Chapter 8 – Dead Ends, Genetic Mutations, And Erections

Rockets? Did The USSR Attack?!

Lavender Town, home of the Pokemon Tower. A graveyard built specifically for dead Pokemon. I’ve noticed an absence of HUMAN graveyards. I guess we just have Charmander use “Cremate” on the people when they die. Upon asking around town, someone offers me an explanation about why there are so many dead pokemon.

The “Rockets”? You mean THESE rockets?!

I Bet It Was Ming Yao! Asians Just Shouldn’t Be That Big…

The Houston Rockets basketball team is killing off pokemon?! Now do you see the importance of NBA lockout! The Rockets are so bored, they’ve moved past simply slapping around their wives and started killing helpless pokemon! This is, of course, an assumption on my part that ALL basketball players must slap around their wives. It may only be some, I’m not sure. Guilty until proven innocent, I always say!

Because You Touch Yourself At Night, That’s Why!

What follows is a trip through the most depressing place on the planet. The Pokemon Tower is filled with people mourning the death of their pokemon. This poor girl lost her Growlithe!

Did you remember to feed it? They like food. Just ask Atkins. Hey! This is a funeral home, stop using Flash you floozie!

I don’t think I’ve made a dick joke lately, so here it is:

*snicker*

I like pokemon too, but not THAT much…

Even worse, upstairs is Turd. Turd is also paying his respects!

Brilliant Deduction!

Well, Hobo is pretty close… No, they are dead, I’ve just been carrying them around and working them like puppets. Just call this “Weekend At Burmy’s!” (That’s the greatest PokePun I’ve ever written. If you don’t get the reference, we’re not friends anymore)

Anyway, Turd decides a funeral home is a good place for a pokemon battle. He’s added some cool stuff to his team, like Gyrados and Growlithe. But hey, didn’t he have a Raticate…

Oh… oh no. I… get it now. Turd, you’re here because your Raticate. I’m… so sorry…

OH HELLLLLL NAW!

Annnnnnd now you can kiss my ass. I’m glad your Raticate is dead, I hope it died a painful, slow death. I have you had to watch as it was eviscerated and turned inside-out. I hope it’s death screechs echo in your nightmares forever. I seriously hope you still find Raticate fur in your backpack a year later and you cry like a little bitch.

…I’m sorry. I went to a dark place there for a second. I don’t like people stealing material from Bugs Bunny. Stinker? Honestly?

I guess me being a “Stinker” explains why he keeps exiting with a “Smell Ya Later”.

Unfortunately, I’m told that I’m not going to be able to identify the ghosts in this tower, unless I can get a Silph Scope. A device which allows you to see the invisible. Which seems utterly pointless in any other situation. Next they’ll make their scope hold MP3. Because everything these days holds MP3.

Alright, guess we’re heading to the next town to net us a Silph Scope! On the way, I’m going to crush the hopes and dreams of a bunch of helpless trainers. Because that’s how I roll. And I think I’ll start with this nerd.

What A Loser…

“School is fun”. No, Game Freak, I will not buy into your subliminal messages and think school is cool. In fact, after I’m done smashing this kid’s pokemon into the ground, I’m going to see if I can give him an atomic wedgie.

Super Nerd TO THE RESCUE!

Oh, look, he’s already bent over waiting for it. “Super Nerd” sounds like the worst superhero ever.

“Stop, evil doers! I am SUPER NERD!”

“What are you going to do to stop us?!”

“Equation of Justice! I’m going to solve for X, and X is YOUR ASS!”

We’ve now made it to the beautiful Celadon City in search of our Silph Scope. Upstairs in a nearby building, I find an Eevee just sitting on a table. So of course I take it. I mean, it’s not like something inside someone else’s building could be anything but a free thing for me to take without asking. Clearly everything in this world is my property, and I can claim it as I see fit.

D’AWWWWWWW!!!!! Head-Exploding Adorable Right There!

————

Eevee

The Evolution Pokemon

“It’s genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element STONEs.”

————

Whoa whoa whoa, these elemental stones I’ve been carrying around with me are RADIOACTIVE?! Why the hell didn’t someone tell me I was basically hauling around colorful plutonium with me?! I’ve had them in my pocket this whole time! No wonder I grew those extra testicles last night! And here I just thought God finally answered my prayers.

