Chapter 4 – Nugget Bridge Over Troubled Water-Types

Cerulean City

“A Mysterious, Blue Aura Surrounds It”

Garbador, The New Jersey Pokemon

That’s what the sign in town says. Sounds like you’ve got one hell of a pollution problem then. Kinda like New Jersey! Only their aura is green! And smells like a steaming pile of Garbadors.

I’m not really sure what a blue aura has to do with anything. Cerulean doesn’t seem all that much different from any other town in this region. And by that I mean it seems that the city planner was drunk when laying out this town as well because there are fences in nonsensical places and the buildings look like they were placed by shoving various Monopoly houses into someone’s mouth and sneezing them out onto a map.

But here we are. Arriving in Cerulean City, I immediately begin mingling with the townsfolk. My hopes are that the people on this side of the mountain are a bit more sane than the people over in Pewter City. And from the conversation I have with the first person, it seems I’m right! They’re not crazy…

…So You Don’t Care, Then?

They’re pricks! I tell this guy all about my encyclopedia on Pokemon that I’m making, and he responds with this crap?!

Random NPC uses Sarcasm. It’s highly effective!

You’re Going To Have To EARN It, Know-what-I’m-sayin’?

So, that guy’s a dick and a girl a little ways away, well… she’s a complete nitwit!

Alright, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bright red bicycle. It sounds pretty. However, The next sentence out of her mouth is: “I’ll keep it at home, so it won’t get dirty!”

I see. So, you want to drop a substantial chunk of change on a SHOW bike? Are you just going to sit inside all day and stare at it. Day dreaming of what it would be like to take it outside and actually RIDE it? You lead one depressing life, my friend.

I Got 12 Head Shots In One Hour! This Is Really Shitty, Cheap Beer! I’m Awesome!

And over here, we have another asshole. She appears to be training her Slowbro. But he keeps on playing Call of Duty and ignoring her!

No, actually, she’s having issues making him punch.

Harsh…

Ease off, bitch! He’s “slow”. Honestly, you’d make a terrible Special Olympics coach…

“NO! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU THROW A JAVELIN! AND STOP DROOLING ON THE SHARP PART!”*

*Note: I highly doubt they have the javelin toss in the Special Olympics. I’m using an over-exaggeration to make the joke funnier. Relax.

So many people to talk to! Oh, hello officer. What seems to be the problem? Oh, the poor people here were robbed?! That’s awful! What’s that you say?

No Shit, Sherlock. Keep Diglettin’ Watson

…Did you figure that out because there is a Team Rocket member standing in the backyard? Also: Is there a reason instead of going and ARRESTING the Team Rocket member who is OBVIOUSLY behind this “most heinous” (his words, not mine. Robbery: worst crime ever in the Pokemon world) crime, you’re just standing in front of the front door letting me know of other people’s problems? Let me guess? He threw out his Ratata and you got scared?

And I thought that Grunt in Mt. Moon said they were gangsters. Is house robbing really a gangster crime? What he SHOULD have done is killed the entire family, but first made them use a Diglett to dig their own graves. Now THAT’S gangster.

“Even our police force has trouble with Team Rocket!”

Really, because about an hour ago I foiled their entire Mt. Moon operation without so much as breaking a sweat. Maybe it’s because you’re just standing here instead of arresting him. Again: He’s right there in the backyard. I can see him from here. He’s seriously just looking at us. Look, he’s waving. He’s fuckin’ waving at you, you dumb ass. Hey. HEY?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!

You know what, I’ve grown tired of Cerulean’s Most Wanted, it’s time to explore some more.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Down south is a bicycle shop. It has a pretty red shiny DISPLAY bike for sale for…

SWEET MOTHER OF CUBONE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?! 1,000,000…eh…currancy…objects?! What the hell is that bike made out of, Angelina Jolie’s tits?! Who the hell would pay that much money for a bike?!

So, after exiting the bike shop in utter dismay, I decide to check out what’s north of town.

Who Says “Yo!” Anymore, Anyway?

Oh great, it’s Turd. “Yo!” Turd… what’s goin’ on? Apparently, he caught a bunch of strong and “smart” pokemon. Not kidding. He says smart. Let’s see about that! Turd, I challenge you to…

A GAME OF SCRABBLE! Atkins, I choose you!

HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT DON’T EAT THE “Z” THAT’S WORTH 10 POINTS?!

Fine, I guess we’ll just settle this in a pokemon battle instead!

