Chapter 8 – Dead Ends, Genetic Mutations, And Erections

Rockets? Did The USSR Attack?!

Lavender Town, home of the Pokemon Tower. A graveyard built specifically for dead Pokemon. I’ve noticed an absence of HUMAN graveyards. I guess we just have Charmander use “Cremate” on the people when they die. Upon asking around town, someone offers me an explanation about why there are so many dead pokemon.

The “Rockets”? You mean THESE rockets?!

I Bet It Was Ming Yao! Asians Just Shouldn’t Be That Big…

The Houston Rockets basketball team is killing off pokemon?! Now do you see the importance of NBA lockout! The Rockets are so bored, they’ve moved past simply slapping around their wives and started killing helpless pokemon! This is, of course, an assumption on my part that ALL basketball players must slap around their wives. It may only be some, I’m not sure. Guilty until proven innocent, I always say!

Because You Touch Yourself At Night, That’s Why!

What follows is a trip through the most depressing place on the planet. The Pokemon Tower is filled with people mourning the death of their pokemon. This poor girl lost her Growlithe!

Did you remember to feed it? They like food. Just ask Atkins. Hey! This is a funeral home, stop using Flash you floozie!

I don’t think I’ve made a dick joke lately, so here it is:


I like pokemon too, but not THAT much…

Even worse, upstairs is Turd. Turd is also paying his respects!

Brilliant Deduction!

Well, Hobo is pretty close… No, they are dead, I’ve just been carrying them around and working them like puppets. Just call this “Weekend At Burmy’s!” (That’s the greatest PokePun I’ve ever written. If you don’t get the reference, we’re not friends anymore)

Anyway, Turd decides a funeral home is a good place for a pokemon battle. He’s added some cool stuff to his team, like Gyrados and Growlithe. But hey, didn’t he have a Raticate…

Oh… oh no. I… get it now. Turd, you’re here because your Raticate. I’m… so sorry…


Annnnnnd now you can kiss my ass. I’m glad your Raticate is dead, I hope it died a painful, slow death. I have you had to watch as it was eviscerated and turned inside-out. I hope it’s death screechs echo in your nightmares forever. I seriously hope you still find Raticate fur in your backpack a year later and you cry like a little bitch.

…I’m sorry. I went to a dark place there for a second. I don’t like people stealing material from Bugs Bunny. Stinker? Honestly?

I guess me being a “Stinker” explains why he keeps exiting with a “Smell Ya Later”.

Unfortunately, I’m told that I’m not going to be able to identify the ghosts in this tower, unless I can get a Silph Scope. A device which allows you to see the invisible. Which seems utterly pointless in any other situation. Next they’ll make their scope hold MP3. Because everything these days holds MP3.

Alright, guess we’re heading to the next town to net us a Silph Scope! On the way, I’m going to crush the hopes and dreams of a bunch of helpless trainers. Because that’s how I roll. And I think I’ll start with this nerd.

What A Loser…

“School is fun”. No, Game Freak, I will not buy into your subliminal messages and think school is cool. In fact, after I’m done smashing this kid’s pokemon into the ground, I’m going to see if I can give him an atomic wedgie.


Oh, look, he’s already bent over waiting for it. “Super Nerd” sounds like the worst superhero ever.

“Stop, evil doers! I am SUPER NERD!”

“What are you going to do to stop us?!”

“Equation of Justice! I’m going to solve for X, and X is YOUR ASS!”

We’ve now made it to the beautiful Celadon City in search of our Silph Scope. Upstairs in a nearby building, I find an Eevee just sitting on a table. So of course I take it. I mean, it’s not like something inside someone else’s building could be anything but a free thing for me to take without asking. Clearly everything in this world is my property, and I can claim it as I see fit.

D’AWWWWWWW!!!!! Head-Exploding Adorable Right There!



The Evolution Pokemon

“It’s genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element STONEs.”


Whoa whoa whoa, these elemental stones I’ve been carrying around with me are RADIOACTIVE?! Why the hell didn’t someone tell me I was basically hauling around colorful plutonium with me?! I’ve had them in my pocket this whole time! No wonder I grew those extra testicles last night! And here I just thought God finally answered my prayers.

