Chapter 10 – The Gloom Of Consumerism

I have climbed the treacherous ledges of mountain paths. Battled my way through thick forests filled with poisonous bugs. Stumbled my way through pitch-dark caves. Even fought my way through the hideout of a notorious gang. All of that has toughed me so that I could face my greatest danger yet:

A fucking shopping mall!

Welcome to the Celadon Dept. Store. It is here that I will face my greatest challenge yet. I will go toe-to-toe with the most battle-hardened foes the Pokemon world has ever known. Bargain hunters. And asshole parents that bring their shitty kids shopping with them. I’m going to need to keep my guard up.

I decide it’s best to make a plan of attack before making my ascent up this tower of avarice. I stop by the service desk to ask the lovely receptionist for information. She promptly tells me to go look at the sign nearby for the store layout.

…your job is to point me to a sign three feet away? Meanwhile, most of the other people in this country don’t have jobs, and your job is to stand around and essentially be an arrow sign with breasts? God Bless America… er… Kanto.

On the third floor, a nice gentleman informs me that he’s done with Pokemon, and remarks that I’m “not done yet”. I don’t… I’m not sure what that means. Did we just break the fourth wall again? Son of a bitch, my brain can’t handle all this reality-bending. It’s almost as if this world that I live in is some kind of construct created by man to keep me trapped. That would explain the awkward layout of plant life and my inability to climb up knee-high ledges. As I’m about to unravel the very fabric of my petty existence, the man hands me a TM and I forget what he said before because: Free shit!

As troubling as his philosophical-musing-inducing statement was, it’s what he says after he gives me the TM that makes me a bit concerned. He let’s me know that TM18 is Counter, but…

“Not like the one I’m leaning on”

Well that’s disappointing. I was hoping Atkins could bust out a huge slab of Marble and beat the living Grimer out of someone. Next I can teach him Yule Post and he’ll have quite the arsenal of attacks at his disposal. But then again, a pokemon that just swings around big chunks of building material as a weapon would be completely ridiculous! What kind of idiot would design a pokemon that…

…Never Mind…

…wut?

Check out this poster I found on the wall!

“Red And Blue! Both are Pokemon!”

I don’t even… what does… no they aren’t, they’re colors?! What does that even mean! I swear, if this city breaks the fourth wall one more time…

Upstairs, an eager young fellow informs me he is going to get a Poke Doll for his girlfriend. Because I’m sure she’s not totally sick of Pokemon already. At what point does it become over-exposure? You live in a world where you use Pokemon for play, and Pokemon for most jobs. Practically every building in town is dedicated to Pokemon, and you can’t walk six feet from any city without running into millions of the little bastards. And now you need to have dolls made up too? Next you’re going to show me someone dressing their kids up as pokemon and parading them around like some twisted pageant of…

Yeah, That Happened…

SON OF A BITCH! What is WRONG with you people?! I just… no, you know what. Nope nope nope. I’m done, I’m outta here. You can all go on your own damn Pokemon adventure. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. This is just… what the fuck, man?! Ugh…

…what? Oh fine… Let’s continue. But I swear, if one more thing makes me rage about the world, I’m going to Shuckle off this mortal coil.

Dammit.

Pokemon ability enhancers? So now Pokemon are juicing? Fantastic. Or maybe this is some other kind of enhancement? Natural Male Enhancement. StiffyEars, you ever have issues getting your horn up? OW. Sorry, sorry…

I like the idea of giving my Pokemon heaping helpings of Vitamins to make them stronger. That in no way sounds horribly dangerous. I need your special attack to go up a lot, so shove as much of this Calcium into your face as you can. There is no way that that’ll do a number on your lil’ Pokekidneys.

As insane as this trip to the mall has been, it hasn’t all been in vain. I was able to purchase one of those horrifying evolution stores! Yeah, now to just figure out how to use it on Eevee to make it evolve. If I just hold the radioactive material up to it long enough, something is bound to happen, right? Oh look, Exile is slowly changing! And… OH GOD HE BURST INTO FLAMES! NO NO NO OH DEAR GOD! HIS LITTLE EYE BALLS ARE GOING TO BOIL!

