Chapter 11 – I Cubone’d Yer Mom!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension – a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the Pokemon Tower… Zone!

Today’s terrifying tale is a story of love, of attachment, of a longing for eternal peace, but mostly a story of one boy beating the living crap out of a bunch of possessed channelers on his way to get a musical instrument.

“This place is cold. And it smells like dying.” Gom said, as he begun his climb up the dark, dank Pokemon Tower. “Actually, it reminds me of a public restroom in a Pokemon Center…”

KEKEKEKEKEKE!

“What the… was that you? What the hell kind of noise is that?”

“This is how possessed people laugh!”

Gom was confused. He didn’t know that possessed people had a special kind of laugh. However, the dark look of evil in the eyes of his new adversary told him that this was, indeed, a person possessed. Possessed by demons. Possessed by the lost souls of those who died with malice in their hearts. Possessed by…

“Possessed by a terrible fashion sense, maybe! BaZING!”

“Hey, shut up! You meanie… I mean… I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL!”

There are often stories of the supernatural. Unexplained phenomenon involving ghosts and the possession of human hosts. But what many people know is that these tales are, in fact, true. The souls of the dead, wandering without a way to the other side, will often take over human hosts to do their evil bidding. And by evil bidding, I mean… well… Pokemon battles. Because even the freakin’ undead want to Pokemon battle…

“Gastly, I choose you!”

“Really, a floating purple ball thing?”

“Shut up, the character designers worked really, really hard on this one!”

“It’s eyes are bigger than it’s head! Look, I can see the edges sticking out past the end of the ball!”

“It’s a GHOST, idiot. Ghosts… don’t have physical bodies… so their eyes can float freely. As can their… teeth and mouth I guess… I don’t know, shut up. It’s a spooky ghost, why aren’t you scared!?”

“Because it looks like a gumball is about to rape me. I mean, I guess the prospect of that is scary. But still… Atkins, can you please take care of this?”

The all-mighty Pikachu stumbles out of it’s Pokeball to help ward off the evil spirits floating around Gom. After finishing it’s sandwich, Atkins faces it’s foe. A crack of thunder rumbles the entire tower.

“Actually, I think that was just the tower swaying from Atkins’ fat ass. BaZi… GAH!”

Before Gom can finish his misguided crack at Atkins’ weight, he is shocked by a Thunderbolt. Atkins turns to Gastly and powers up.

“Gastly. Gasssssstly. Gas. Um… boo? Sorry, I’m kinda bad at this ghost thing. I sorta just… float here and hope that people find my absence of any discernible features so unsettling that it makes them wet themselves. Mostly I just pretend to be a bowling ball and then bite people when they shove their thumb in my mouth. I mean, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage since I don’t have any limbs, ya know? I mean, at least Boo’s get arms! Freakin’ white ghosts, always keepin’ the black ghost down!”

Atkins stares at Gastly with a look of bewilderment on his face. He was not ready to face this level of true terror. Something that makes even the bravest of the brave quiver with unequaled fear. The most hideous, evil hell-sent thing of all time: A boring, long-winded story from someone who likes to talk a lot.

“No, but in all honesty. What the hell does a Boo even do? Damn thing is SHY?! Seriously, you’re a GHOST, and you get stage fright? That’s completely ridiculous! Can you use Mean Look? How about Night Shade? Didn’t think so, you just sit there and hope that someone is dumb enough to accidentally jump onto you. And yet, people still consider them the better ghost. It’s racism, I tell you! The white ghosts are always given a free ride, while my people…er… um… ghost…people continue to be held down by the man! I demand that…”

Before Gastly can finish, Atkins loses it. With a rage-filled outburst of electrical power, Atkins lets out a scream and proceeds to shock the ever-loving dung out of Gastly. The ghost disappears.

“What, huh… oh. We won… good job, Atkins. It’s a good thing you took care of that evil talkative ghost! I freakin’ hate when people go off on tangents. It’s like this one guy I went to school with, I think his name was John or Joe or something with a J… or maybe it was a K? Kevin? Kyle? No no, definitely a J. Jerry? I don’t know, anyway, Jay would go off on these crazy tangents every time he’d talk. Like, he’d start telling you about his Aunt’s boil that was shaped like Kentucky… or was it Connecticut? Which one is shaped like a box with a penis? Connecticut right? Why is there a weird C in ‘Connecticut’ have you ever noticed that? It’s spelled CONNECT-icut, but we don’t pronounce that other C. It should be ‘Conneticut’ or something, hah. Weird. Anyway, he would start talking about this boil, but then he’d…”

Atkins Thunderbolt’s Gom again.

“…sorry… sorry. Jerk. Anyway, evil possessed channeler, we have defeated you and cleansed your body of spirits!”

I Ask Myself The Same Thing When I Write These Stories…

It was true, the channeler was no longer possessed. She looked at Gom and said “Oh, Gom. You are perhaps the most sexy and heroic person I’ve ever met! Thank you for saving me! Let’s make out. You can totally use tongue.”

Wait, there is no way in hell that’s what she said!

“Dude, that’s SO what she said!”

Bullshit. You’re lying!

“Why would… no way! I swear it… she… well, ok. Maybe I’m over-exaggerating a bit…”

Not only that, but you’re currently having a discussion with yourself within a story. That’s like… three different levels of whacko.

“…I thought you were supposed to be Rod Serling. This is a Twilight Zone parody…”

Do you honestly think it’s better that you’re having a discussion with a dead television show host? Not to mention the fact that I’m not Rod Serling, I’m you doing a terrible parody of Rod Serling. And only bringing it up for this particular joke. Think about that. The real scary thing here is that you thought this was worth including in this chapter.

“You have bested me once again, Rod Serling! And this is why you shall forever remain my mortal enemy!”

Moving on. Gom and Atkins finally reached the top of the spooky tower. The haunting wails of dead pokemon, including the WAILS of WAILords, echoing behind them. With clenched fists, and even tighter clenched sphincter muscles, they faced down the boss of the evil spirits. Gom held the Silph Scope, the device trembling in his hands. The ghost’s true identity was revealed!

“It’s a… Marowak? Well that’s a bit underwhelming. I was expecting it to be like… the ghost of some crazed serial killer or something. What’s up, Marowak?”

The Marowak glanced down at Gom and Atkins, a look of sadness hidden on it’s face. We think. It’s sorta hard to tell since it has a skull stuck on it’s head. In fact, it could look really benevolent and sweet under there, we just don’t know.

