Chapter 4 – Nugget Bridge Over Troubled Water-Types

Cerulean City

“A Mysterious, Blue Aura Surrounds It”

Garbador, The New Jersey Pokemon

That’s what the sign in town says. Sounds like you’ve got one hell of a pollution problem then. Kinda like New Jersey! Only their aura is green! And smells like a steaming pile of Garbadors.

I’m not really sure what a blue aura has to do with anything. Cerulean doesn’t seem all that much different from any other town in this region. And by that I mean it seems that the city planner was drunk when laying out this town as well because there are fences in nonsensical places and the buildings look like they were placed by shoving various Monopoly houses into someone’s mouth and sneezing them out onto a map.

But here we are. Arriving in Cerulean City, I immediately begin mingling with the townsfolk. My hopes are that the people on this side of the mountain are a bit more sane than the people over in Pewter City. And from the conversation I have with the first person, it seems I’m right! They’re not crazy…

…So You Don’t Care, Then?

They’re pricks! I tell this guy all about my encyclopedia on Pokemon that I’m making, and he responds with this crap?!

Random NPC uses Sarcasm. It’s highly effective!

You’re Going To Have To EARN It, Know-what-I’m-sayin’?

So, that guy’s a dick and a girl a little ways away, well… she’s a complete nitwit!

Alright, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bright red bicycle. It sounds pretty. However, The next sentence out of her mouth is: “I’ll keep it at home, so it won’t get dirty!”

I see. So, you want to drop a substantial chunk of change on a SHOW bike? Are you just going to sit inside all day and stare at it. Day dreaming of what it would be like to take it outside and actually RIDE it? You lead one depressing life, my friend.

I Got 12 Head Shots In One Hour! This Is Really Shitty, Cheap Beer! I’m Awesome!

And over here, we have another asshole. She appears to be training her Slowbro. But he keeps on playing Call of Duty and ignoring her!

No, actually, she’s having issues making him punch.

Harsh…

Ease off, bitch! He’s “slow”. Honestly, you’d make a terrible Special Olympics coach…

“NO! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU THROW A JAVELIN! AND STOP DROOLING ON THE SHARP PART!”*

*Note: I highly doubt they have the javelin toss in the Special Olympics. I’m using an over-exaggeration to make the joke funnier. Relax.

So many people to talk to! Oh, hello officer. What seems to be the problem? Oh, the poor people here were robbed?! That’s awful! What’s that you say?

No Shit, Sherlock. Keep Diglettin’ Watson

…Did you figure that out because there is a Team Rocket member standing in the backyard? Also: Is there a reason instead of going and ARRESTING the Team Rocket member who is OBVIOUSLY behind this “most heinous” (his words, not mine. Robbery: worst crime ever in the Pokemon world) crime, you’re just standing in front of the front door letting me know of other people’s problems? Let me guess? He threw out his Ratata and you got scared?

And I thought that Grunt in Mt. Moon said they were gangsters. Is house robbing really a gangster crime? What he SHOULD have done is killed the entire family, but first made them use a Diglett to dig their own graves. Now THAT’S gangster.

“Even our police force has trouble with Team Rocket!”

Really, because about an hour ago I foiled their entire Mt. Moon operation without so much as breaking a sweat. Maybe it’s because you’re just standing here instead of arresting him. Again: He’s right there in the backyard. I can see him from here. He’s seriously just looking at us. Look, he’s waving. He’s fuckin’ waving at you, you dumb ass. Hey. HEY?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!

You know what, I’ve grown tired of Cerulean’s Most Wanted, it’s time to explore some more.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Down south is a bicycle shop. It has a pretty red shiny DISPLAY bike for sale for…

SWEET MOTHER OF CUBONE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?! 1,000,000…eh…currancy…objects?! What the hell is that bike made out of, Angelina Jolie’s tits?! Who the hell would pay that much money for a bike?!