Turd sends out Pidgeotto. I send out Atkins. After he shits out the word “Zenith” (Definition: 2.That point in the visible celestial hemisphere which is vertical to the spectator; the point of the heavens directly overhead), which is an AWESOME word that everyone should know, he proceeds to electro-shock Pidgeotto into oblivion. Next up is Abra, Ratata, and Bulbasaur. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume Abra is the smart one of the group? I mean, his Abra stopped in the middle of battle and discovered a new element?! That’s impressive…

STIFFYEARS USE HORN ATTACK!

Abra Fainted.

Yeah, you were so distracted trying to solve the riddles of the universe that you didn’t see ol’ StiffyEars gore you to death with his rock-hard horn of death and asskickery! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YOU ABRA?! HAH!

I Did Take It Easy. EASY LIKE YO’ MOMMA!

Really? Now it’s all “HEY! NO! TOO ROUGH!”? What’s the matter, Turd? Not so tough now? What happened to the Turd who, when we were kids, would pull my underwear up over my head and call my mom a Whorelax?! That’s right, revenge is a dish best served cold. And with a side of onion rings, because… YUMMY!

Turd proceeds to say some things, but I’m too busy checking text messages to care. Actually, I heard something about Bill showing Turd his privates? Oh, private pokemon collection. Wow, totally misheard that one. Bill is the creator of the Pokemon Storage System. Psh, I’d like to see Steve Jobs do THAT!

Oh wait, he’s dead.

Winner: BILL!

Turd exits with a “Smell ya later!” and we’re off to find Bill.

What An Awful Name…

Don’t say “nugget” so loud, Atkins is going to think you said “Torchic-ken Nugget”, and possibly eat your hand in a fit of hunger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

They offer me a “fabulous” prize if I beat all five of them. I swear, if it’s another mail-in card for a free Book of Mormon, I’m going to rage-kill.

In the midst of the ass-kicking, my Wetback grows into a Wartortle!

So Sexy He’ll Make You Wet

————

Wartortle

“The Turtle Pokemon”

“Often hides in water to stalk unwary prey. For swimming fast, it moves its ears to maintain balance.”

————

HEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEE I Saw THREE Butt Cracks Today, OH YEAH!

Stalker pokemon, that’s cool. I can’t help but feel that it’s “prey” is girls in bikinis at the beach. And it’s “fast swimming” is used to get the hell out of there when they see his underwater camera. Yes, in my mind, Wartortle is a pervert. But come on, JUST LOOK AT THAT CREEPY SMILE!

What’s That… Oh, It’s “Mankey”

The fifth and final guy on the bridge has a Mankey. I think. I can’t really tell. It looks nothing like any of the pictures. And how the hell does it eat without a mouth! While we’re asking questions about this: what is it doing?! It looks like it’s just tugging on it’s ears to make it’s eyes wider. I guess not everyone enjoys being Japanese…

Anyway, I’ve beaten the Nugget Five, and my prize is a… nugget. Awesome. Now I can finally call up all those “gold for cash” infomercials that come on television during Maury! I’m going to be rich!

Apparently, the guy who gave me the nugget works for Team Rocket. Did he just give me the stolen merchandise from that house that got robbed? Guess they really listened to me when I said I’d keep my mouth shut if they gave me a cut! It’s good to know at least the criminals here will take my advice. STILL waiting on Brock to put on a shirt, his skin is turning blue. It’s like… 37 degrees out…

I guess I have to fight this Team Rocket member too. He proceeds to practically beg me to join his group. About twenty or so times… wow, they must be really low on recruits! I wonder why, I mean… I’d totally be in a crime syndicate if the cops were as pathetic as the ones in this town.

I think it’s time to recruit a new member to my team! And I’ve decided to go with one I haven’t really used much before. Say hello to my Sandshrew!

This Is The Face Of Your Doom! It’s… Really Cute…

————

Sandshrew

“The Mouse Pokemon” (Wait, Isn’t Pikachu “The Mouse Pokemon?”. I thought Sandshrew was… you know… A SHREW?!)

Burrows deep underground in arid (lofty word for a kids game…) locations away from water. It only emerges to hunt for food.

————

CUTEST. VIRGIN. EVER!

Sorta like a World Of Warcraft player living in their parent’s basement, huh? It stays far away from a shower, and only surfaces to snab the bag of Cheetos mom just picked up from the SuperValu. Sandshrew is a Level 65 Blood Mage*, bitches!