I like the idea that if it’s exposed to radiation, it’ll mutate. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anything exposed to radiation will probably do something along those lines. I’m a bit concerned that in this case it’s PROMOTED! Sure, go ahead kids, expose your pets to radiation and they’ll morph into way cooler pets! Shove your kitten in the microwave, it’ll sprout gills and be able to live underwater! It’s cool! Trust me! There is NO WAY that when you turn it up to “High” it’s little kitty eyes will pop out of it’s skull like gooey ping pong balls!

So, I guess we’ve added the sixth member of my team! Seeing as Eevee has just been abandoned and seems to need a new home, I’ve decided to name him Exile. He’s an outcast, and a bad ass one at that. He’s genetically unstable, and radiation gives him super powers. He’s essentially Spiderman, only he gets cooler powers than just wrist-jizz.

Steal Shit, People Will Like You More!

In another room of this building, I meet this guy who tells me all about his pokemon friend Meowth and his cat burglary ways.

And you don’t stop to ask where he gets it? That seems responsible. I don’t know how your Meowth brings home money, all mine seems to do is lick windows and try and jam pencils in electrical sockets. I should really take him to a doctor. Poor, deranged Hobo.

What If I Told You This World Wasn’t Real?

The third floor is home to this. Things are about to get a whole lot more… plotholed.

Uh oh, the fourth wall has been broken down! You mean to tell me I’m in some kind of video game that you guys designed?! This whole world, all it’s events, were scripted before hand?! And you expect me to just take this mind-melting revelation and continue on like my life has meaning?! I now know for a fact that God doesn’t exist and that I’m simply a pawn in a game of fate! I have no reason to live on anymore! VIRGIN, USE CUT ON MY WRISTS!


Just kidding!

Upon further exploring, I come across a bizarre sight. A “hotel” for people! So, it’s not ALL about pokemon in this world!

Define “People”?


But wait a second here…

…there aren’t any ROOMS to be found. It’s just a huge, open lobby. What the hell? At least this huge empty room contains the most amusing three people in the world.

And Now It’s Gotten Weird…

Well, That’s Nice! Family Is Important…

Uh, what? Let’s see what her boyfriend has to say about that…

Why Indeed…

Sorry, bro, guess you thought you were going to get lucky, huh? Brothers are such cock-blockers! Of course, it’s much worse when her brother is oblivious!


If the boyfriend asks you to “go get ice” (not that there is an ice machine, or even ROOMS in this hotel…) you can be assured he’s going to try and sneak in a quicky while you’re gone.

The people outside aren’t any less pleasant. It appears no matter how far away I travel, I just can’t escape complete lunacy. Oh well, might as well embrace it.

Moan For Me, Baby!

I don’t think you’re supposed to SAY “moan” out loud you weird old man. However, the prospect of gambling does sound like fun! Let’s pull that coin out of Hobo’s head and throw it into the slot machines! Wow, it’s amazing how much blood pressure can build up in a Meowth’s head, when I pulled the coin out this time it shot like thirty feet in the air, it was almost beautiful. You know, if he hadn’t interrupted my admiring of it with all that hissing and screaming. Fine, I’ll put it back. You big baby.

Let’s head to the Rocket Game Corner! Oh, the sign makes it sound exciting:

I Got A Stack Of Dollar Bills All Ready!

Sounds sexy! Will there be strippers?! Hey Virgin, you might be able to put away those The Used albums and quit this emo phase after all! I think we might be able to get you laid finally!

Oh, nevermind. It’s just cheesy slot machines. What a ripoff!

There is a Rocket member “guarding a poster”. That doesn’t sound weird at all! Let’s kick his ass! Apparently, there may or may not be a switch hidden behind this poster. And what do you know…

It’s not like that was made horribly obvious. Like any intelligent person, I press the random switch. Without any idea what it does. It could turn the sprinkler system on for all I know! But it doesn’t, it just opens the path to Team Rocket’s not-so-secret hideout! Exciting! Guess we’ll kick in some heads to show them who the REAL crime boss is in these parts!

