Chapter 3 – Goin’ Zubatshit Crazy In Mt. Moon

(Warning: I make a couple of pop-culture jokes most of you are probably not going to find funny or perhaps even understand. They are pretty much just for my own entertainment. I did make a penis joke or two. So chuckle like a Shuckle, my Poke-Pals!)

Mt. Moon. A majestic mountain that seems to be… hollow? I mean, how else can you explain why it’s so insanely open in here? I mean, really, shouldn’t a cave be more… cave like? I suppose if Brock comes and trains here, he’d need all this extra room for his rippling biceps!

Great, I thought the drugs he gave me wore off. Stupid child molesting weirdo. Put a shirt on already, will ya! It’s almost winter, you wouldn’t want your nipples to use “Harden”!

I don’t like Mt. Moon. It’s incredibly uninteresting. Maybe if we had one of those fascinating cave tour guides (Read: Annoying Useless Fact Machines) to show us around before we begin our adventure.

Tour Guide: Mt. Moon is also known for it’s rich mineral deposits and… yes, GOM?

GOM: …dude, the FUCK is with all the Zubats?! They’re friggin’ EVERYWHERE! Consider I’ve leveled up in here for hours at a time, I’d have to say there has to be at LEAST a million of them or so. They just keep coming!

Tour Guide: Oh, well, there is an interesting historical story about that. You see, back in 1947 the Zubat population was very low. So, we gave them some of the same furtility drugs we gave Kate Gosslin.

GOM: So in other words you’re saying I’m lucky it’s just Zubats and not Gosslin’s kids running around in here?

Tour Guide: Exactly. All they can do is be exploited for the financial gain of their owner. Oh wait, that’s no different than Pokemon, is it…

I have no idea. That joke is about five years too late. I apologize. It’s still funny. Stupid bitch.

I Knew That Pokemart Was A Front!

Before I can get too far, I come across Team Rocket. Just sorta… chilling in random spots in the cave. Doin’ evil things like, um, thinking dirty thoughts about your mom and not paying taxes. Gangsta shit! At least he’s not part of that creepy shorts cult…

Oh cool! The first Team Rocket Grunt I fight has a Zubat! Never seen one of those before! Except for EVERY FRIGGIN’ BATTLE I’VE GOTTEN INTO SINCE I ENTERED THIS STUPID CAVE! Oh well, that just gives me one more reason to kick this guy’s ass. The first reason being that ridiculous hat he’s wearing. What are you, a French impressionist painter?  Lose the beret, it’s not very gangsta like.

Lying on the ground of the cave, I happen upon a Rare Candy. Something tells me it fell out of Brock’s van last time he was trolling the cave for underage tail. I’m going to keep it, because there is NO WAY that it has razor blades or cyanide in it. In fact, I’m almost 90% sure of it! Hey, Atkins, put that candy down you tubby bastard, you already ate a trainer on the way here, wasn’t that enough. I’m saving that candy for later. I’ll find some pokemon I don’t like much to test it out. If it dies, I’ll know to not eat anything I find on the floor of a cave ever again.

I also found TM12, which teaches Water Gun. Which my water type will learn pretty soon on his own anyway. Helpful.

I come across a Lass who says something about it being so big. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I was hangin’ with my pokemons! I’m sure it wasn’t anything about my penis and how badly she wanted to mount me like a Ponyta right here on the cave floor. Of course, after beating her, my StiffyEars evolved! I now have:

Dat Horn!

————

Nidorino

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“An aggressive Pokemon that is quick to attack. The horn on it’s head secretes a powerful venom.”

————

That’s great, now I have an over-eater and a rageaholic in my party. What is this, a freakin’ therapy session? Is there a “Wrist-Cutting” Pokemon? How about a “Daddy Touched My No-No Place and Now I Hate Men” Pokemon?

Team Rocket Grunt: “We’re pulling a big job here! Get lost, kid!”

I do not doubt that… Grunt. I mean, any people that wear matching jump suits have to mean serious business. Just like these guys!

TEAM NAZI BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

Next up, I find a young boy who asks me if I came to explore too. No, little boy, I’m not Brock. I’m not here to “explore”.

Hey, can someone tell me why all the Geodude’s have a pompadour that makes them look lile John Travolta in Grease?

Ye…ah. Next Up: An Onix With A Mullet

John Travolta: The Original Geodude

And it seems to be telling me to take a hike or something… or it’s hitchhiking. Something involving a hike. Oh look, a hiker. And he’s fat. Another question: Why are all the hiker’s in the poke-verse so fat? Wouldn’t you think with all the hiking they supoosedly do, they’d be nice and fit? Maybe it’s because they stand around waiting to have animal fights with small children in caves which appear to have no actually way of being lit… HOW CAN I SEE IN HERE?!

Moving on, Looks like there are plenty more Team Rocket Grunts (really, couldn’t give them names? Why not just call them Storm Troopers) down here. One of them tells me that “Little kids should leave grown-ups alone!” I agree, Pokemon Gangster. Annoying little shits.

The last Team Rocket member I come across informs me of their plan. They’re going to find the fossils, revive them, and sell them for cash! And what are you going to do with that cash? Invest it in Real Estate? I mean, there are like… six houses. I’m sure the market has NO value. Perhaps if you put them into a 401k, the interest would… what was I talking about again?

Or maybe they’ll buy guns, so little kids with spitting turtles and fat electic rodents can’t foil their plans this easily. Honestly, there is at least four of you in here. Why don’t you all just get together and punch me in the face or something. That’s all it would take. I’ll leave, seriously. I’m a major pussy. Why do you think I’m a friggin’ pokemon trainer?! To be fair, I’ll pretend I saw nothing if you just give me one of those super rare Zubats you guys have! Those things are near-impossible to find! I’ll turn and walk away, pretending none of this ever happened. I have no morals! I’m easily bought!

HEY, LISTEN… er… HEY, STOP!

Not ten seconds later, I’m stopped by the most pushy nerd on the planet.

He found these fossils, and they’re both his! Um, fine, take them. I have zero interest in fossils, seriously. I can’t think of anything that’s more boring. Except maybe pokemon battling the same pokemon over and over and over and over and over and Zubat and Zubat and Zubat and Cle…JUST KIDDING ZUBAT.

WEEEEEEEEEE! BP Spilled A Ton Of Grimmers Into The Ocean!

Well, the nerd wants to fight me. Fine, you know what, I’m going to kick your ass, THEN I’m going to take your fossils. And I’m going to feed them to Pikachew over here. OM NOM NOM FOSSILS. How do you like that?!

Nice Forehead Tattoo

After breezing through Grimer-On-A-Roller-Coaster and Voltorb, I come across… AN ENORMOUS FOREHEAD OF DOOM! I mean… Koffing.

Seriously, look at the size of it’s forehead! I mean… IT’S HUGE!

Now that I’ve smacked some sense into this nerd, he’s going to “share” one of his fossils. Oh really, how ’bout I just take both of them and leave you here to be picked up by Brock? You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.

Helix Fossil. Dome Fossil. That is the question! And the answer is…

DOME FOSSIL. Because “Dome” makes me chuckle. Penis joke, I choose you!

Finally, daylight! We’ve escaped the cave. And after a short walk, I’ve made it to my next destination: Cerulean City!

Sorry about the bore-fest that was Mt. Moon. Cerulean City is bound to be a ton of fun! And believe me, if you thought I was takin’ shots at Brock, wait until you hear what I have to say about Misty!

Those shorts with those shoes, girl YOU CRAZY!

< Chapter TwoTable Of ContentsChapter Four >

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