*Note: I don’t play WoW. If you fuckin’ comment with something like “Psh, N00b, a blood mage isn’t a class!” I will Falcon Punch you in the kidney until you pee fire.

I’ve decided in honor of his World of Warcraft playing ways, I will give him an appropriate name!

I’m kidding. Relax. I’m sure between fighting off Orcs, you’re gang banging the neighbor twins.

So, after kicking the snot out of a field full of trainers, I come across a TM for Seismic Toss. Ah, what the hey, Virgin could use a new move! I doubt I’ll get a fighting type at any point in this game, so he’ll take a fighting move for now. Virgin learns Seismic Toss!

GOM Used Poop Pants

I’ve finally reached Bill’s “Sea” cottage which appears to be absolutely nowhere near any sort of sea. That’s ok, he’s not even home! It’s just a cute pokemon!

…wait what?

It turns out it’s Bill. And he somehow botched an “experiment” and turned himself into THE FLY. I mean, a pokemon. Sure, that seems plausible. Don’t go into details or anything. He wants me to help him out.

Hey wait, wasn’t Turd just here?! Don’t tell me he just left Bill like this?! What a…well.. Turd!

Ah, what the hell, I’ll help ol’ creepy hermit Bill out! We’ll head over to his… cell… separator?

That Sounds Painful…

Cell separator? That sounds horrifying. When did this turn into the third Saw game?

Bill gives me a ticket to a boat. Really? I pretty much saved your life and you give me a friggin’ boat ticket? Alright, fine. Thanks, I guess? Weirdo… Have fun making glow-in-the-dark Meowths or whatever the hell it is you do all alone in your hermit cave in the middle of nowhere. Freak.

You know, I’m starting to feel bad for Virgin. I think we’re going to get him laid! We need to find a “sure thing”. Oh, what do you know, I found one!

Misty Wants To DANCE!

Stop smelling your armpit for a second and have sex with this Sandshrew! I’m sure it won’t take long. Let’s just say I’m sure he’s a master of the “Quick Attack” if you know what I’m saying.

No? You’d rather Pokemon battle? Ugh, fine. But if I win, you sleep with Sandshrew! I just hope he doesn’t catch a raging case of Krabbys from you.

Misty is done for! Atkins has been depressed lately, something about me always calling him Pikachew. He’s decided he’s going to become bulemic. And he’s taking his anger out on Misty! Heh, way to go PUKEachu!

Why are you crying? What, did I say something insensitive?

Anyway, that’s it for today’s adventure. With two badges in hand, I’m off to the next town. I think I’ll have to catch another friend along the way as well. You can never have enough friends. No, seriously, you don’t have to settle for the two you have. Honestly. Go outside and do something with your life, loser!

<Chapter ThreeTable Of ContentsChapter Five>

Chapter 3 – Goin’ Zubatshit Crazy In Mt. Moon

(Warning: I make a couple of pop-culture jokes most of you are probably not going to find funny or perhaps even understand. They are pretty much just for my own entertainment. I did make a penis joke or two. So chuckle like a Shuckle, my Poke-Pals!)

Mt. Moon. A majestic mountain that seems to be… hollow? I mean, how else can you explain why it’s so insanely open in here? I mean, really, shouldn’t a cave be more… cave like? I suppose if Brock comes and trains here, he’d need all this extra room for his rippling biceps!

Great, I thought the drugs he gave me wore off. Stupid child molesting weirdo. Put a shirt on already, will ya! It’s almost winter, you wouldn’t want your nipples to use “Harden”!

I don’t like Mt. Moon. It’s incredibly uninteresting. Maybe if we had one of those fascinating cave tour guides (Read: Annoying Useless Fact Machines) to show us around before we begin our adventure.

Tour Guide: Mt. Moon is also known for it’s rich mineral deposits and… yes, GOM?

GOM: …dude, the FUCK is with all the Zubats?! They’re friggin’ EVERYWHERE! Consider I’ve leveled up in here for hours at a time, I’d have to say there has to be at LEAST a million of them or so. They just keep coming!

Tour Guide: Oh, well, there is an interesting historical story about that. You see, back in 1947 the Zubat population was very low. So, we gave them some of the same furtility drugs we gave Kate Gosslin.

GOM: So in other words you’re saying I’m lucky it’s just Zubats and not Gosslin’s kids running around in here?