Speaking directly into Gom’s mind, Marowak revealed it’s tale of pain and woe. How she was killed by the evil Team Rocket while protecting it’s Cubone children. Years of wandering between realms, searching for a way to protect her children from even beyond the grave causing her soul to become restless, violent.

“Dude, that is WAY too depressing for a Pokemon story! I mean… really. Dead mothers? Most of the people who have experienced this game are children! They like… just found out that their pets didn’t just go to ‘some farm up North’ and now you’re going to tell them that their mothers not only can die at any moment, but could also be stuck in some kind of sick limbo, feeling nothing but pain and anger?! That’s fucked up, Japan. That is seriously… seriously fucked up.”

Indeed it is fucked up, but this is just one of many tales about dead mothers haunting people. For it is said, that every time you masturbate, you doom your mother to an eternity of suffering and pain. She is forced to walk this Earth, neither dead nor alive, lost to time, with disappointment and grief in her loving, mother heart. Shame on you. Shame on yourself for masturbating so much.  You make all mothers dead and alive sad. Stop that. No, seriously, I know you’re doing it right now. Cut that out!

Marowak continues speaking with Gom. Pleading with him to find it in his heart to help her find peace, to help her be at rest once and for all. To find it in his heart to be gentle, kind, and understanding. To help…

“Wetback, use Bubblebeam!”

In an instant, the soul of Marowak is blasted with water, being washed from this reality. So much for being gentle, kind, and understanding…

“Hey, it got the job done, didn’t it!”

Indeed it did. Moving to the top of the tower, Gom is met by Team Rocket. Of course, a few grunts at the top of the tower really doesn’t compare to storming their hideout and beating the crap out of an entire division, and then their boss. Gom has finally rescued Mr. Fiji, the kind old man who…

“What the fuck took you so long, you ugly little shit!”

…The kinda mean old…

“No, seriously. I’ve been up here for days, asshole! What, you stopped to go shopping like a little girl, didn’t you?! Honestly, you kids these days are pathetic and weak. When I was your age, I used to fight off gangs using only sticks and pebbles! And I was naked! Not because we didn’t have clothing, but because it used to be just fine for a man to walk around naked. There was no shame in it. Not like you wimpy little punks today, with your fancy ‘Pants’. Pants. Pathetic.”

…the enormous dickweed old man who holds a gift to help Gom on his journey.

“Yeah, here, take your gay little flute you fairy. Piss off.”

And with that, Gom finally had the Pokeflute! With it, he would be able to wake the mighty Snorlax, and…

“Play Freebird!”

…fuckin’ every time! Honestly, the “Freebird” shout just isn’t funny anymore! Stop it already. Anyway, with the Pokeflute in hand, and the satisfaction of knowing that he viciously pummeled the ghost of a sad mother looking for peace, Gom continued his quest. Heading off for new adventures in…

The Twilight Zone! I mean… Six Balls And A Dream.

“You know what I hate most about kids these days? Those crazy iPods. When I was your age, we only had an anal suppository for our music. That’s right. We shoved vinyls right up our asses like MEN! Sure, the sound quality was a bit SHITTY, but…”

Atkins used Thunderbolt.

<Chapter Ten — Table Of Contents — >

Chapter 10 – The Gloom Of Consumerism

I have climbed the treacherous ledges of mountain paths. Battled my way through thick forests filled with poisonous bugs. Stumbled my way through pitch-dark caves. Even fought my way through the hideout of a notorious gang. All of that has toughed me so that I could face my greatest danger yet:

A fucking shopping mall!

Welcome to the Celadon Dept. Store. It is here that I will face my greatest challenge yet. I will go toe-to-toe with the most battle-hardened foes the Pokemon world has ever known. Bargain hunters. And asshole parents that bring their shitty kids shopping with them. I’m going to need to keep my guard up.

I decide it’s best to make a plan of attack before making my ascent up this tower of avarice. I stop by the service desk to ask the lovely receptionist for information. She promptly tells me to go look at the sign nearby for the store layout.

…your job is to point me to a sign three feet away? Meanwhile, most of the other people in this country don’t have jobs, and your job is to stand around and essentially be an arrow sign with breasts? God Bless America… er… Kanto.

On the third floor, a nice gentleman informs me that he’s done with Pokemon, and remarks that I’m “not done yet”. I don’t… I’m not sure what that means. Did we just break the fourth wall again? Son of a bitch, my brain can’t handle all this reality-bending. It’s almost as if this world that I live in is some kind of construct created by man to keep me trapped. That would explain the awkward layout of plant life and my inability to climb up knee-high ledges. As I’m about to unravel the very fabric of my petty existence, the man hands me a TM and I forget what he said before because: Free shit!

As troubling as his philosophical-musing-inducing statement was, it’s what he says after he gives me the TM that makes me a bit concerned. He let’s me know that TM18 is Counter, but…

“Not like the one I’m leaning on”

Well that’s disappointing. I was hoping Atkins could bust out a huge slab of Marble and beat the living Grimer out of someone. Next I can teach him Yule Post and he’ll have quite the arsenal of attacks at his disposal. But then again, a pokemon that just swings around big chunks of building material as a weapon would be completely ridiculous! What kind of idiot would design a pokemon that…

…Never Mind…

…wut?

Check out this poster I found on the wall!

“Red And Blue! Both are Pokemon!”

I don’t even… what does… no they aren’t, they’re colors?! What does that even mean! I swear, if this city breaks the fourth wall one more time…

Upstairs, an eager young fellow informs me he is going to get a Poke Doll for his girlfriend. Because I’m sure she’s not totally sick of Pokemon already. At what point does it become over-exposure? You live in a world where you use Pokemon for play, and Pokemon for most jobs. Practically every building in town is dedicated to Pokemon, and you can’t walk six feet from any city without running into millions of the little bastards. And now you need to have dolls made up too? Next you’re going to show me someone dressing their kids up as pokemon and parading them around like some twisted pageant of…

Yeah, That Happened…

SON OF A BITCH! What is WRONG with you people?! I just… no, you know what. Nope nope nope. I’m done, I’m outta here. You can all go on your own damn Pokemon adventure. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. This is just… what the fuck, man?! Ugh…

…what? Oh fine… Let’s continue. But I swear, if one more thing makes me rage about the world, I’m going to Shuckle off this mortal coil.

Dammit.

Pokemon ability enhancers? So now Pokemon are juicing? Fantastic. Or maybe this is some other kind of enhancement? Natural Male Enhancement. StiffyEars, you ever have issues getting your horn up? OW. Sorry, sorry…

I like the idea of giving my Pokemon heaping helpings of Vitamins to make them stronger. That in no way sounds horribly dangerous. I need your special attack to go up a lot, so shove as much of this Calcium into your face as you can. There is no way that that’ll do a number on your lil’ Pokekidneys.

