Chapter 1 – Dick Jokes And The Nutty “Prof”

WTF Is A PROF?

And so it begins. The great adventures of the GodOfMoogles (hereby known as “GOM”) in the world of Pokemon. We start things off with the introductions. The great Professor Oak (Read:”Prof” because “Professor” would have apparently killed the writers.) explains to us his fetish career and then informs us that we have to name his grandson. And because I’m roughly 6 years old, I will be naming him “Turd”. Because I can, that’s why!

Too Bad I Don’t Have The Option To Just Stay Home And Play Donkey Kong Country…

Now, let’s get right into things, shall we.

So, our fearless hero GOM has spent his whole life dreaming about being a pokemon master. It’s time to leave his trusty SNES (which he uses to no doubt behead other people in Mortal Kombat) and venture out to do what is apparently the only option for human beings to do in this world: capture wild animals and make them fight each other for money. Remember, this is a video game. This is very much frowned upon in real life…

Trainer: GO GROWLITHE!

Michael Vick: PIT BULL, I CHOOSE YOU!

Too soon?

I’m a little concerned right from the start. Our house seems to have only two rooms. GOM’s room, which is the same size as the entire downstairs, and the… other room that takes up all of the first floor. No one seems to care where my mother sleeps. I’m guessing she maybe sprawls out across that enormous table. And hey, if she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom… where the fuck is the kitchen?! We also seem to be in a world where it’s perfectly acceptable to put a sign outside our house that says “GOM’s House”. Because screw my mom, that’s why!

Right, so we’re venturing out to meet “Prof” Oak. Let’s take a look around our beautiful home town. Here’s our house. There is our neighbor’s house. And there is an enormous building dedicated to pokemon. And that’s it. Wow, I wonder what the property value is for a place in this small of a community. If you removed one of these buildings, I’d probably be considered a hermit.

I can’t imagine this is a very pleasant place to live, considering there appears to be a few homeless people just wandering aimlessly around our front yard. Let’s see what our vagabond friends have to say.

Girl: I’m raising Pokemon too! When they get strong, they can protect me!

From what? Your horribly mundane life being an NPC in a town of ten?

Fat Guy: Technology is incredible! You can now store and recall items and Pokemon as data via PC!

And yet apparently we’re incapable of building enough houses for all the people in this Arceus forsaken world. Priorities: We has them.

Entering the “Oak Pokemon Research Lab”, we find that they are not actually researching oak pokemon. What a shame. The people inside the lab aren’t any more interesting. Two of them both say the same exact thing, which makes me believe that the good “Prof” has an army of clones working for him.

In the next room, Turd awaits! He informs us that “Gramps” isn’t around. Thanks, Turd, I wouldn’t have been able to figure that out considering I can see the entire town from where I stand. Guess we’re going to have to go find the “Prof” then.

As I attempt to exit town, via the only way anyone CAN exit town, the “Prof” suddenly materializes from the wall of my house, and then proceeds to yell at me. Apparently, it’s unsafe to leave unless we have a pokemon. Seems like they should have taken that into consideration when they decided to build a freakin’ town here!

Inside, the “Prof” shows me and Turd his balls. Yes, that is the first of what will probably be MANY testicle jokes I will be making. Come on, I named my rival “Turd”, do you really think I won’t be making cheap “balls” jokes too?

It would appear the “Prof” is going to give me my own pokemon.

“Prof”: When I was young, I was a serious pokemon trainer. But in my old age, I have only 3 left.

Apparently, the only thing he was serious about was killing his pokemon. I don’t know if we should trust this guy. But alas, we get a free pokemon out of the deal, so we’ll forgive him for now. And which one will I pick? I’ve decided to go with none other than…

Bitch Please!

————

SQUIRTLE

The “Tinyturtle” Pokemon

After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth”

————

So, it swells and hardens and then shoots foam, aye? I guess we have a penis joke to go with those balls jokes…

Nickname time. I would like you all to meet my starter: Wetback. It’s a nice, Spanish name. I’m also a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Turd has decided he’s going to pick the pokemon my pokemon is weak against. I’d say this was clever on his part, but I’m sure he totally just did it to piss me off. Of course, he isn’t done pissing me off. He wants to battle. Fantastic. I’ve had this turtle for roughly two minutes now and you want me to send it off to die for my causes? Seems a bit impersonal, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge.