Tour Guide: Exactly. All they can do is be exploited for the financial gain of their owner. Oh wait, that’s no different than Pokemon, is it…

I have no idea. That joke is about five years too late. I apologize. It’s still funny. Stupid bitch.

I Knew That Pokemart Was A Front!

Before I can get too far, I come across Team Rocket. Just sorta… chilling in random spots in the cave. Doin’ evil things like, um, thinking dirty thoughts about your mom and not paying taxes. Gangsta shit! At least he’s not part of that creepy shorts cult…

Oh cool! The first Team Rocket Grunt I fight has a Zubat! Never seen one of those before! Except for EVERY FRIGGIN’ BATTLE I’VE GOTTEN INTO SINCE I ENTERED THIS STUPID CAVE! Oh well, that just gives me one more reason to kick this guy’s ass. The first reason being that ridiculous hat he’s wearing. What are you, a French impressionist painter?  Lose the beret, it’s not very gangsta like.

Lying on the ground of the cave, I happen upon a Rare Candy. Something tells me it fell out of Brock’s van last time he was trolling the cave for underage tail. I’m going to keep it, because there is NO WAY that it has razor blades or cyanide in it. In fact, I’m almost 90% sure of it! Hey, Atkins, put that candy down you tubby bastard, you already ate a trainer on the way here, wasn’t that enough. I’m saving that candy for later. I’ll find some pokemon I don’t like much to test it out. If it dies, I’ll know to not eat anything I find on the floor of a cave ever again.

I also found TM12, which teaches Water Gun. Which my water type will learn pretty soon on his own anyway. Helpful.

I come across a Lass who says something about it being so big. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I was hangin’ with my pokemons! I’m sure it wasn’t anything about my penis and how badly she wanted to mount me like a Ponyta right here on the cave floor. Of course, after beating her, my StiffyEars evolved! I now have:

Dat Horn!

————

Nidorino

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“An aggressive Pokemon that is quick to attack. The horn on it’s head secretes a powerful venom.”

————

That’s great, now I have an over-eater and a rageaholic in my party. What is this, a freakin’ therapy session? Is there a “Wrist-Cutting” Pokemon? How about a “Daddy Touched My No-No Place and Now I Hate Men” Pokemon?

Team Rocket Grunt: “We’re pulling a big job here! Get lost, kid!”

I do not doubt that… Grunt. I mean, any people that wear matching jump suits have to mean serious business. Just like these guys!

TEAM NAZI BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

Next up, I find a young boy who asks me if I came to explore too. No, little boy, I’m not Brock. I’m not here to “explore”.

Hey, can someone tell me why all the Geodude’s have a pompadour that makes them look lile John Travolta in Grease?

Ye…ah. Next Up: An Onix With A Mullet

John Travolta: The Original Geodude

And it seems to be telling me to take a hike or something… or it’s hitchhiking. Something involving a hike. Oh look, a hiker. And he’s fat. Another question: Why are all the hiker’s in the poke-verse so fat? Wouldn’t you think with all the hiking they supoosedly do, they’d be nice and fit? Maybe it’s because they stand around waiting to have animal fights with small children in caves which appear to have no actually way of being lit… HOW CAN I SEE IN HERE?!

Moving on, Looks like there are plenty more Team Rocket Grunts (really, couldn’t give them names? Why not just call them Storm Troopers) down here. One of them tells me that “Little kids should leave grown-ups alone!” I agree, Pokemon Gangster. Annoying little shits.

The last Team Rocket member I come across informs me of their plan. They’re going to find the fossils, revive them, and sell them for cash! And what are you going to do with that cash? Invest it in Real Estate? I mean, there are like… six houses. I’m sure the market has NO value. Perhaps if you put them into a 401k, the interest would… what was I talking about again?

Or maybe they’ll buy guns, so little kids with spitting turtles and fat electic rodents can’t foil their plans this easily. Honestly, there is at least four of you in here. Why don’t you all just get together and punch me in the face or something. That’s all it would take. I’ll leave, seriously. I’m a major pussy. Why do you think I’m a friggin’ pokemon trainer?! To be fair, I’ll pretend I saw nothing if you just give me one of those super rare Zubats you guys have! Those things are near-impossible to find! I’ll turn and walk away, pretending none of this ever happened. I have no morals! I’m easily bought!

HEY, LISTEN… er… HEY, STOP!

Not ten seconds later, I’m stopped by the most pushy nerd on the planet.