As insane as this trip to the mall has been, it hasn’t all been in vain. I was able to purchase one of those horrifying evolution stores! Yeah, now to just figure out how to use it on Eevee to make it evolve. If I just hold the radioactive material up to it long enough, something is bound to happen, right? Oh look, Exile is slowly changing! And… OH GOD HE BURST INTO FLAMES! NO NO NO OH DEAR GOD! HIS LITTLE EYE BALLS ARE GOING TO BOIL!

…Oh, that was supposed to happen? Eh heeheehee… heh…

No, Seriously. Call It A Flamer. I Dare Ya…

————

Flareon

The Flame Pokemon

“When storing thermal energy in its body, its temperature could soar to over 1600 degrees”

————

Whoa, wait a second. 1600 Degrees?! That’s… remind me not to cuddle with Exile at night. Shit, is it even safe to have this thing near me?! Or near anything, for that matter? Lesson learned: Do NOT expose your pets to high levels of radiation in an effort to give them super powers…

Moving right along, I have much more important things to take care of today. Yes, there are some things more important than adding to the economic strain that divides us as citizens. And that something is beating up a pretty girls plants in an effort to get into her pants. And get a shiny badge out of them! What did you think I meant by get in her pants? What, OH? You thought I meant… hah, no. No. Well…

So here we are, the beautiful, tranquil Celadon gym! It’s so peaceful and quiet. The lush flowers give off a lovely aroma. You could almost lay down and take a restful nap. The whole place just makes me want to COMPLETELY FUCK SOMEONE’S SHIT UP! Let’s pokemon battle you… Hey wait a minute…

Is there a creepy pervert just hanging out by the door of the gym commenting to strangers that pass by about how the gym is full of hot girls? Those pedophile glasses aren’t helping his cause. I should probably warn the authorities. But who has the time for warning the police about sexual predators right now, I have Pokemon to fight!

The Celadon gym is a Grass type gym. And I have a fire-breathing dog! Well, this ought to be easy. Remember kids, if you want to beat plants, the best way to do it is with large amounts of fire. Oh no, don’t worry about setting the building on fire or starting a massive wild fire. That almost never always happens. Sorta.

Erika seems perfectly normal, but she says some mighty scatterbrained things. First, she mentions the weather. Which is a bit odd because we’re indoors. I guess she’s been in this plant-filled building for so long she forgot that it’s artificial lighting. Then she apologizes and says that she must have dozed off. Wait, what? Were you sleep-talking? Ok, you’re a bit strange, aren’t you? I’m starting to wonder if being inside a building with all these exotic plants throwing pollen into the air is such a good idea after all. Have you been eating some of those funny mushroom Pokemon again, Erika?

Psilocybin, I Choose You!

She’s A Blast At Parties.

I had a slow start to the battle with Erika. Not because she’s a hard trainer or anything, but because I was having a hard time getting past the fact that she apparently has latent psychic powers that no one seems to care exist. No, seriously, she’s meditating and that Pokeball is just sorta… floating there. No one see’s that? Hello? Hey, will you guys stop dropping Foongus’ and look at this shit?! I’m not just seeing things am I? Oh crap, I’m high, aren’t I?

Once I got past the initial shock of the levitating Pokeball and the weird three headed neon orange snake that was telling me the secrets of the universe, I soundly proceeded to burn Erika worse than a McDonald’s hamburger.

WTF?!

However, right before delivering the final blow, I had to take a second to look at her Vileplume. And… well, see for yourself…

Seriously, it looks like one of those old racist Disney cartoons with the horribly colored black people in them. I suppose we can just go ahead and say that it’s charcoal black because I Ember’d it into oblivion.  Yeah, we’re just going to go with that. It’ll help prevent nightmares tonight. Seriously, WTF?

But with that, our adventure ends for the day. As we walk out of Celadon, looking at my shiny new Rainbow Badge, I can’t help but feel as though I did good today. I fought crime. I stimulated the economy. I almost stopped a pervert. Yeah, it was a good day. What the hell is with all these firetrucks? How annoying? Hey, Exile, you did good today, for a genetically mutated dog. Yeah, who’s a good radioactive pooch, yes you are! Hey, the wind sorta sounds like the agonizing screams of a bunch of pretty botanists. How strange… yet oddly peaceful. We’re going to sleep well tonight, friends…

<Chapter NineTable Of ContentsChapter Eleven>

Chapter 9 – You Spin Me Round (Like A Voltorb)

So, here I am. Inside the hideout of a notorious pokemon-killing gang. Yup, this is a sound decision on my part. I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong. A teenage boy with only a few pets to defend himself walking around inside a dank basement hideout filled with dangerous criminals. These are the kind of adventures all kids should go on. No, really, if you’re a kid and you’re reading this: Break into a gang hideout. Right now. Stop reading here and go find a criminal hangout and just burst in and yell “I’m here to put a stop to your shenanigans!”. Not only will they quiver in fear, but they will absolutely NOT shoot you and throw your body in a ditch. Seriously.

In all honesty though, this is quite frightening. Atkins is shaking with fear! Actually, he may be going into a diabetic shock. Luckily, Rare Candy acts as an insulin substitute. He’ll be fine in a few minutes. But pretty soon we’ll have to amputate his little Pikachu foot. Maybe that’ll learn ‘em…

Nothing Says “Dangerous” Like Some Lovely Ferns…

Oh right, we’re busy fighting crime syndicates, aren’t we. This isn’t the time to be distracted. You know, walking around this place, I have to say it’s a bit odd to see criminal organizations utilizing potted plants in such a way as to give off a rather pleasant atmosphere to the place they plot their nefarious deeds. Finally, a reason to use the word “nefarious”. Those kinds of opportunities just can’t be turned down.

It’s time to start picking apart the ranks of this Axis of Evil one goofy goon at a time.

Define “Broke In”…

The first lackey I pummel asks me if I broke in. No, I just happened to wander into a hidden door by accident, Einstein. Of course I broke in! Actually, “Broke In” might be a rather lofty term for “Walked in with limited resistance”. Breaking in usually requires, well… breaking. Can we just say my path meandered a bit and I ended up inside your secret base? It gives me the excuse to use another awesome word. Meander. I’m a fuckin’ genius…

Someone Stop This Crazy Thiiiiiiiinnnnng…

On the second floor, I discover some crazy panels that send me spinning wildly in whatever direction they’re pointing. I’m not so much concerned about the panels as I am about the lack of friction that allows me to spin in circles while maintaining forward momentum. Honestly, if I would have known these guys had a base that defies the very laws of physics, I wouldn’t have fucked with them in the first place.