So, after exiting the bike shop in utter dismay, I decide to check out what’s north of town.

Who Says “Yo!” Anymore, Anyway?

Oh great, it’s Turd. “Yo!” Turd… what’s goin’ on? Apparently, he caught a bunch of strong and “smart” pokemon. Not kidding. He says smart. Let’s see about that! Turd, I challenge you to…

A GAME OF SCRABBLE! Atkins, I choose you!

HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT DON’T EAT THE “Z” THAT’S WORTH 10 POINTS?!

Fine, I guess we’ll just settle this in a pokemon battle instead!

Turd sends out Pidgeotto. I send out Atkins. After he shits out the word “Zenith” (Definition: 2.That point in the visible celestial hemisphere which is vertical to the spectator; the point of the heavens directly overhead), which is an AWESOME word that everyone should know, he proceeds to electro-shock Pidgeotto into oblivion. Next up is Abra, Ratata, and Bulbasaur. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume Abra is the smart one of the group? I mean, his Abra stopped in the middle of battle and discovered a new element?! That’s impressive…

STIFFYEARS USE HORN ATTACK!

Abra Fainted.

Yeah, you were so distracted trying to solve the riddles of the universe that you didn’t see ol’ StiffyEars gore you to death with his rock-hard horn of death and asskickery! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YOU ABRA?! HAH!

I Did Take It Easy. EASY LIKE YO’ MOMMA!

Really? Now it’s all “HEY! NO! TOO ROUGH!”? What’s the matter, Turd? Not so tough now? What happened to the Turd who, when we were kids, would pull my underwear up over my head and call my mom a Whorelax?! That’s right, revenge is a dish best served cold. And with a side of onion rings, because… YUMMY!

Turd proceeds to say some things, but I’m too busy checking text messages to care. Actually, I heard something about Bill showing Turd his privates? Oh, private pokemon collection. Wow, totally misheard that one. Bill is the creator of the Pokemon Storage System. Psh, I’d like to see Steve Jobs do THAT!

Oh wait, he’s dead.

Winner: BILL!

Turd exits with a “Smell ya later!” and we’re off to find Bill.

What An Awful Name…

Don’t say “nugget” so loud, Atkins is going to think you said “Torchic-ken Nugget”, and possibly eat your hand in a fit of hunger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

They offer me a “fabulous” prize if I beat all five of them. I swear, if it’s another mail-in card for a free Book of Mormon, I’m going to rage-kill.

In the midst of the ass-kicking, my Wetback grows into a Wartortle!

So Sexy He’ll Make You Wet

————

Wartortle

“The Turtle Pokemon”

“Often hides in water to stalk unwary prey. For swimming fast, it moves its ears to maintain balance.”

————

HEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEE I Saw THREE Butt Cracks Today, OH YEAH!

Stalker pokemon, that’s cool. I can’t help but feel that it’s “prey” is girls in bikinis at the beach. And it’s “fast swimming” is used to get the hell out of there when they see his underwater camera. Yes, in my mind, Wartortle is a pervert. But come on, JUST LOOK AT THAT CREEPY SMILE!

What’s That… Oh, It’s “Mankey”

The fifth and final guy on the bridge has a Mankey. I think. I can’t really tell. It looks nothing like any of the pictures. And how the hell does it eat without a mouth! While we’re asking questions about this: what is it doing?! It looks like it’s just tugging on it’s ears to make it’s eyes wider. I guess not everyone enjoys being Japanese…

Anyway, I’ve beaten the Nugget Five, and my prize is a… nugget. Awesome. Now I can finally call up all those “gold for cash” infomercials that come on television during Maury! I’m going to be rich!