He found these fossils, and they’re both his! Um, fine, take them. I have zero interest in fossils, seriously. I can’t think of anything that’s more boring. Except maybe pokemon battling the same pokemon over and over and over and over and over and Zubat and Zubat and Zubat and Cle…JUST KIDDING ZUBAT.

WEEEEEEEEEE! BP Spilled A Ton Of Grimmers Into The Ocean!

Well, the nerd wants to fight me. Fine, you know what, I’m going to kick your ass, THEN I’m going to take your fossils. And I’m going to feed them to Pikachew over here. OM NOM NOM FOSSILS. How do you like that?!

Nice Forehead Tattoo

After breezing through Grimer-On-A-Roller-Coaster and Voltorb, I come across… AN ENORMOUS FOREHEAD OF DOOM! I mean… Koffing.

Seriously, look at the size of it’s forehead! I mean… IT’S HUGE!

Now that I’ve smacked some sense into this nerd, he’s going to “share” one of his fossils. Oh really, how ’bout I just take both of them and leave you here to be picked up by Brock? You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.

Helix Fossil. Dome Fossil. That is the question! And the answer is…

DOME FOSSIL. Because “Dome” makes me chuckle. Penis joke, I choose you!

Finally, daylight! We’ve escaped the cave. And after a short walk, I’ve made it to my next destination: Cerulean City!

Sorry about the bore-fest that was Mt. Moon. Cerulean City is bound to be a ton of fun! And believe me, if you thought I was takin’ shots at Brock, wait until you hear what I have to say about Misty!

Those shorts with those shoes, girl YOU CRAZY!

< Chapter TwoTable Of ContentsChapter Four >

Chapter 2 – Between A Brock And A Hard Place

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I’m about to head into the beautiful Viridian Forest.  Tranquil, quiet, not a lot of people around. An excellent place to hide a body. Murdering Turd is sounding more and more like a good idea every day. “Smell you later” Turd… WHEN YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ CORPSE! This is going to be revenge for all those times when we were kids and you pinned me down and farted on my head. Because murder is always the solution to conflict!

…anyway. Viridian Forest is filled with boring bug catchers. Which means it’s time for me to fight a crap load of Weedles, Caterpies, Metapods, and Kakunas. That also means there is PLENTY of time for me to chuckle every time one of them uses “Harden”. I will not catch one and name it “Penis”. It’s just not happening. That’s SO 1996.

I will, however, catch the one pokemon that’s the most annoying to catch here. The one that makes me have to go through an hour of bugs to find. That’s right, I’m going to catch the one pokeman you just haven’t seen enough of!

————

Pikachu

The Mouse Pokemon

“When several of these Pokemon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms.”

————

A SHOCKING Choice, I Know. That’s The Kind Of Grade-A Puns You Can Expect From This Adventure…

So every time an event of yours is ruined by lightning storms, blame that little bitch of a rodent! It’s time for Punt-A-Pikachu day. Little electric bastard.

Being that this is the original Pokemon, I don’t only get to catch a Pikachu. I get to catch FAT PIKACHU! Back in the day, Pikachu had an eating disorder and/or a pituitary problem. So, considering Pikachu’s incredible girth (I got to use the word GIRTH! That almost never happens), I have decided to give him an appropriate name:

HINT! HINT!

So, little Atkins has joined my team. After some quick leveling up at the expense of a ton of random bugs that have been electrocuted to death, it’s time to explore what is bound to be an incredibly exciting forest.

Or it’ll be completely boring. Whichever. Anyway, I suppose I should collect all of these random objects that are lying on the ground! Keeping things you find on the ground is always a good idea. It’s not like anyone dropped them or anything. Seriously, does someone have a hole in their pocket?! There’s shit everywhere! I think it’s time to invest in a few fuckin’ garbage cans! If you kill off the environment, there won’t be any pokemon around for us to exploit anymore! Al Gore would be ashamed of you!

Yeah, Viridian Forest is pretty boring. But once we get through that, we make it to Pewter City. Home of a MUSEUM! Because that’s exactly what kids want in their video games: Museums. In the next Pokemon game, you should have to spend a few hours going shopping with your mom and holding her purse. That’d be AWESOME! Or maybe adhere to the adult market and make us have to do a tax return every in-game year! Is money spent on Pokeballs tax-deductible?