…But that’s going to have to wait until next time!

Also: If you didn’t know what I was talking about with the Raticate thing. Maybe this’ll clear things up:

Is Your Mind Blown Yet?

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Chapter 7 – Lt. Surge, The Basket Base?

There are certain stories that shouldn’t be told. Such as what I had to do to earn my HM for the move “Cut”. Sea captains are perverted bastards! I know I’m generalizing, but you know what… screw it. ALL sea captains are perverts. There, it’s been said.

Virgin has evolved, by the way! He’s become…

^Could Kick The Crap Out Of A Certain Blue Hedgehog…



ANOTHER Mouse Pokemon

“Curls up into a spiny ball when threatened. It can roll while curled up to attack or escape.”


Little Virgin is growing up! And it would seem he’s reached the brooding stage of being a rejected virgin. Which is followed by…

First, He Learned “Fap”

Learning Cut! And just like that, Virgin has become emo. Who knew not getting laid could make you develop an annoying personality and start wearing girl’s pants.No wait, that’s  common knowledge. My mistake.

He can also write terrible poetry with the word “darkness” in it several times. I think he’s about to get a tumblr account. I have to admit, the guy-liner is kinda funny on a Sandslashwrists though.

At least we can put Virgin’s new found skill to work! Let’s chop down that horribly placed tree and go check out the the next gym! They’ve been trapped in there for quite awhile, I can only imagine the carnage that I’m about to walk into.

So… Many… Trash Cans…

Alright, this is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in this game. What in the name of Mew is going on in this place?! There are trash cans everywhere, perfectly laid out in a pattern. The spacing between each is flawless. This is some Howard Hughes level OCD shit right here. If Lt. Surge has Kleenex (rhymes with Snorlax! Sorta…) boxes on his feet, I’m going to run away faster than… um… someone who runs away from things really fast! My metaphors are wearing a bit thin right now. Which is more than I can say for Atkins…

Apparently, Lt. Surge isn’t just OCD, he’s also insane. He’s locked himself up in his room and hid the switches in the garbage cans. And they’re magic disappearing buttons too. Thus begins the most obnoxious moment in my entire adventure.

Finally, after a bunch of annoying trial and error, the doors into the other room swing open, and I’m off to my third gym battle!

When Did This Become A Matter Of Life Or Death?!

The Lightning American has some rather unsettling words for me before our bout…

Yeah, being 14 years old probably means you’re right about that one. I mean, who sends 14 year olds into battle? This isn’t China, it’s Japan! They save their 14 year olds for prostitution! I’m a little worried that if I lose this battle, Lt. Surge is going to kill me.

He then begins to tell me about how electric pokemon saved him during “the war”. The war? I’d kill to know which war. Desert Storm was probably the closest to this game’s release. The image of Raichu frying Iraqi’s is too much for me to handle. I guess we finally know why this current war lasted so long: no pokemon! But enough talk about these unimportant matters like foreign politics and war. ON WITH THE POKEMON BATTLES!

Lt. Surge For Gap Jeans?

But first: Fan service! Lt. Surge appears to be in a crouched position, sticking his ass at me. A very strange way to “go into battle”, if you ask me. I guess this is what happens when you repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

He also SORTA looks like a very angry Lance Bass. Just an observation…

Anyway, Virgin is completely immune to all of his pokemon’s attacks, which makes for one insanely uneventful battle. Maybe if the Iraqi’s would have just used ground type pokemon, they’d have won that war and oil prices would be much higher in America. It’s a thought.

What follows is one of the most boring parts of my adventure. It involves:

1) Having to run through a super long cave full of what appear to be thumbs with noses. (That’d be a Diglett joke, if you didn’t catch that…)

2) Making Atkin’s move to his next obvious stage. He’s gone from Fat to Bulemic to Drunken Sorority Girl. As is usually the case. Why do I say he’s a drunker sorority girl? Why, I just taught him FLASH! Get it, because… Girl’s Gone Wild and… tits… you know what, fuck you. If you don’t get the jokes, just move on, alright! I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.