Either that or they employ a janitorial staff that doesn’t understand the concept of showing restraint on their floor wax. Now I’m afraid I might get a chemical burn on my ass if I use one of their toilets due to over-use of Clorox! You know… because it’s not weird to stop and take a 45-minute long squat inside a gangster base of operations I happened to have broken into.

After spending ten minutes navigating a maze of these things,I find myself feeling sorry for the members of Team Rocket stationed here. I mean, what kind of work environment can this be.

“Hey, Jim, I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Wanna come with?”

“No thanks, last time I tried to get to the break room, I spent thirty minutes throwing up into one of the many, many potted plants we have…”

You Know, Now That You Ask…

As I continue to fight through the ranks, one of the Team Rocket grunts asks me a question that I’m surprised hasn’t come out of my own mouth at some point in this little excursion. Another awesome word. I’m on a roll. Actually, that roll may just be my stomach still reacting to the spinning tiles. Honestly, I just projectile vomited in circles like some kind of messed up lawn sprinkler.

Why am I here? You know, that’s… that’s a really good question. I’m not quite sure what my motivation is for single-handedly, without informing the authorities, bringing down a crime ring. I mean, it seems like a kind of silly thing for a young boy to do in the middle of a Pokemon adventure. Oh well, I guess since you guys keep implying you have the Silph Scope I need, I’ll kick some ass.

That’s right, I will pummel criminals into the ground… as long as it furthers my own cause. No matter what the risk is, I WILL become a Pokemon master. Priorities. I has them.

Speaking of personal gain, in the process of kickin’ ass and taking names (those names are all Grunt…), my lovely brain damaged kitty cat Hobo decided it was time to clean up his act. It was time for him to re-enter society! And so, he evolved into quite the elegant fella.

He Cleans Up Nicely!

————

Persian

The Classy Cat Pokemon

“Although it’s fur has many admirers, it is tough to raise as a pet because of it’s fickle meanness”

————

Oh great, so now that he’s cleaned up and found some medical help for his mental condition, he’s become a surly asshole? That’s great. And they weren’t kidding about his meanness, he just told me that when Atkins sits around the house, he really sits AROUND the house. So not only is he mean, but he tells hackneyed old jokes that no one laughs at anymore. This is going to be great…

I’m surprised that the coin didn’t leave that big of a scar though. Just a lil’ red hole that lets me see his brain. That’s not bad at all. Oh… oh my Arceus… brains are kinda gross. Can I put that coin back… AH ok ok… we’ll leave the hole alone…

I’m also a little concerned about Persian’s fur admirers. What does that mean, exactly. Admiring it’s fur? Does that mean that people would like to have cat fur all over their bodies? Well, I suppose this IS Japan, so that does sound like something they’d long for. Crazy cat girls. Crazy… sexy cat girls… what was I doing again?

Anyway, soon after, I acquire a lift key that was “accidentally” dropped on the floor by a Team Rocket member who yelled out something along the lines of:

“OH SHIT I dropped the lift key, I hope no one notices! I’m sure my hollering out that I just dropped it in no way will help people aid in taking it from me. I will now proceed to stand here next to the dropped item and ignore anyone that walks next to me, assuming they are in no way stealing said lift key! Nope, I’m Mr. Oblivious Shit-For-Brains the Fourth. It’s a family name, yup, a stupid family name for a stupid family of morons who make for horrible people to be trusted with important items!”

I may be over-exaggerating, but he might as well have said that. I mean, really. If you drop something as important as the one line of defense between intruders and your boss, you don’t want to telegraph that information to said intruders. And pick the fucking thing up, you dunce! Don’t just leave it there and stare off into the middle distance! You must really be upset about those spinning panels to give up the key this easily. Oh well, I suppose I shouldn’t complain.

Now that we’re on the top floor, I finally get some one-on-one time with the very face of evil: Giovanni. Because all gang leaders have to have Italian-sounding names. It’s like a law or something. He proceeds to deal with my intrusion like any respectable king pin would: Pokemon battle! I wouldn’t be surprised if they settled court cases with the damn things!

“How does the jury find the defendant?” 

“After juror number six’s Charmander defeated juror number eleven’s Oddish by way of type advantage, we the jury find the defendant Brock not guilty of all charges of kidnapping and child molestation!”

That explains so much…

So yeah, we defeat Giovanni without much effort and he… well, he appears to just fuckin’ vanish into thin air. Seriously. He just… POOF… gone. You know, I’m not even going to stop and question it at this point. I just got a Silph Scope, which allows me to see ghosts, so I’m not going to question some David Copperfield shit now.

What Happens When You Breed Your Muk With Your Haunter…

That’s right, armed with my new ghost-viewing scope it’s time for me to head back to Lavender Town and take care of some matters I left unattended earlier in my adventure. Come on Dr. Venkman, Egon, Ray, and Winston, let’s go… Remember not to cross the streams, and all the other obligatory Ghost Busters jokes of the sort.

But first, I’m going to head off to the fourth gym! Oh yes, another epic, and possibly awkward, battle is about to ensue. However, that’s for another day!

<Chapter EightTable Of ContentsChapter Ten>

Chapter 8 – Dead Ends, Genetic Mutations, And Erections

Rockets? Did The USSR Attack?!

Lavender Town, home of the Pokemon Tower. A graveyard built specifically for dead Pokemon. I’ve noticed an absence of HUMAN graveyards. I guess we just have Charmander use “Cremate” on the people when they die. Upon asking around town, someone offers me an explanation about why there are so many dead pokemon.

The “Rockets”? You mean THESE rockets?!

I Bet It Was Ming Yao! Asians Just Shouldn’t Be That Big…

The Houston Rockets basketball team is killing off pokemon?! Now do you see the importance of NBA lockout! The Rockets are so bored, they’ve moved past simply slapping around their wives and started killing helpless pokemon! This is, of course, an assumption on my part that ALL basketball players must slap around their wives. It may only be some, I’m not sure. Guilty until proven innocent, I always say!

Because You Touch Yourself At Night, That’s Why!

What follows is a trip through the most depressing place on the planet. The Pokemon Tower is filled with people mourning the death of their pokemon. This poor girl lost her Growlithe!

Did you remember to feed it? They like food. Just ask Atkins. Hey! This is a funeral home, stop using Flash you floozie!

I don’t think I’ve made a dick joke lately, so here it is:

*snicker*

I like pokemon too, but not THAT much…

Even worse, upstairs is Turd. Turd is also paying his respects!

