There are certain stories that shouldn’t be told. Such as what I had to do to earn my HM for the move “Cut”. Sea captains are perverted bastards! I know I’m generalizing, but you know what… screw it. ALL sea captains are perverts. There, it’s been said.
Virgin has evolved, by the way! He’s become…
ANOTHER Mouse Pokemon
“Curls up into a spiny ball when threatened. It can roll while curled up to attack or escape.”
Little Virgin is growing up! And it would seem he’s reached the brooding stage of being a rejected virgin. Which is followed by…
Learning Cut! And just like that, Virgin has become emo. Who knew not getting laid could make you develop an annoying personality and start wearing girl’s pants.No wait, that’s common knowledge. My mistake.
He can also write terrible poetry with the word “darkness” in it several times. I think he’s about to get a tumblr account. I have to admit, the guy-liner is kinda funny on a Sandslashwrists though.
At least we can put Virgin’s new found skill to work! Let’s chop down that horribly placed tree and go check out the the next gym! They’ve been trapped in there for quite awhile, I can only imagine the carnage that I’m about to walk into.
Alright, this is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in this game. What in the name of Mew is going on in this place?! There are trash cans everywhere, perfectly laid out in a pattern. The spacing between each is flawless. This is some Howard Hughes level OCD shit right here. If Lt. Surge has Kleenex (rhymes with Snorlax! Sorta…) boxes on his feet, I’m going to run away faster than… um… someone who runs away from things really fast! My metaphors are wearing a bit thin right now. Which is more than I can say for Atkins…
Apparently, Lt. Surge isn’t just OCD, he’s also insane. He’s locked himself up in his room and hid the switches in the garbage cans. And they’re magic disappearing buttons too. Thus begins the most obnoxious moment in my entire adventure.
Finally, after a bunch of annoying trial and error, the doors into the other room swing open, and I’m off to my third gym battle!
The Lightning American has some rather unsettling words for me before our bout…
Yeah, being 14 years old probably means you’re right about that one. I mean, who sends 14 year olds into battle? This isn’t China, it’s Japan! They save their 14 year olds for prostitution! I’m a little worried that if I lose this battle, Lt. Surge is going to kill me.
He then begins to tell me about how electric pokemon saved him during “the war”. The war? I’d kill to know which war. Desert Storm was probably the closest to this game’s release. The image of Raichu frying Iraqi’s is too much for me to handle. I guess we finally know why this current war lasted so long: no pokemon! But enough talk about these unimportant matters like foreign politics and war. ON WITH THE POKEMON BATTLES!
But first: Fan service! Lt. Surge appears to be in a crouched position, sticking his ass at me. A very strange way to “go into battle”, if you ask me. I guess this is what happens when you repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
He also SORTA looks like a very angry Lance Bass. Just an observation…
Anyway, Virgin is completely immune to all of his pokemon’s attacks, which makes for one insanely uneventful battle. Maybe if the Iraqi’s would have just used ground type pokemon, they’d have won that war and oil prices would be much higher in America. It’s a thought.
What follows is one of the most boring parts of my adventure. It involves:
1) Having to run through a super long cave full of what appear to be thumbs with noses. (That’d be a Diglett joke, if you didn’t catch that…)
2) Making Atkin’s move to his next obvious stage. He’s gone from Fat to Bulemic to Drunken Sorority Girl. As is usually the case. Why do I say he’s a drunker sorority girl? Why, I just taught him FLASH! Get it, because… Girl’s Gone Wild and… tits… you know what, fuck you. If you don’t get the jokes, just move on, alright! I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.
3) Back tracking. Evading Cerulean so that I don’t get arrested. The restraining order hasn’t been lifted quite yet…
4) Battling a bunch of annoying trainers. None of which really said anything that I can make funny or worth mentioning. Honestly, this was the most boring route full of trainers I’ve ever seen.
5) Heading through another cave filled with Zubats. What a surprise…
Yes, I just skipped a bunch of stuff. But we’re about to get to the good parts! This is a buffer post between the dull moments and the explosion of awesome that is the rest of this game. Things can only get bigger and more hilarious from here on out! So brace yourselves, Poke-fans, because next time we’re taking things to the next level.