Your Mom Is A Museum Display! LULZ

Of course, I’ll shell out the 50 friggin’… um… money…units (the fuck is the money in this game called, anyway?) and go into the museum. Which has roughly five things on display. One of which is this beauty:

Great, pretty sure that’s going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Knowledge can kiss my ass! Upstairs, I have a lovely conversation with a gentleman.

Really Old Fart: “July 20, 1969! The 1st lunar landing! I bought a color tv to watch it!”

Sorry, old-timer, but that was FAKE. I’m kidding, I’m not going to get into insane conspiracy theory right now. That’d be really nerdy. Instead, BACK TO POKEMON!

Besides, doesn’t that imply this takes place in OUR world? I’m starting to realize that after he faked the moon landing, JFK put an end to the CUBONE Missile Crisis! HAH! See what I did there. Instead of Cuban, I said CUBONE. Cubone is a pokemon. I’m playing Pokemon. I over-explained that one a little. But fuck you, it was funny.

Do I WANT To Know?!

Alright, screw the museum. Time to head out and explore the town. I come across a man standing in the middle of a field who asks me a rather creepy question.

I’m not sure I want to know. My guess is he is disposing of a body. Idiot, didn’t I just say that Viridian Forest is the best place for that?! Doesn’t anyone ever listen to me. Apparently, what he CLAIMS to be doing is spreading Repel on his garden so wild Pokemon don’t bother it. Well, can you please explain to me why your garden (which consists of about 32 or so really small flowers) is doing in the middle of a freakin’ town?! Yes, we get it, pretty flowers, don’t care.

Trying to exit the town, I’m stopped by someone who’s life seems to consist of sitting at the exit to town and kidnapping children. He is just gathering us all up and making us go into Brock’s house nearby. This spells trouble.

After making short work of Brock’s ONE trainer thanks to Wetback and his ability to spit on other pokemon and make them too offended to fight back, I reach the Brock man himself. And proceed to easily make him my bitch.

It’s Too Late! I’m Leaving! You Never Appreciate Me…

Can someone please explain to me why Brock is locked up in this darkly lit room, with no shirt on, fighting kids that he had pushed in here by his lacky outside? That makes me a bit worried. His gym might as well be inside the back of a rusted out van at this point.

Of course, what’s more unsettling is what he says afterwards:

This is turning into a cheesy romance novel really quick…

After calling in a few Amber Alerts and telling them I may have an idea where their missing children have been, I exit the gym only to hear the most ridiculous story from a girl outside:

Girl Who’s Guillable And Stupid: “It’s rumored Clefairy’s came from the moon”

Unfortunately, most of them burned up in the atmosphere. Smoldering blobs of Clefairy everywhere… It was horrible. And the smell! Dear God! We disposed of all the bodies in Viridian Forest. No one even noticed. Told ya so.

This town is really starting to give me the creeps, I think it’s time me and Wetback get the SHELL out of here! Get it, SHELL, ’cause he’s a turtle… oh, shut up, they can’t all be winners. Of course, I have to battle my way through a bunch of idiots that have decided to gather on the way out of town. I’d like to think they’re the kidnapped children I freed from Brock’s place a few moments before. Pokemon battles all around!

Maybe not, because it appears they’re just as big of weirdos as the people in Pewter City. First dude I face off against, throws out this gem:

Creepy Kid 1: “I love shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”

Well, I’ve never met someone so enthusiastic about pants before. This kid’s devotion to pantaloons is in sharp contrast to Brock’s lack of a devotion to shirts.

But, I can’t say that the kid doesn’t have a point. Regular long pants are a huge pain in the ass to wear. Especially if the ass part of those pants is too tight. Major pain in the ass, indeed. I’m starting to fear people in the Pokemon world all have weird fetishes. Do they make shorts porn?

Here’s a question that’s come up as I battle through the legions of freaks. Why do bitches in this game keep calling me mean?! Seriously, you say their skirt makes them look fat and you’re MEAN?! Here I thought honesty was the best policy.

Oh Yeah?! Well You Have Lopsided Boobs!

Oh, Baby, I’ll Be REAAAAAAL Nice…

————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

My feelings have officially been hurt. But come on, they’re totally asking for it! Just look at what they’re wearing! But being called mean doesn’t really sting as much as what the other lass said to me after we were finished: “That’s It?!”

You have no idea how many women have said that to me before…

Brillant Deduction, Sherlock!

Before I can get out of this emotional rollercoaster of an area, I meet this guy.

Honestly, is there some kind of creepy shorts-wearing cult around here that I’m not aware of? ‘Cause I’d totally join! I bet those bitches that called me mean are virgins that we can sacrifice to the shorts God!