Brilliant Deduction!

Well, Hobo is pretty close… No, they are dead, I’ve just been carrying them around and working them like puppets. Just call this “Weekend At Burmy’s!” (That’s the greatest PokePun I’ve ever written. If you don’t get the reference, we’re not friends anymore)

Anyway, Turd decides a funeral home is a good place for a pokemon battle. He’s added some cool stuff to his team, like Gyrados and Growlithe. But hey, didn’t he have a Raticate…

Oh… oh no. I… get it now. Turd, you’re here because your Raticate. I’m… so sorry…

OH HELLLLLL NAW!

Annnnnnd now you can kiss my ass. I’m glad your Raticate is dead, I hope it died a painful, slow death. I have you had to watch as it was eviscerated and turned inside-out. I hope it’s death screechs echo in your nightmares forever. I seriously hope you still find Raticate fur in your backpack a year later and you cry like a little bitch.

…I’m sorry. I went to a dark place there for a second. I don’t like people stealing material from Bugs Bunny. Stinker? Honestly?

I guess me being a “Stinker” explains why he keeps exiting with a “Smell Ya Later”.

Unfortunately, I’m told that I’m not going to be able to identify the ghosts in this tower, unless I can get a Silph Scope. A device which allows you to see the invisible. Which seems utterly pointless in any other situation. Next they’ll make their scope hold MP3. Because everything these days holds MP3.

Alright, guess we’re heading to the next town to net us a Silph Scope! On the way, I’m going to crush the hopes and dreams of a bunch of helpless trainers. Because that’s how I roll. And I think I’ll start with this nerd.

What A Loser…

“School is fun”. No, Game Freak, I will not buy into your subliminal messages and think school is cool. In fact, after I’m done smashing this kid’s pokemon into the ground, I’m going to see if I can give him an atomic wedgie.

Super Nerd TO THE RESCUE!

Oh, look, he’s already bent over waiting for it. “Super Nerd” sounds like the worst superhero ever.

“Stop, evil doers! I am SUPER NERD!”

“What are you going to do to stop us?!”

“Equation of Justice! I’m going to solve for X, and X is YOUR ASS!”

We’ve now made it to the beautiful Celadon City in search of our Silph Scope. Upstairs in a nearby building, I find an Eevee just sitting on a table. So of course I take it. I mean, it’s not like something inside someone else’s building could be anything but a free thing for me to take without asking. Clearly everything in this world is my property, and I can claim it as I see fit.

D’AWWWWWWW!!!!! Head-Exploding Adorable Right There!

————

Eevee

The Evolution Pokemon

“It’s genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element STONEs.”

————

Whoa whoa whoa, these elemental stones I’ve been carrying around with me are RADIOACTIVE?! Why the hell didn’t someone tell me I was basically hauling around colorful plutonium with me?! I’ve had them in my pocket this whole time! No wonder I grew those extra testicles last night! And here I just thought God finally answered my prayers.

I like the idea that if it’s exposed to radiation, it’ll mutate. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anything exposed to radiation will probably do something along those lines. I’m a bit concerned that in this case it’s PROMOTED! Sure, go ahead kids, expose your pets to radiation and they’ll morph into way cooler pets! Shove your kitten in the microwave, it’ll sprout gills and be able to live underwater! It’s cool! Trust me! There is NO WAY that when you turn it up to “High” it’s little kitty eyes will pop out of it’s skull like gooey ping pong balls!

So, I guess we’ve added the sixth member of my team! Seeing as Eevee has just been abandoned and seems to need a new home, I’ve decided to name him Exile. He’s an outcast, and a bad ass one at that. He’s genetically unstable, and radiation gives him super powers. He’s essentially Spiderman, only he gets cooler powers than just wrist-jizz.

Steal Shit, People Will Like You More!

In another room of this building, I meet this guy who tells me all about his pokemon friend Meowth and his cat burglary ways.

And you don’t stop to ask where he gets it? That seems responsible. I don’t know how your Meowth brings home money, all mine seems to do is lick windows and try and jam pencils in electrical sockets. I should really take him to a doctor. Poor, deranged Hobo.

What If I Told You This World Wasn’t Real?

The third floor is home to this. Things are about to get a whole lot more… plotholed.

Uh oh, the fourth wall has been broken down! You mean to tell me I’m in some kind of video game that you guys designed?! This whole world, all it’s events, were scripted before hand?! And you expect me to just take this mind-melting revelation and continue on like my life has meaning?! I now know for a fact that God doesn’t exist and that I’m simply a pawn in a game of fate! I have no reason to live on anymore! VIRGIN, USE CUT ON MY WRISTS!

GOODBYE TENTACRUEL WORLD!

Just kidding!

Upon further exploring, I come across a bizarre sight. A “hotel” for people! So, it’s not ALL about pokemon in this world!

Define “People”?

…WHA?!

But wait a second here…

…there aren’t any ROOMS to be found. It’s just a huge, open lobby. What the hell? At least this huge empty room contains the most amusing three people in the world.

And Now It’s Gotten Weird…

Well, That’s Nice! Family Is Important…

Uh, what? Let’s see what her boyfriend has to say about that…

Why Indeed…

Sorry, bro, guess you thought you were going to get lucky, huh? Brothers are such cock-blockers! Of course, it’s much worse when her brother is oblivious!

COCK BLOCKER!!!

If the boyfriend asks you to “go get ice” (not that there is an ice machine, or even ROOMS in this hotel…) you can be assured he’s going to try and sneak in a quicky while you’re gone.

The people outside aren’t any less pleasant. It appears no matter how far away I travel, I just can’t escape complete lunacy. Oh well, might as well embrace it.

Moan For Me, Baby!

I don’t think you’re supposed to SAY “moan” out loud you weird old man. However, the prospect of gambling does sound like fun! Let’s pull that coin out of Hobo’s head and throw it into the slot machines! Wow, it’s amazing how much blood pressure can build up in a Meowth’s head, when I pulled the coin out this time it shot like thirty feet in the air, it was almost beautiful. You know, if he hadn’t interrupted my admiring of it with all that hissing and screaming. Fine, I’ll put it back. You big baby.

Let’s head to the Rocket Game Corner! Oh, the sign makes it sound exciting:

I Got A Stack Of Dollar Bills All Ready!

Sounds sexy! Will there be strippers?! Hey Virgin, you might be able to put away those The Used albums and quit this emo phase after all! I think we might be able to get you laid finally!

Oh, nevermind. It’s just cheesy slot machines. What a ripoff!