3) Back tracking. Evading Cerulean so that I don’t get arrested. The restraining order hasn’t been lifted quite yet…

4) Battling a bunch of annoying trainers. None of which really said anything that I can make funny or worth mentioning. Honestly, this was the most boring route full of trainers I’ve ever seen.

5) Heading through another cave filled with Zubats. What a surprise…

Yes, I just skipped a bunch of stuff. But we’re about to get to the good parts! This is a buffer post between the dull moments and the explosion of awesome that is the rest of this game. Things can only get bigger and more hilarious from here on out! So brace yourselves, Poke-fans, because next time we’re taking things to the next level.

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Chapter 6 – Sharpedo’s On The Love Boat

That’s right! It’s time, ladies and gentleman, for the S.S.Anne trip none of you were waiting for! On with it, I say!


This is exciting, getting to go on a cruise ship without any adult supervision! I’m going to raid the buffet, Sharpedo a bunch of girls (if you don’t know what “sharking” is, you probably don’t get this joke… which is… probably all of you actually, so let me provide a lil’ Urban Dictionary Action: Sharking , me thinks it would be even easier with a bikini!), and probably get in on some hot shuffleboard action! I hope there is a hot tub, I’m about to get WILD up in this bitch! What? GAH! Hobo stop trying to eat your hand! Stupid brain damaged Meowth. This is the kind of stuff I need a vacation from!

Alright, time to head to the ship

That’s One Tiny Ship…

Upon entering the ship, I’m immediately laid. Not that kind of laid! Sorry, Virgin, you do look adorable with those flowers on though. That doesn’t actually happen, but in my mind I was laid. Laid like a boss. Instead, I’m warned about the passengers.

This Spells Trouble! Actually, T-R-O-U-B-L-E Spells Trouble…

Apparently, they may challenge me to pokemon battles. Seriously, you’re on a cruise ship and you’re just going to sit around and have pokemon battles?! You all might as well just toss yourself overboard and die amongst the Corphish, for you’re all dead inside anyway…

It’s time to go to my cabin and sit and wait for the fun to begin.


But first let’s get creeped on by a “French” waiter!

Le Stereotype!

Apparently, if you just say “Le” a lot, you’re French. But, I doubt he’s faking it, because who the hell is going to pretend to be FRENCH?! (I’m kidding. I’m sure the French are lovely people who are in no way deserving of their stereotypes)

Of course, all thoughts of that go away by the time he ends what he’s saying…


…Am… Am I being hit on by a gay French waiter on a cruise ship? Again?! Why does this always happen?! Maybe I should make the most of it and see if I can get him to serve me alcohol… And take this Meowth off my hands. It’s licking all the door handles… STOP THAT. STOP IT. HEY! Yes, you… GAH!

Right, back to looting and walking in on people changing and sleeping and stuff. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS! Right, my mom is at home and my dad… um… left to live with his other family? I guess it’s not really clear…


“Global Police”. So… you’re American? American’s are the only one’s dumb enough to call themselves “Global Police”. And what the hell are you doing on a cruise ship?! Shouldn’t you be in the six or so areas in this region that are freakin’ crawling with Team Rocket members?! Why are you looking for them in the comfort of your cabin? Are you thinking that Team Rocket sneaks into people’s rooms and steals things? Because if any stealing happens on this ship… it’s TOTALLY Team Rocket and in absolutely no way is it me. I mean, sure I walked into YOUR room and screamed out “Where’s the stuff to steal!” but that’s just… a… um… it’s a greeting in my culture! And if you don’t believe me. You’re racist! RACIST GLOBAL POLICE! FUCK THE POLICE! FIGHT THE POWER!

And scene end. Let’s get out of here before he suspects something.

In the next room, I fight a girl who “travelled around the world!” to collect her Pokemon. Which happen to be a low-leveled Pidgey and a Nidoran. Which pretty much tells me there isn’t much point going all around the world, since I can catch those practically right outside the front door of my house. You got screwed, you stupid girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to…


Bwah ha ha!