It looks like I’ve finally made it to Mt. Moon’s entrance. A quick stop at the Poke Center, and I stumble upon a private business man!

Seems Legit…

He wants to sell me a Magikarp for ONLY 500… um… Money… things. There is NO WAY this is a scam! But I’m no sucker, so I’ll have to pass.

And now that we’re done in the Pokemon center, it’s time for Mt. Moon! That’s right, next time we’ll be going for a lovely nature hike through one of Kanto’s most lovely natural wonders. Hopefully, we’ll be able to see one of those really, super-rare Zubats I’m always hearing about. Though it may take SECONDS of searching to find one…

Shorts God?

< Chapter OneTable Of ContentsChapter Three >

Chapter 1 – Dick Jokes And The Nutty “Prof”

WTF Is A PROF?

And so it begins. The great adventures of the GodOfMoogles (hereby known as “GOM”) in the world of Pokemon. We start things off with the introductions. The great Professor Oak (Read:”Prof” because “Professor” would have apparently killed the writers.) explains to us his fetish career and then informs us that we have to name his grandson. And because I’m roughly 6 years old, I will be naming him “Turd”. Because I can, that’s why!

Too Bad I Don’t Have The Option To Just Stay Home And Play Donkey Kong Country…

Now, let’s get right into things, shall we.

So, our fearless hero GOM has spent his whole life dreaming about being a pokemon master. It’s time to leave his trusty SNES (which he uses to no doubt behead other people in Mortal Kombat) and venture out to do what is apparently the only option for human beings to do in this world: capture wild animals and make them fight each other for money. Remember, this is a video game. This is very much frowned upon in real life…

Trainer: GO GROWLITHE!

Michael Vick: PIT BULL, I CHOOSE YOU!

Too soon?

I’m a little concerned right from the start. Our house seems to have only two rooms. GOM’s room, which is the same size as the entire downstairs, and the… other room that takes up all of the first floor. No one seems to care where my mother sleeps. I’m guessing she maybe sprawls out across that enormous table. And hey, if she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom… where the fuck is the kitchen?! We also seem to be in a world where it’s perfectly acceptable to put a sign outside our house that says “GOM’s House”. Because screw my mom, that’s why!

Right, so we’re venturing out to meet “Prof” Oak. Let’s take a look around our beautiful home town. Here’s our house. There is our neighbor’s house. And there is an enormous building dedicated to pokemon. And that’s it. Wow, I wonder what the property value is for a place in this small of a community. If you removed one of these buildings, I’d probably be considered a hermit.

I can’t imagine this is a very pleasant place to live, considering there appears to be a few homeless people just wandering aimlessly around our front yard. Let’s see what our vagabond friends have to say.

Girl: I’m raising Pokemon too! When they get strong, they can protect me!

From what? Your horribly mundane life being an NPC in a town of ten?

Fat Guy: Technology is incredible! You can now store and recall items and Pokemon as data via PC!

And yet apparently we’re incapable of building enough houses for all the people in this Arceus forsaken world. Priorities: We has them.

Entering the “Oak Pokemon Research Lab”, we find that they are not actually researching oak pokemon. What a shame. The people inside the lab aren’t any more interesting. Two of them both say the same exact thing, which makes me believe that the good “Prof” has an army of clones working for him.

In the next room, Turd awaits! He informs us that “Gramps” isn’t around. Thanks, Turd, I wouldn’t have been able to figure that out considering I can see the entire town from where I stand. Guess we’re going to have to go find the “Prof” then.

As I attempt to exit town, via the only way anyone CAN exit town, the “Prof” suddenly materializes from the wall of my house, and then proceeds to yell at me. Apparently, it’s unsafe to leave unless we have a pokemon. Seems like they should have taken that into consideration when they decided to build a freakin’ town here!

Inside, the “Prof” shows me and Turd his balls. Yes, that is the first of what will probably be MANY testicle jokes I will be making. Come on, I named my rival “Turd”, do you really think I won’t be making cheap “balls” jokes too?

It would appear the “Prof” is going to give me my own pokemon.

“Prof”: When I was young, I was a serious pokemon trainer. But in my old age, I have only 3 left.

Apparently, the only thing he was serious about was killing his pokemon. I don’t know if we should trust this guy. But alas, we get a free pokemon out of the deal, so we’ll forgive him for now. And which one will I pick? I’ve decided to go with none other than…

Bitch Please!