Just like that, I’m thrust into our first fight. In the course of the fight, Wetback misses about half of his attacks. But alas, despite that, we’re able to pull out a victory. I can imagine my commands during this fight went something like this:

“Wetback! TACKLE! Wetback… tackle again! WETBACK… TACKLE. Tackle him, Wetback. Try tackling him? GO FOR THE TACKLE! Tackle! Tack… I need a new hobby…”

Turd takes off with his trademark goodbye: “Smell ya later!” Smell you later as well, Turd! Smell you later as well…

I guess it’s safe to venture out now. So I head through Route 1 into the bustling metropolis of Viridian City. Of course, “City” might be a bit of an overstatement. Perhaps “Township” or something is more appropriate. Also: What the fuck is a township?

Anyway, as we head into the item store, I instantly regret wearing my shirt that says “I’m everyone’s bitch. Please make me do your job for you!”, because the item store clerk has told me he wants me to deliver a package to the “Prof”. Why don’t you employ one of the many homeless people to do that for you, it’ll help stimulate the economy. But fine, if you’d like, I can have Wetback do it for us. He LOVES taking people’s jobs! (Oh yeah, racist jokes! What’s a pokemon blog without it. Wait until I catch a Jynx!)

I’ve delivered the package to the “Prof”, and I guess it’s a “custom pokeball” he ordered. I’m not sure what that means, but it can’t possibly be anything good. Please note that Charmander is going to be sitting on the table for the remainder of this adventure. That’s actually kind of depressing. Shortly after delivering the package, Turd shows up. Because Turd has nothing better to do.

The “Prof” wants us to have our very own iPhone! Of course, the only App it has downloaded is “Pokedex”. What a load of crap. I wanted to play Angry Birds while I continue to tell Wetback to tackle a bunch of birds and rats outside of town. What a jip! Anyway, Turd informs me that he’s going to borrow a map from his sister, and tell her not to lend me one. That’s fine, I don’t want your sister’s map anyway! It probably has herpes! LIKE YOUR MOM! OH WHAT NOW!

Turd: My mom is dead, you dick! That’s why I live alone with my sister and this creepy old man!

Me: Why does that always happen!

Lucky for us, Turd’s sister gives us a map anyway. How nice of her. I almost feel bad for all the times I sat up at night masturbating feverishly to thoughts of her. Almost.

It’s time to start catching pokemon! After purchasing a couple of pokeballs from the PokeMart in Viridian, I’m out to the tall grass to catch a partner for Wetback! Nearby, I decide to catch a cute lil’ Male Nidoran

The Male Nidoran Is Purple, The Female Is Blue. Pokemon: Abolishing Gender Stereotypes Since 1996

————

NIDORAN

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“Stiffens its ears to sense danger. The larger its horns, the more powerful its secreted venom.”

————

So, I’ve decided since I gave such an insensitive name to Wetback, that I’d try for a more respectable name for my horny bunny thing. I think he should be given a good strong name! A name he can be proud of! A name like:

StiffyEars

After some quick leveling up, it’s time to go take on the Pokemon League! Unforunately, Turd shows up and let’s us know that we can’t. And then challenges us to a battle. Oh, Turd, it’s on like Donkey Kong with a Bong!

StiffyEars makes short work of Turd’s Pidgey with his HornyAttack. But now it’s time to face Bulbasaur. And StiffyEars makes quick work of him too. Well, that was certainly underwealming.

I guess we’re done with Viridian City now. It’s time to head North, through the Viridian Forest!

But alas: that’s for another day! That’s all for today’s leg of GOM’s Pokemon Blue Adventure! Join us next time as we head through Viridian Forest and face off against Brock. A man with a huge, hard snake! Oh yeah, the penis jokes will continue!

| — Table Of ContentsChapter Two >

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