There is a Rocket member “guarding a poster”. That doesn’t sound weird at all! Let’s kick his ass! Apparently, there may or may not be a switch hidden behind this poster. And what do you know…

It’s not like that was made horribly obvious. Like any intelligent person, I press the random switch. Without any idea what it does. It could turn the sprinkler system on for all I know! But it doesn’t, it just opens the path to Team Rocket’s not-so-secret hideout! Exciting! Guess we’ll kick in some heads to show them who the REAL crime boss is in these parts!

…But that’s going to have to wait until next time!

Also: If you didn’t know what I was talking about with the Raticate thing. Maybe this’ll clear things up:

Is Your Mind Blown Yet?

<Chapter SevenTable Of ContentsChapter Nine>

Chapter 7 – Lt. Surge, The Basket Base?

There are certain stories that shouldn’t be told. Such as what I had to do to earn my HM for the move “Cut”. Sea captains are perverted bastards! I know I’m generalizing, but you know what… screw it. ALL sea captains are perverts. There, it’s been said.

Virgin has evolved, by the way! He’s become…

^Could Kick The Crap Out Of A Certain Blue Hedgehog…

————

Sandslash

ANOTHER Mouse Pokemon

“Curls up into a spiny ball when threatened. It can roll while curled up to attack or escape.”

————

Little Virgin is growing up! And it would seem he’s reached the brooding stage of being a rejected virgin. Which is followed by…

First, He Learned “Fap”

Learning Cut! And just like that, Virgin has become emo. Who knew not getting laid could make you develop an annoying personality and start wearing girl’s pants.No wait, that’s  common knowledge. My mistake.

He can also write terrible poetry with the word “darkness” in it several times. I think he’s about to get a tumblr account. I have to admit, the guy-liner is kinda funny on a Sandslashwrists though.

At least we can put Virgin’s new found skill to work! Let’s chop down that horribly placed tree and go check out the the next gym! They’ve been trapped in there for quite awhile, I can only imagine the carnage that I’m about to walk into.

So… Many… Trash Cans…

Alright, this is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in this game. What in the name of Mew is going on in this place?! There are trash cans everywhere, perfectly laid out in a pattern. The spacing between each is flawless. This is some Howard Hughes level OCD shit right here. If Lt. Surge has Kleenex (rhymes with Snorlax! Sorta…) boxes on his feet, I’m going to run away faster than… um… someone who runs away from things really fast! My metaphors are wearing a bit thin right now. Which is more than I can say for Atkins…

Apparently, Lt. Surge isn’t just OCD, he’s also insane. He’s locked himself up in his room and hid the switches in the garbage cans. And they’re magic disappearing buttons too. Thus begins the most obnoxious moment in my entire adventure.

Finally, after a bunch of annoying trial and error, the doors into the other room swing open, and I’m off to my third gym battle!

When Did This Become A Matter Of Life Or Death?!

The Lightning American has some rather unsettling words for me before our bout…

Yeah, being 14 years old probably means you’re right about that one. I mean, who sends 14 year olds into battle? This isn’t China, it’s Japan! They save their 14 year olds for prostitution! I’m a little worried that if I lose this battle, Lt. Surge is going to kill me.

He then begins to tell me about how electric pokemon saved him during “the war”. The war? I’d kill to know which war. Desert Storm was probably the closest to this game’s release. The image of Raichu frying Iraqi’s is too much for me to handle. I guess we finally know why this current war lasted so long: no pokemon! But enough talk about these unimportant matters like foreign politics and war. ON WITH THE POKEMON BATTLES!

Lt. Surge For Gap Jeans?

But first: Fan service! Lt. Surge appears to be in a crouched position, sticking his ass at me. A very strange way to “go into battle”, if you ask me. I guess this is what happens when you repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

He also SORTA looks like a very angry Lance Bass. Just an observation…

Anyway, Virgin is completely immune to all of his pokemon’s attacks, which makes for one insanely uneventful battle. Maybe if the Iraqi’s would have just used ground type pokemon, they’d have won that war and oil prices would be much higher in America. It’s a thought.

What follows is one of the most boring parts of my adventure. It involves:

1) Having to run through a super long cave full of what appear to be thumbs with noses. (That’d be a Diglett joke, if you didn’t catch that…)

2) Making Atkin’s move to his next obvious stage. He’s gone from Fat to Bulemic to Drunken Sorority Girl. As is usually the case. Why do I say he’s a drunker sorority girl? Why, I just taught him FLASH! Get it, because… Girl’s Gone Wild and… tits… you know what, fuck you. If you don’t get the jokes, just move on, alright! I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.

3) Back tracking. Evading Cerulean so that I don’t get arrested. The restraining order hasn’t been lifted quite yet…

4) Battling a bunch of annoying trainers. None of which really said anything that I can make funny or worth mentioning. Honestly, this was the most boring route full of trainers I’ve ever seen.

5) Heading through another cave filled with Zubats. What a surprise…

Yes, I just skipped a bunch of stuff. But we’re about to get to the good parts! This is a buffer post between the dull moments and the explosion of awesome that is the rest of this game. Things can only get bigger and more hilarious from here on out! So brace yourselves, Poke-fans, because next time we’re taking things to the next level.

<Chapter SixTable Of ContentsChapter Eight>

Chapter 6 – Sharpedo’s On The Love Boat

That’s right! It’s time, ladies and gentleman, for the S.S.Anne trip none of you were waiting for! On with it, I say!

Oh, Its ON LIKE BRONZONG NOW!

This is exciting, getting to go on a cruise ship without any adult supervision! I’m going to raid the buffet, Sharpedo a bunch of girls (if you don’t know what “sharking” is, you probably don’t get this joke… which is… probably all of you actually, so let me provide a lil’ Urban Dictionary Action: Sharking , me thinks it would be even easier with a bikini!), and probably get in on some hot shuffleboard action! I hope there is a hot tub, I’m about to get WILD up in this bitch! What? GAH! Hobo stop trying to eat your hand! Stupid brain damaged Meowth. This is the kind of stuff I need a vacation from!

Alright, time to head to the ship

That’s One Tiny Ship…

Upon entering the ship, I’m immediately laid. Not that kind of laid! Sorry, Virgin, you do look adorable with those flowers on though. That doesn’t actually happen, but in my mind I was laid. Laid like a boss. Instead, I’m warned about the passengers.

This Spells Trouble! Actually, T-R-O-U-B-L-E Spells Trouble…

Apparently, they may challenge me to pokemon battles. Seriously, you’re on a cruise ship and you’re just going to sit around and have pokemon battles?! You all might as well just toss yourself overboard and die amongst the Corphish, for you’re all dead inside anyway…

It’s time to go to my cabin and sit and wait for the fun to begin.