Oh crap, she has mace! RUN! RUN! Atkins Ru… oh, you know what, why don’t you just walk. Wouldn’t want you to go into cardiac arrest on the ship.

SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE… No, I’m Not Going To Sing That Terrible Song…

Alright, you’re ALONE in this cabin, lady. How about a SLICE of cherry pie? Why the whole pie?! I’m worried about you. No Sharpedo’ing for you, because I feel bad. Also, I’m not a waiter. See how I’m dressed not at all like a waiter? Besides, last time I tried to carry a pie around Atkins, he ate the whole thing. Including the tin! His Pikapoo was shiny though, which was neat.

How Dare I?! How Dare YOU, Sir!

Pup? A kid version of a dog?! You’re calling me a dog! Hey, I know I’m not the most attractive kid out there, but my mom says I’m the most beautiful, wonderful boy in the whole wide world! SHE LOVES ME SO I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL! Great, now I’m crying. I hope you get food poisoning you jerk. Wait, we’re on a cruise ship, maybe I shouldn’t curse you with something that’s practically a guarentee anyway…

After I defeat him in a pokemon battle, he changes his tune a bit.

The Old Man And The Sea, I Guess

Are you going to kill yourself or something? Because I’m totally ok with that… call me a pup. Bitch.

In the next cabin, is a guy who claims that his pokemon are his only friends. Remember what I said about them all being dead inside?

This Really Is The Love Boat!

Uh oh. This is bad. A sailor, alone in a cabin, thinking I’m some kind of cabana boy. And why is he talking like he’s had other boys before?! I guess I’ll pokemon battle him! That’s how I deal with ALL the people who try to touch me in bad places.

Well, I found the kitchen and dining area. Atkins seems to have calmed down again. Ever since he went back to his over-eating ways, he gets so restless when he’s not around food. He’s like a junkie! The other day, I actually caught him trying to sell my stuff for Twinkie money! I swear, if he starts turning Pikatricks, I’m going to have to get him into rehab…


The Tears Are From The Onions. Not Because I Made Fun Of His Hat.

Why are there two people dedicated to just this? Everywhere else in this messed up world everyone appears to be homeless and unemployed, yet this cruise ship has jobs for everyone? Hmm, this guy DOES seem a bit… Mexican-y. Nothing wrong with that! I’m… simply pointing it out, that’s all.

To Each Their Own?

Let’s investigate! HEY! Onion boy threw away a perfectly good Great Ball. NO! BAD! NO ES BUENO! You do not throw away Great Balls. Great Balls are awesome. Great balls are… OH GOD! Have I been saying “GREAT BALLS!” all this time! HAHAHAHAHA oh shit… that’s great… BALLS! Bwah ha ha! What? Don’t look at me like that, you laughed a bit too the first time you read “Great Balls”. Don’t judge me!

Somali Pirate?

Say what? He isn’t a Highlander, is he? Because there can be only one, you know. And I’ll behead him in an instant… wait, I’ve said too much.


Now they’re asking me to dance with them? These sailors are all kinds of creepy. Not as creepy as this Ponyta I come across later!

WTF Ponyta?!

I think it may have a tumor on it’s face, I’m not sure. We may need to take him out back and eh… well… make him into some glue.

That’s Much Better!

I can’t take any more of these weirdos and freaks! Oh, good, Turd is here! Fantastic! For once, he’s actually the least annoying person in the area. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to take great pleasure in slapping him around like… something that gets slapped around a lot! Turd informs me that it’d be a good idea to visit the captain.

And visit the captain I shall!

I Wasn’t Going To Throw Up, But Then I Saw You Do It…

WHOA! Son of a… that’s disgusting! It looks like vegetable medley! How in the hell does a sea captain get SEASICK?! Why didn’t you pick almost ANY other profession?! You had to pick one of the few that involves the SEA?!


This Is Getting Weird…er. Weirder.