…Oh, that was supposed to happen? Eh heeheehee… heh…

No, Seriously. Call It A Flamer. I Dare Ya…

————

Flareon

The Flame Pokemon

“When storing thermal energy in its body, its temperature could soar to over 1600 degrees”

————

Whoa, wait a second. 1600 Degrees?! That’s… remind me not to cuddle with Exile at night. Shit, is it even safe to have this thing near me?! Or near anything, for that matter? Lesson learned: Do NOT expose your pets to high levels of radiation in an effort to give them super powers…

Moving right along, I have much more important things to take care of today. Yes, there are some things more important than adding to the economic strain that divides us as citizens. And that something is beating up a pretty girls plants in an effort to get into her pants. And get a shiny badge out of them! What did you think I meant by get in her pants? What, OH? You thought I meant… hah, no. No. Well…

So here we are, the beautiful, tranquil Celadon gym! It’s so peaceful and quiet. The lush flowers give off a lovely aroma. You could almost lay down and take a restful nap. The whole place just makes me want to COMPLETELY FUCK SOMEONE’S SHIT UP! Let’s pokemon battle you… Hey wait a minute…

Is there a creepy pervert just hanging out by the door of the gym commenting to strangers that pass by about how the gym is full of hot girls? Those pedophile glasses aren’t helping his cause. I should probably warn the authorities. But who has the time for warning the police about sexual predators right now, I have Pokemon to fight!

The Celadon gym is a Grass type gym. And I have a fire-breathing dog! Well, this ought to be easy. Remember kids, if you want to beat plants, the best way to do it is with large amounts of fire. Oh no, don’t worry about setting the building on fire or starting a massive wild fire. That almost never always happens. Sorta.

Erika seems perfectly normal, but she says some mighty scatterbrained things. First, she mentions the weather. Which is a bit odd because we’re indoors. I guess she’s been in this plant-filled building for so long she forgot that it’s artificial lighting. Then she apologizes and says that she must have dozed off. Wait, what? Were you sleep-talking? Ok, you’re a bit strange, aren’t you? I’m starting to wonder if being inside a building with all these exotic plants throwing pollen into the air is such a good idea after all. Have you been eating some of those funny mushroom Pokemon again, Erika?

Psilocybin, I Choose You!

She’s A Blast At Parties.

I had a slow start to the battle with Erika. Not because she’s a hard trainer or anything, but because I was having a hard time getting past the fact that she apparently has latent psychic powers that no one seems to care exist. No, seriously, she’s meditating and that Pokeball is just sorta… floating there. No one see’s that? Hello? Hey, will you guys stop dropping Foongus’ and look at this shit?! I’m not just seeing things am I? Oh crap, I’m high, aren’t I?

Once I got past the initial shock of the levitating Pokeball and the weird three headed neon orange snake that was telling me the secrets of the universe, I soundly proceeded to burn Erika worse than a McDonald’s hamburger.

WTF?!

However, right before delivering the final blow, I had to take a second to look at her Vileplume. And… well, see for yourself…

Seriously, it looks like one of those old racist Disney cartoons with the horribly colored black people in them. I suppose we can just go ahead and say that it’s charcoal black because I Ember’d it into oblivion.  Yeah, we’re just going to go with that. It’ll help prevent nightmares tonight. Seriously, WTF?

But with that, our adventure ends for the day. As we walk out of Celadon, looking at my shiny new Rainbow Badge, I can’t help but feel as though I did good today. I fought crime. I stimulated the economy. I almost stopped a pervert. Yeah, it was a good day. What the hell is with all these firetrucks? How annoying? Hey, Exile, you did good today, for a genetically mutated dog. Yeah, who’s a good radioactive pooch, yes you are! Hey, the wind sorta sounds like the agonizing screams of a bunch of pretty botanists. How strange… yet oddly peaceful. We’re going to sleep well tonight, friends…

<Chapter NineTable Of ContentsChapter Eleven>

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