Chapter 5 – Bidoof Sucks And Meowth Bleeds

Did you know it’s illegal to offer your Sandshrew as a sex partner to an underage girl in a swimming pool?

With that said, it doesn’t look like we’ll be going back to Cerulean City anytime soon. Or at least until my restraining order expires…

But for some reason, I can’t find a way out. However, that police officer moved slightly out of the way of the door to that house that got robbed. Might as well go see if they left anything good to steal… er… “Borrow”. Alright, so what’s…

They Broke A Chunk Off The Table…


I’m starting to think that this whole “robbery” thing was a cover up. Does this look like a robbery to you?! OBVIOUSLY not. I mean, OBVIOUSLY this was an OBVIOUS… DUCK MONSTER HOME INVASION! I think he may have done horrible things to the guy in the safari hat standing by the perfectly shaped hole in the wall.

Oh hey, we can ESCAPE through that hole. Awesome. And look, that Team Rocket member is still there. The manhunt continues! At least the cop has moved a few feet. That’s a start. It’s the small steps, people. I guess they stole the safari guy’s Dig TM. And upon kicking the snot out of the worst robber in the history of robbers, he gave me back the stolen goods! Which I proceed to pocket and leave. What? Consider it a finder’s fee…

Heading South out of town, I hear a faint meowing noise. What is… that shiny object… it seems to be embedded in the head of a small cat. Let’s throw a pokeball at it!

And just like that, I’m the proud new owner of a Meowth!

This Rather Perfect Picture Will Make More Sense In A Second…



The Scratchcat Pokemon

“Adores circular objects. Wanders the streets on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change.”


So let me get this straight, Meowth spends all night wandering the streets looking for loose change? Well, I think I have the perfect name for him…

Meoooowth, That’s Right…

Alright homeless kitten with a golden dollar coin embedded in your forehead, let’s head off to Vermilion City. Let me just pull that coin out…

…oh… oh God… so… so much blood…

Let’s just put that back! Come on, Hobo, let’s go! Yes, yes I know little buddy, the way the sun hits all that blood is really shiny and pretty but… stop drooling… HEY GET YOUR PAW OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! OH GOD HE LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE! WHO GAVE THE BRAIN DAMAGED CAT A MATCH!

I didn’t stomp on my Meowth! He… just fell down some stairs.

Good, we’re here. Vermilion City. Home of our third gym leader! Let’s read the sign that tells us all about him!

That’s RACIST!

So, the one “American” character in this game is dressed like a soldier? I’m starting to think that all the Japanese think us Americans are is a bunch of violent, crazy war-mongers! Whatever. Let’s go kick Lt. Surge’s ass and then spread Democracy! Hey wait… Anyway, we’ll just head on into the gym and… what?


So, they seem to have planted a tree over the only possible way to get to the gym. I’d assume that since none of the pokemon that an electric gym leader has can cut trees, that they’ve been stuck in there for a long time. I should maybe call someone for help. I don’t want them to go completely crazy and eat each other out of desperation. MEOWTH PUT DOWN THOSE SCISSORS…

What was I going to do again?

I guess I’ll just go look around town and see what’s going on with the Vermilionians. WHOA, ok… wow, that just didn’t work. Vermilionites? Vermilionaires?

With A Name Like That…

Oh look, this guy is writing a girl a letter! Let’s read it and make fun of him!

He’s writing to Pippi… really, Pippi? Ok… about how horrible Team Rocket is rumored to be in Saffron City. Alright, if this girl’s name is Pippi, she has a lot more to worry about than Team Rocket. Unless it was Team Rocket that named her Pippi. In which case… THOSE EVIL BASTARDS.


I love having conversations with these simple folk. The ones in the Pokemart seem awful chatty.

“There are evil people who will use Pokemon for criminal acts. Team Rocket traffics in rare Pokemon. They also abandon Pokemon that they consider not to be popular or useful.”

That’s right, Bidoof, this is your eviction notice. GTFO of my pokeball, you Bidoofus.

A Seel… In A CLUB… That Joke Writes Itself

What’s this building? Why, it’s The Pokemon Fan Club. A place of true horrors. I do believe that there are evil forces at work here. I mean, how else can you explain why this Seel appears to be sitting on a chair. Seel’s do not belong on a chair. They belong in the ocean. WHY IS YOUR SEEL NOT IN THE OCEAN?!

Of course, talking to it’s owner, I can see it’s sitting on a chair is the least of my worries…

So Would I, Gurl.

I think it’s saying “Bad Touch” in Pokemon. I’d really suggest not squeezing things until they make loud, high pitched noises.

It’s Funny How Much An Owner Can Start Looking Like Their Pokemon…

The guy on the other side of the table has a Pikachu. And… wow. Hey, Atkins, come check this out! This Pikachu is enormous!

Come laugh at the obese Pikachu, Fat Pikachu. Hey? Your breath smells like mouthwash and stomach acid. A bucket? Why would you need a bucket… um… alright, sure you can use the bathroom…

Cool Story, Slowbro

Well, while PUKEachu, er… Atkins, is brushing his tongue, let’s see what the chairman has to say.

Yeah, I didn’t get laid much in High School either. He then seems to go into some kind of bizarre trance when he brings up his favorite pokemon Bidoof.

…Oh God, You’re Not Aroused Are You…

KIDDING! His favorite is Rapidash. Fuckin’ Bidoof my ass… heh, Bidoof… But yes, his trance!

Back…away…slowly… RUN!

What’s this in my pocket? A boat ticket? Oh right! Bill gave it to me right before his skin started to melt off. That cell seperator didn’t exactly work as well as planned. I guess it has some… side effects. It’s ok, I hid the body in the Viridian Forest. No one has noticed yet.

I guess we’ll just head off to the S. S. Anne!

LATER! That’s right! We’re going to set sail in the next chapter! Nothin’ but babes and buffets! It’ll be grand. And not a pokemon battle in sight! Probably…

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