Right, of course… heh… his back. Yeah… WAIT THAT’S STILL REALLY WEIRD! He gives me an HM for Cut so I don’t tell anyone about the erection he got while I was rubbing his back. Seems fair. I decide I’m going to go put my new Cut HM back in the item box when…


…and the ship leaves without me. What are the odds it’s going to take off twelve seconds after I exit it?! That’s fantastic. Guess I’ll have to go on with my Pokemon journey instead. What a drag!

So yes, I will continue! But not today! That’s all for today’s adventure, folks. I hope you enjoyed my tails of the high seas. Pirates and booty and… well, ok, there weren’t any pirates… and only one booty (TOTALLY Sharpedo’d her!), so it wasn’t all that thrilling. But you enjoyed it anyway, right?

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Chapter 5 – Bidoof Sucks And Meowth Bleeds

Did you know it’s illegal to offer your Sandshrew as a sex partner to an underage girl in a swimming pool?

With that said, it doesn’t look like we’ll be going back to Cerulean City anytime soon. Or at least until my restraining order expires…

But for some reason, I can’t find a way out. However, that police officer moved slightly out of the way of the door to that house that got robbed. Might as well go see if they left anything good to steal… er… “Borrow”. Alright, so what’s…

They Broke A Chunk Off The Table…


I’m starting to think that this whole “robbery” thing was a cover up. Does this look like a robbery to you?! OBVIOUSLY not. I mean, OBVIOUSLY this was an OBVIOUS… DUCK MONSTER HOME INVASION! I think he may have done horrible things to the guy in the safari hat standing by the perfectly shaped hole in the wall.

Oh hey, we can ESCAPE through that hole. Awesome. And look, that Team Rocket member is still there. The manhunt continues! At least the cop has moved a few feet. That’s a start. It’s the small steps, people. I guess they stole the safari guy’s Dig TM. And upon kicking the snot out of the worst robber in the history of robbers, he gave me back the stolen goods! Which I proceed to pocket and leave. What? Consider it a finder’s fee…

Heading South out of town, I hear a faint meowing noise. What is… that shiny object… it seems to be embedded in the head of a small cat. Let’s throw a pokeball at it!

And just like that, I’m the proud new owner of a Meowth!

This Rather Perfect Picture Will Make More Sense In A Second…



The Scratchcat Pokemon

“Adores circular objects. Wanders the streets on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change.”


So let me get this straight, Meowth spends all night wandering the streets looking for loose change? Well, I think I have the perfect name for him…

Meoooowth, That’s Right…

Alright homeless kitten with a golden dollar coin embedded in your forehead, let’s head off to Vermilion City. Let me just pull that coin out…

…oh… oh God… so… so much blood…

Let’s just put that back! Come on, Hobo, let’s go! Yes, yes I know little buddy, the way the sun hits all that blood is really shiny and pretty but… stop drooling… HEY GET YOUR PAW OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! OH GOD HE LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE! WHO GAVE THE BRAIN DAMAGED CAT A MATCH!

I didn’t stomp on my Meowth! He… just fell down some stairs.

Good, we’re here. Vermilion City. Home of our third gym leader! Let’s read the sign that tells us all about him!

That’s RACIST!

So, the one “American” character in this game is dressed like a soldier? I’m starting to think that all the Japanese think us Americans are is a bunch of violent, crazy war-mongers! Whatever. Let’s go kick Lt. Surge’s ass and then spread Democracy! Hey wait… Anyway, we’ll just head on into the gym and… what?


So, they seem to have planted a tree over the only possible way to get to the gym. I’d assume that since none of the pokemon that an electric gym leader has can cut trees, that they’ve been stuck in there for a long time. I should maybe call someone for help. I don’t want them to go completely crazy and eat each other out of desperation. MEOWTH PUT DOWN THOSE SCISSORS…

What was I going to do again?

I guess I’ll just go look around town and see what’s going on with the Vermilionians. WHOA, ok… wow, that just didn’t work. Vermilionites? Vermilionaires?

With A Name Like That…

Oh look, this guy is writing a girl a letter! Let’s read it and make fun of him!