JUST KIDDING! LET’S WALK INTO EVERYONE’S ROOMS WITHOUT ASKING AND STEAL STUFF!

But first let’s get creeped on by a “French” waiter!

Le Stereotype!

Apparently, if you just say “Le” a lot, you’re French. But, I doubt he’s faking it, because who the hell is going to pretend to be FRENCH?! (I’m kidding. I’m sure the French are lovely people who are in no way deserving of their stereotypes)

Of course, all thoughts of that go away by the time he ends what he’s saying…

LE WHAT?!

…Am… Am I being hit on by a gay French waiter on a cruise ship? Again?! Why does this always happen?! Maybe I should make the most of it and see if I can get him to serve me alcohol… And take this Meowth off my hands. It’s licking all the door handles… STOP THAT. STOP IT. HEY! Yes, you… GAH!

Right, back to looting and walking in on people changing and sleeping and stuff. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS! Right, my mom is at home and my dad… um… left to live with his other family? I guess it’s not really clear…

SHHHHHH!

“Global Police”. So… you’re American? American’s are the only one’s dumb enough to call themselves “Global Police”. And what the hell are you doing on a cruise ship?! Shouldn’t you be in the six or so areas in this region that are freakin’ crawling with Team Rocket members?! Why are you looking for them in the comfort of your cabin? Are you thinking that Team Rocket sneaks into people’s rooms and steals things? Because if any stealing happens on this ship… it’s TOTALLY Team Rocket and in absolutely no way is it me. I mean, sure I walked into YOUR room and screamed out “Where’s the stuff to steal!” but that’s just… a… um… it’s a greeting in my culture! And if you don’t believe me. You’re racist! RACIST GLOBAL POLICE! FUCK THE POLICE! FIGHT THE POWER!

And scene end. Let’s get out of here before he suspects something.

In the next room, I fight a girl who “travelled around the world!” to collect her Pokemon. Which happen to be a low-leveled Pidgey and a Nidoran. Which pretty much tells me there isn’t much point going all around the world, since I can catch those practically right outside the front door of my house. You got screwed, you stupid girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to…

SHARPEDO’D!

Bwah ha ha!

Oh crap, she has mace! RUN! RUN! Atkins Ru… oh, you know what, why don’t you just walk. Wouldn’t want you to go into cardiac arrest on the ship.

SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE… No, I’m Not Going To Sing That Terrible Song…

Alright, you’re ALONE in this cabin, lady. How about a SLICE of cherry pie? Why the whole pie?! I’m worried about you. No Sharpedo’ing for you, because I feel bad. Also, I’m not a waiter. See how I’m dressed not at all like a waiter? Besides, last time I tried to carry a pie around Atkins, he ate the whole thing. Including the tin! His Pikapoo was shiny though, which was neat.

How Dare I?! How Dare YOU, Sir!

Pup? A kid version of a dog?! You’re calling me a dog! Hey, I know I’m not the most attractive kid out there, but my mom says I’m the most beautiful, wonderful boy in the whole wide world! SHE LOVES ME SO I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL! Great, now I’m crying. I hope you get food poisoning you jerk. Wait, we’re on a cruise ship, maybe I shouldn’t curse you with something that’s practically a guarentee anyway…

After I defeat him in a pokemon battle, he changes his tune a bit.

The Old Man And The Sea, I Guess

Are you going to kill yourself or something? Because I’m totally ok with that… call me a pup. Bitch.

In the next cabin, is a guy who claims that his pokemon are his only friends. Remember what I said about them all being dead inside?

This Really Is The Love Boat!

Uh oh. This is bad. A sailor, alone in a cabin, thinking I’m some kind of cabana boy. And why is he talking like he’s had other boys before?! I guess I’ll pokemon battle him! That’s how I deal with ALL the people who try to touch me in bad places.

Well, I found the kitchen and dining area. Atkins seems to have calmed down again. Ever since he went back to his over-eating ways, he gets so restless when he’s not around food. He’s like a junkie! The other day, I actually caught him trying to sell my stuff for Twinkie money! I swear, if he starts turning Pikatricks, I’m going to have to get him into rehab…

SPUD PEELER! HA HA HA

The Tears Are From The Onions. Not Because I Made Fun Of His Hat.

Why are there two people dedicated to just this? Everywhere else in this messed up world everyone appears to be homeless and unemployed, yet this cruise ship has jobs for everyone? Hmm, this guy DOES seem a bit… Mexican-y. Nothing wrong with that! I’m… simply pointing it out, that’s all.

To Each Their Own?

Let’s investigate! HEY! Onion boy threw away a perfectly good Great Ball. NO! BAD! NO ES BUENO! You do not throw away Great Balls. Great Balls are awesome. Great balls are… OH GOD! Have I been saying “GREAT BALLS!” all this time! HAHAHAHAHA oh shit… that’s great… BALLS! Bwah ha ha! What? Don’t look at me like that, you laughed a bit too the first time you read “Great Balls”. Don’t judge me!

Somali Pirate?

Say what? He isn’t a Highlander, is he? Because there can be only one, you know. And I’ll behead him in an instant… wait, I’ve said too much.

POP AND LOCK!

Now they’re asking me to dance with them? These sailors are all kinds of creepy. Not as creepy as this Ponyta I come across later!

WTF Ponyta?!

I think it may have a tumor on it’s face, I’m not sure. We may need to take him out back and eh… well… make him into some glue.

That’s Much Better!

I can’t take any more of these weirdos and freaks! Oh, good, Turd is here! Fantastic! For once, he’s actually the least annoying person in the area. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to take great pleasure in slapping him around like… something that gets slapped around a lot! Turd informs me that it’d be a good idea to visit the captain.

And visit the captain I shall!

I Wasn’t Going To Throw Up, But Then I Saw You Do It…

WHOA! Son of a… that’s disgusting! It looks like vegetable medley! How in the hell does a sea captain get SEASICK?! Why didn’t you pick almost ANY other profession?! You had to pick one of the few that involves the SEA?!

WAIT?! WHAT?!

This Is Getting Weird…er. Weirder.

WHOA WHOA WHOA I DID WHAT?! WHOA WHAT AM I RUBBING?!

Right, of course… heh… his back. Yeah… WAIT THAT’S STILL REALLY WEIRD! He gives me an HM for Cut so I don’t tell anyone about the erection he got while I was rubbing his back. Seems fair. I decide I’m going to go put my new Cut HM back in the item box when…

WAIT! COME BACK!