I like the idea that if it’s exposed to radiation, it’ll mutate. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anything exposed to radiation will probably do something along those lines. I’m a bit concerned that in this case it’s PROMOTED! Sure, go ahead kids, expose your pets to radiation and they’ll morph into way cooler pets! Shove your kitten in the microwave, it’ll sprout gills and be able to live underwater! It’s cool! Trust me! There is NO WAY that when you turn it up to “High” it’s little kitty eyes will pop out of it’s skull like gooey ping pong balls!

So, I guess we’ve added the sixth member of my team! Seeing as Eevee has just been abandoned and seems to need a new home, I’ve decided to name him Exile. He’s an outcast, and a bad ass one at that. He’s genetically unstable, and radiation gives him super powers. He’s essentially Spiderman, only he gets cooler powers than just wrist-jizz.

Steal Shit, People Will Like You More!

In another room of this building, I meet this guy who tells me all about his pokemon friend Meowth and his cat burglary ways.

And you don’t stop to ask where he gets it? That seems responsible. I don’t know how your Meowth brings home money, all mine seems to do is lick windows and try and jam pencils in electrical sockets. I should really take him to a doctor. Poor, deranged Hobo.

What If I Told You This World Wasn’t Real?

The third floor is home to this. Things are about to get a whole lot more… plotholed.

Uh oh, the fourth wall has been broken down! You mean to tell me I’m in some kind of video game that you guys designed?! This whole world, all it’s events, were scripted before hand?! And you expect me to just take this mind-melting revelation and continue on like my life has meaning?! I now know for a fact that God doesn’t exist and that I’m simply a pawn in a game of fate! I have no reason to live on anymore! VIRGIN, USE CUT ON MY WRISTS!

GOODBYE TENTACRUEL WORLD!

Just kidding!

Upon further exploring, I come across a bizarre sight. A “hotel” for people! So, it’s not ALL about pokemon in this world!

Define “People”?

…WHA?!

But wait a second here…

…there aren’t any ROOMS to be found. It’s just a huge, open lobby. What the hell? At least this huge empty room contains the most amusing three people in the world.

And Now It’s Gotten Weird…

Well, That’s Nice! Family Is Important…

Uh, what? Let’s see what her boyfriend has to say about that…

Why Indeed…

Sorry, bro, guess you thought you were going to get lucky, huh? Brothers are such cock-blockers! Of course, it’s much worse when her brother is oblivious!

COCK BLOCKER!!!

If the boyfriend asks you to “go get ice” (not that there is an ice machine, or even ROOMS in this hotel…) you can be assured he’s going to try and sneak in a quicky while you’re gone.

The people outside aren’t any less pleasant. It appears no matter how far away I travel, I just can’t escape complete lunacy. Oh well, might as well embrace it.

Moan For Me, Baby!

I don’t think you’re supposed to SAY “moan” out loud you weird old man. However, the prospect of gambling does sound like fun! Let’s pull that coin out of Hobo’s head and throw it into the slot machines! Wow, it’s amazing how much blood pressure can build up in a Meowth’s head, when I pulled the coin out this time it shot like thirty feet in the air, it was almost beautiful. You know, if he hadn’t interrupted my admiring of it with all that hissing and screaming. Fine, I’ll put it back. You big baby.

Let’s head to the Rocket Game Corner! Oh, the sign makes it sound exciting:

I Got A Stack Of Dollar Bills All Ready!

Sounds sexy! Will there be strippers?! Hey Virgin, you might be able to put away those The Used albums and quit this emo phase after all! I think we might be able to get you laid finally!

Oh, nevermind. It’s just cheesy slot machines. What a ripoff!

There is a Rocket member “guarding a poster”. That doesn’t sound weird at all! Let’s kick his ass! Apparently, there may or may not be a switch hidden behind this poster. And what do you know…

It’s not like that was made horribly obvious. Like any intelligent person, I press the random switch. Without any idea what it does. It could turn the sprinkler system on for all I know! But it doesn’t, it just opens the path to Team Rocket’s not-so-secret hideout! Exciting! Guess we’ll kick in some heads to show them who the REAL crime boss is in these parts!

…But that’s going to have to wait until next time!

Also: If you didn’t know what I was talking about with the Raticate thing. Maybe this’ll clear things up:

Is Your Mind Blown Yet?

<Chapter SevenTable Of ContentsChapter Nine>

Advertisements