So, here I am. Inside the hideout of a notorious pokemon-killing gang. Yup, this is a sound decision on my part. I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong. A teenage boy with only a few pets to defend himself walking around inside a dank basement hideout filled with dangerous criminals. These are the kind of adventures all kids should go on. No, really, if you’re a kid and you’re reading this: Break into a gang hideout. Right now. Stop reading here and go find a criminal hangout and just burst in and yell “I’m here to put a stop to your shenanigans!”. Not only will they quiver in fear, but they will absolutely NOT shoot you and throw your body in a ditch. Seriously.
In all honesty though, this is quite frightening. Atkins is shaking with fear! Actually, he may be going into a diabetic shock. Luckily, Rare Candy acts as an insulin substitute. He’ll be fine in a few minutes. But pretty soon we’ll have to amputate his little Pikachu foot. Maybe that’ll learn ’em…
Oh right, we’re busy fighting crime syndicates, aren’t we. This isn’t the time to be distracted. You know, walking around this place, I have to say it’s a bit odd to see criminal organizations utilizing potted plants in such a way as to give off a rather pleasant atmosphere to the place they plot their nefarious deeds. Finally, a reason to use the word “nefarious”. Those kinds of opportunities just can’t be turned down.
It’s time to start picking apart the ranks of this Axis of Evil one goofy goon at a time.
The first lackey I pummel asks me if I broke in. No, I just happened to wander into a hidden door by accident, Einstein. Of course I broke in! Actually, “Broke In” might be a rather lofty term for “Walked in with limited resistance”. Breaking in usually requires, well… breaking. Can we just say my path meandered a bit and I ended up inside your secret base? It gives me the excuse to use another awesome word. Meander. I’m a fuckin’ genius…
On the second floor, I discover some crazy panels that send me spinning wildly in whatever direction they’re pointing. I’m not so much concerned about the panels as I am about the lack of friction that allows me to spin in circles while maintaining forward momentum. Honestly, if I would have known these guys had a base that defies the very laws of physics, I wouldn’t have fucked with them in the first place.
Either that or they employ a janitorial staff that doesn’t understand the concept of showing restraint on their floor wax. Now I’m afraid I might get a chemical burn on my ass if I use one of their toilets due to over-use of Clorox! You know… because it’s not weird to stop and take a 45-minute long squat inside a gangster base of operations I happened to have broken into.
After spending ten minutes navigating a maze of these things,I find myself feeling sorry for the members of Team Rocket stationed here. I mean, what kind of work environment can this be.
“Hey, Jim, I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Wanna come with?”
“No thanks, last time I tried to get to the break room, I spent thirty minutes throwing up into one of the many, many potted plants we have…”
As I continue to fight through the ranks, one of the Team Rocket grunts asks me a question that I’m surprised hasn’t come out of my own mouth at some point in this little excursion. Another awesome word. I’m on a roll. Actually, that roll may just be my stomach still reacting to the spinning tiles. Honestly, I just projectile vomited in circles like some kind of messed up lawn sprinkler.
Why am I here? You know, that’s… that’s a really good question. I’m not quite sure what my motivation is for single-handedly, without informing the authorities, bringing down a crime ring. I mean, it seems like a kind of silly thing for a young boy to do in the middle of a Pokemon adventure. Oh well, I guess since you guys keep implying you have the Silph Scope I need, I’ll kick some ass.
That’s right, I will pummel criminals into the ground… as long as it furthers my own cause. No matter what the risk is, I WILL become a Pokemon master. Priorities. I has them.
Speaking of personal gain, in the process of kickin’ ass and taking names (those names are all Grunt…), my lovely brain damaged kitty cat Hobo decided it was time to clean up his act. It was time for him to re-enter society! And so, he evolved into quite the elegant fella.
The Classy Cat Pokemon
“Although it’s fur has many admirers, it is tough to raise as a pet because of it’s fickle meanness”
Oh great, so now that he’s cleaned up and found some medical help for his mental condition, he’s become a surly asshole? That’s great. And they weren’t kidding about his meanness, he just told me that when Atkins sits around the house, he really sits AROUND the house. So not only is he mean, but he tells hackneyed old jokes that no one laughs at anymore. This is going to be great…
I’m surprised that the coin didn’t leave that big of a scar though. Just a lil’ red hole that lets me see his brain. That’s not bad at all. Oh… oh my Arceus… brains are kinda gross. Can I put that coin back… AH ok ok… we’ll leave the hole alone…
I’m also a little concerned about Persian’s fur admirers. What does that mean, exactly. Admiring it’s fur? Does that mean that people would like to have cat fur all over their bodies? Well, I suppose this IS Japan, so that does sound like something they’d long for. Crazy cat girls. Crazy… sexy cat girls… what was I doing again?
Anyway, soon after, I acquire a lift key that was “accidentally” dropped on the floor by a Team Rocket member who yelled out something along the lines of:
“OH SHIT I dropped the lift key, I hope no one notices! I’m sure my hollering out that I just dropped it in no way will help people aid in taking it from me. I will now proceed to stand here next to the dropped item and ignore anyone that walks next to me, assuming they are in no way stealing said lift key! Nope, I’m Mr. Oblivious Shit-For-Brains the Fourth. It’s a family name, yup, a stupid family name for a stupid family of morons who make for horrible people to be trusted with important items!”
I may be over-exaggerating, but he might as well have said that. I mean, really. If you drop something as important as the one line of defense between intruders and your boss, you don’t want to telegraph that information to said intruders. And pick the fucking thing up, you dunce! Don’t just leave it there and stare off into the middle distance! You must really be upset about those spinning panels to give up the key this easily. Oh well, I suppose I shouldn’t complain.
Now that we’re on the top floor, I finally get some one-on-one time with the very face of evil: Giovanni. Because all gang leaders have to have Italian-sounding names. It’s like a law or something. He proceeds to deal with my intrusion like any respectable king pin would: Pokemon battle! I wouldn’t be surprised if they settled court cases with the damn things!
“How does the jury find the defendant?”
“After juror number six’s Charmander defeated juror number eleven’s Oddish by way of type advantage, we the jury find the defendant Brock not guilty of all charges of kidnapping and child molestation!”
That explains so much…
So yeah, we defeat Giovanni without much effort and he… well, he appears to just fuckin’ vanish into thin air. Seriously. He just… POOF… gone. You know, I’m not even going to stop and question it at this point. I just got a Silph Scope, which allows me to see ghosts, so I’m not going to question some David Copperfield shit now.
That’s right, armed with my new ghost-viewing scope it’s time for me to head back to Lavender Town and take care of some matters I left unattended earlier in my adventure. Come on Dr. Venkman, Egon, Ray, and Winston, let’s go… Remember not to cross the streams, and all the other obligatory Ghost Busters jokes of the sort.
But first, I’m going to head off to the fourth gym! Oh yes, another epic, and possibly awkward, battle is about to ensue. However, that’s for another day!