Apparently, the guy who gave me the nugget works for Team Rocket. Did he just give me the stolen merchandise from that house that got robbed? Guess they really listened to me when I said I’d keep my mouth shut if they gave me a cut! It’s good to know at least the criminals here will take my advice. STILL waiting on Brock to put on a shirt, his skin is turning blue. It’s like… 37 degrees out…

I guess I have to fight this Team Rocket member too. He proceeds to practically beg me to join his group. About twenty or so times… wow, they must be really low on recruits! I wonder why, I mean… I’d totally be in a crime syndicate if the cops were as pathetic as the ones in this town.

I think it’s time to recruit a new member to my team! And I’ve decided to go with one I haven’t really used much before. Say hello to my Sandshrew!

This Is The Face Of Your Doom! It’s… Really Cute…

————

Sandshrew

“The Mouse Pokemon” (Wait, Isn’t Pikachu “The Mouse Pokemon?”. I thought Sandshrew was… you know… A SHREW?!)

Burrows deep underground in arid (lofty word for a kids game…) locations away from water. It only emerges to hunt for food.

————

CUTEST. VIRGIN. EVER!

Sorta like a World Of Warcraft player living in their parent’s basement, huh? It stays far away from a shower, and only surfaces to snab the bag of Cheetos mom just picked up from the SuperValu. Sandshrew is a Level 65 Blood Mage*, bitches!

*Note: I don’t play WoW. If you fuckin’ comment with something like “Psh, N00b, a blood mage isn’t a class!” I will Falcon Punch you in the kidney until you pee fire.

I’ve decided in honor of his World of Warcraft playing ways, I will give him an appropriate name!

I’m kidding. Relax. I’m sure between fighting off Orcs, you’re gang banging the neighbor twins.

So, after kicking the snot out of a field full of trainers, I come across a TM for Seismic Toss. Ah, what the hey, Virgin could use a new move! I doubt I’ll get a fighting type at any point in this game, so he’ll take a fighting move for now. Virgin learns Seismic Toss!

GOM Used Poop Pants

I’ve finally reached Bill’s “Sea” cottage which appears to be absolutely nowhere near any sort of sea. That’s ok, he’s not even home! It’s just a cute pokemon!

…wait what?

It turns out it’s Bill. And he somehow botched an “experiment” and turned himself into THE FLY. I mean, a pokemon. Sure, that seems plausible. Don’t go into details or anything. He wants me to help him out.

Hey wait, wasn’t Turd just here?! Don’t tell me he just left Bill like this?! What a…well.. Turd!

Ah, what the hell, I’ll help ol’ creepy hermit Bill out! We’ll head over to his… cell… separator?

That Sounds Painful…

Cell separator? That sounds horrifying. When did this turn into the third Saw game?

Bill gives me a ticket to a boat. Really? I pretty much saved your life and you give me a friggin’ boat ticket? Alright, fine. Thanks, I guess? Weirdo… Have fun making glow-in-the-dark Meowths or whatever the hell it is you do all alone in your hermit cave in the middle of nowhere. Freak.

You know, I’m starting to feel bad for Virgin. I think we’re going to get him laid! We need to find a “sure thing”. Oh, what do you know, I found one!

Misty Wants To DANCE!

Stop smelling your armpit for a second and have sex with this Sandshrew! I’m sure it won’t take long. Let’s just say I’m sure he’s a master of the “Quick Attack” if you know what I’m saying.

No? You’d rather Pokemon battle? Ugh, fine. But if I win, you sleep with Sandshrew! I just hope he doesn’t catch a raging case of Krabbys from you.

Misty is done for! Atkins has been depressed lately, something about me always calling him Pikachew. He’s decided he’s going to become bulemic. And he’s taking his anger out on Misty! Heh, way to go PUKEachu!

Why are you crying? What, did I say something insensitive?

Anyway, that’s it for today’s adventure. With two badges in hand, I’m off to the next town. I think I’ll have to catch another friend along the way as well. You can never have enough friends. No, seriously, you don’t have to settle for the two you have. Honestly. Go outside and do something with your life, loser!

<Chapter ThreeTable Of ContentsChapter Five>

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