…and the ship leaves without me. What are the odds it’s going to take off twelve seconds after I exit it?! That’s fantastic. Guess I’ll have to go on with my Pokemon journey instead. What a drag!

So yes, I will continue! But not today! That’s all for today’s adventure, folks. I hope you enjoyed my tails of the high seas. Pirates and booty and… well, ok, there weren’t any pirates… and only one booty (TOTALLY Sharpedo’d her!), so it wasn’t all that thrilling. But you enjoyed it anyway, right?

<Chapter FiveTable Of ContentsChapter Seven>

Chapter 5 – Bidoof Sucks And Meowth Bleeds

Did you know it’s illegal to offer your Sandshrew as a sex partner to an underage girl in a swimming pool?

With that said, it doesn’t look like we’ll be going back to Cerulean City anytime soon. Or at least until my restraining order expires…

But for some reason, I can’t find a way out. However, that police officer moved slightly out of the way of the door to that house that got robbed. Might as well go see if they left anything good to steal… er… “Borrow”. Alright, so what’s…

They Broke A Chunk Off The Table…

HOLY HELL WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?!?!

I’m starting to think that this whole “robbery” thing was a cover up. Does this look like a robbery to you?! OBVIOUSLY not. I mean, OBVIOUSLY this was an OBVIOUS… DUCK MONSTER HOME INVASION! I think he may have done horrible things to the guy in the safari hat standing by the perfectly shaped hole in the wall.

Oh hey, we can ESCAPE through that hole. Awesome. And look, that Team Rocket member is still there. The manhunt continues! At least the cop has moved a few feet. That’s a start. It’s the small steps, people. I guess they stole the safari guy’s Dig TM. And upon kicking the snot out of the worst robber in the history of robbers, he gave me back the stolen goods! Which I proceed to pocket and leave. What? Consider it a finder’s fee…

Heading South out of town, I hear a faint meowing noise. What is… that shiny object… it seems to be embedded in the head of a small cat. Let’s throw a pokeball at it!

And just like that, I’m the proud new owner of a Meowth!

This Rather Perfect Picture Will Make More Sense In A Second…

————

Meowth

The Scratchcat Pokemon

“Adores circular objects. Wanders the streets on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change.”

————

So let me get this straight, Meowth spends all night wandering the streets looking for loose change? Well, I think I have the perfect name for him…

Meoooowth, That’s Right…

Alright homeless kitten with a golden dollar coin embedded in your forehead, let’s head off to Vermilion City. Let me just pull that coin out…

…oh… oh God… so… so much blood…

Let’s just put that back! Come on, Hobo, let’s go! Yes, yes I know little buddy, the way the sun hits all that blood is really shiny and pretty but… stop drooling… HEY GET YOUR PAW OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! OH GOD HE LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE! WHO GAVE THE BRAIN DAMAGED CAT A MATCH!

I didn’t stomp on my Meowth! He… just fell down some stairs.

Good, we’re here. Vermilion City. Home of our third gym leader! Let’s read the sign that tells us all about him!

That’s RACIST!

So, the one “American” character in this game is dressed like a soldier? I’m starting to think that all the Japanese think us Americans are is a bunch of violent, crazy war-mongers! Whatever. Let’s go kick Lt. Surge’s ass and then spread Democracy! Hey wait… Anyway, we’ll just head on into the gym and… what?

Practical

So, they seem to have planted a tree over the only possible way to get to the gym. I’d assume that since none of the pokemon that an electric gym leader has can cut trees, that they’ve been stuck in there for a long time. I should maybe call someone for help. I don’t want them to go completely crazy and eat each other out of desperation. MEOWTH PUT DOWN THOSE SCISSORS…

What was I going to do again?

I guess I’ll just go look around town and see what’s going on with the Vermilionians. WHOA, ok… wow, that just didn’t work. Vermilionites? Vermilionaires?

With A Name Like That…

Oh look, this guy is writing a girl a letter! Let’s read it and make fun of him!

He’s writing to Pippi… really, Pippi? Ok… about how horrible Team Rocket is rumored to be in Saffron City. Alright, if this girl’s name is Pippi, she has a lot more to worry about than Team Rocket. Unless it was Team Rocket that named her Pippi. In which case… THOSE EVIL BASTARDS.

SHUT UP, SLAVE! Er… HM SLAVE!

I love having conversations with these simple folk. The ones in the Pokemart seem awful chatty.

“There are evil people who will use Pokemon for criminal acts. Team Rocket traffics in rare Pokemon. They also abandon Pokemon that they consider not to be popular or useful.”

That’s right, Bidoof, this is your eviction notice. GTFO of my pokeball, you Bidoofus.

A Seel… In A CLUB… That Joke Writes Itself

What’s this building? Why, it’s The Pokemon Fan Club. A place of true horrors. I do believe that there are evil forces at work here. I mean, how else can you explain why this Seel appears to be sitting on a chair. Seel’s do not belong on a chair. They belong in the ocean. WHY IS YOUR SEEL NOT IN THE OCEAN?!

Of course, talking to it’s owner, I can see it’s sitting on a chair is the least of my worries…

So Would I, Gurl.

I think it’s saying “Bad Touch” in Pokemon. I’d really suggest not squeezing things until they make loud, high pitched noises.

It’s Funny How Much An Owner Can Start Looking Like Their Pokemon…

The guy on the other side of the table has a Pikachu. And… wow. Hey, Atkins, come check this out! This Pikachu is enormous!

Come laugh at the obese Pikachu, Fat Pikachu. Hey? Your breath smells like mouthwash and stomach acid. A bucket? Why would you need a bucket… um… alright, sure you can use the bathroom…

Cool Story, Slowbro

Well, while PUKEachu, er… Atkins, is brushing his tongue, let’s see what the chairman has to say.

Yeah, I didn’t get laid much in High School either. He then seems to go into some kind of bizarre trance when he brings up his favorite pokemon Bidoof.

…Oh God, You’re Not Aroused Are You…

KIDDING! His favorite is Rapidash. Fuckin’ Bidoof my ass… heh, Bidoof… But yes, his trance!

Back…away…slowly… RUN!

What’s this in my pocket? A boat ticket? Oh right! Bill gave it to me right before his skin started to melt off. That cell seperator didn’t exactly work as well as planned. I guess it has some… side effects. It’s ok, I hid the body in the Viridian Forest. No one has noticed yet.

I guess we’ll just head off to the S. S. Anne!

LATER! That’s right! We’re going to set sail in the next chapter! Nothin’ but babes and buffets! It’ll be grand. And not a pokemon battle in sight! Probably…

<Chapter FourTable Of ContentsChapter Six>