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SQUIRTLE

The “Tinyturtle” Pokemon

After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth”

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So, it swells and hardens and then shoots foam, aye? I guess we have a penis joke to go with those balls jokes…

Nickname time. I would like you all to meet my starter: Wetback. It’s a nice, Spanish name. I’m also a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Turd has decided he’s going to pick the pokemon my pokemon is weak against. I’d say this was clever on his part, but I’m sure he totally just did it to piss me off. Of course, he isn’t done pissing me off. He wants to battle. Fantastic. I’ve had this turtle for roughly two minutes now and you want me to send it off to die for my causes? Seems a bit impersonal, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge.

Just like that, I’m thrust into our first fight. In the course of the fight, Wetback misses about half of his attacks. But alas, despite that, we’re able to pull out a victory. I can imagine my commands during this fight went something like this:

“Wetback! TACKLE! Wetback… tackle again! WETBACK… TACKLE. Tackle him, Wetback. Try tackling him? GO FOR THE TACKLE! Tackle! Tack… I need a new hobby…”

Turd takes off with his trademark goodbye: “Smell ya later!” Smell you later as well, Turd! Smell you later as well…

I guess it’s safe to venture out now. So I head through Route 1 into the bustling metropolis of Viridian City. Of course, “City” might be a bit of an overstatement. Perhaps “Township” or something is more appropriate. Also: What the fuck is a township?

Anyway, as we head into the item store, I instantly regret wearing my shirt that says “I’m everyone’s bitch. Please make me do your job for you!”, because the item store clerk has told me he wants me to deliver a package to the “Prof”. Why don’t you employ one of the many homeless people to do that for you, it’ll help stimulate the economy. But fine, if you’d like, I can have Wetback do it for us. He LOVES taking people’s jobs! (Oh yeah, racist jokes! What’s a pokemon blog without it. Wait until I catch a Jynx!)

I’ve delivered the package to the “Prof”, and I guess it’s a “custom pokeball” he ordered. I’m not sure what that means, but it can’t possibly be anything good. Please note that Charmander is going to be sitting on the table for the remainder of this adventure. That’s actually kind of depressing. Shortly after delivering the package, Turd shows up. Because Turd has nothing better to do.

The “Prof” wants us to have our very own iPhone! Of course, the only App it has downloaded is “Pokedex”. What a load of crap. I wanted to play Angry Birds while I continue to tell Wetback to tackle a bunch of birds and rats outside of town. What a jip! Anyway, Turd informs me that he’s going to borrow a map from his sister, and tell her not to lend me one. That’s fine, I don’t want your sister’s map anyway! It probably has herpes! LIKE YOUR MOM! OH WHAT NOW!

Turd: My mom is dead, you dick! That’s why I live alone with my sister and this creepy old man!

Me: Why does that always happen!

Lucky for us, Turd’s sister gives us a map anyway. How nice of her. I almost feel bad for all the times I sat up at night masturbating feverishly to thoughts of her. Almost.

It’s time to start catching pokemon! After purchasing a couple of pokeballs from the PokeMart in Viridian, I’m out to the tall grass to catch a partner for Wetback! Nearby, I decide to catch a cute lil’ Male Nidoran

The Male Nidoran Is Purple, The Female Is Blue. Pokemon: Abolishing Gender Stereotypes Since 1996

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NIDORAN

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“Stiffens its ears to sense danger. The larger its horns, the more powerful its secreted venom.”

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So, I’ve decided since I gave such an insensitive name to Wetback, that I’d try for a more respectable name for my horny bunny thing. I think he should be given a good strong name! A name he can be proud of! A name like:

StiffyEars

After some quick leveling up, it’s time to go take on the Pokemon League! Unforunately, Turd shows up and let’s us know that we can’t. And then challenges us to a battle. Oh, Turd, it’s on like Donkey Kong with a Bong!

StiffyEars makes short work of Turd’s Pidgey with his HornyAttack. But now it’s time to face Bulbasaur. And StiffyEars makes quick work of him too. Well, that was certainly underwealming.

I guess we’re done with Viridian City now. It’s time to head North, through the Viridian Forest!

But alas: that’s for another day! That’s all for today’s leg of GOM’s Pokemon Blue Adventure! Join us next time as we head through Viridian Forest and face off against Brock. A man with a huge, hard snake! Oh yeah, the penis jokes will continue!

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