He’s writing to Pippi… really, Pippi? Ok… about how horrible Team Rocket is rumored to be in Saffron City. Alright, if this girl’s name is Pippi, she has a lot more to worry about than Team Rocket. Unless it was Team Rocket that named her Pippi. In which case… THOSE EVIL BASTARDS.


I love having conversations with these simple folk. The ones in the Pokemart seem awful chatty.

“There are evil people who will use Pokemon for criminal acts. Team Rocket traffics in rare Pokemon. They also abandon Pokemon that they consider not to be popular or useful.”

That’s right, Bidoof, this is your eviction notice. GTFO of my pokeball, you Bidoofus.

A Seel… In A CLUB… That Joke Writes Itself

What’s this building? Why, it’s The Pokemon Fan Club. A place of true horrors. I do believe that there are evil forces at work here. I mean, how else can you explain why this Seel appears to be sitting on a chair. Seel’s do not belong on a chair. They belong in the ocean. WHY IS YOUR SEEL NOT IN THE OCEAN?!

Of course, talking to it’s owner, I can see it’s sitting on a chair is the least of my worries…

So Would I, Gurl.

I think it’s saying “Bad Touch” in Pokemon. I’d really suggest not squeezing things until they make loud, high pitched noises.

It’s Funny How Much An Owner Can Start Looking Like Their Pokemon…

The guy on the other side of the table has a Pikachu. And… wow. Hey, Atkins, come check this out! This Pikachu is enormous!

Come laugh at the obese Pikachu, Fat Pikachu. Hey? Your breath smells like mouthwash and stomach acid. A bucket? Why would you need a bucket… um… alright, sure you can use the bathroom…

Cool Story, Slowbro

Well, while PUKEachu, er… Atkins, is brushing his tongue, let’s see what the chairman has to say.

Yeah, I didn’t get laid much in High School either. He then seems to go into some kind of bizarre trance when he brings up his favorite pokemon Bidoof.

…Oh God, You’re Not Aroused Are You…

KIDDING! His favorite is Rapidash. Fuckin’ Bidoof my ass… heh, Bidoof… But yes, his trance!

Back…away…slowly… RUN!

What’s this in my pocket? A boat ticket? Oh right! Bill gave it to me right before his skin started to melt off. That cell seperator didn’t exactly work as well as planned. I guess it has some… side effects. It’s ok, I hid the body in the Viridian Forest. No one has noticed yet.

I guess we’ll just head off to the S. S. Anne!

LATER! That’s right! We’re going to set sail in the next chapter! Nothin’ but babes and buffets! It’ll be grand. And not a pokemon battle in sight! Probably…

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Chapter 3 – Goin’ Zubatshit Crazy In Mt. Moon

(Warning: I make a couple of pop-culture jokes most of you are probably not going to find funny or perhaps even understand. They are pretty much just for my own entertainment. I did make a penis joke or two. So chuckle like a Shuckle, my Poke-Pals!)

Mt. Moon. A majestic mountain that seems to be… hollow? I mean, how else can you explain why it’s so insanely open in here? I mean, really, shouldn’t a cave be more… cave like? I suppose if Brock comes and trains here, he’d need all this extra room for his rippling biceps!

Great, I thought the drugs he gave me wore off. Stupid child molesting weirdo. Put a shirt on already, will ya! It’s almost winter, you wouldn’t want your nipples to use “Harden”!

I don’t like Mt. Moon. It’s incredibly uninteresting. Maybe if we had one of those fascinating cave tour guides (Read: Annoying Useless Fact Machines) to show us around before we begin our adventure.

Tour Guide: Mt. Moon is also known for it’s rich mineral deposits and… yes, GOM?

GOM: …dude, the FUCK is with all the Zubats?! They’re friggin’ EVERYWHERE! Consider I’ve leveled up in here for hours at a time, I’d have to say there has to be at LEAST a million of them or so. They just keep coming!

Tour Guide: Oh, well, there is an interesting historical story about that. You see, back in 1947 the Zubat population was very low. So, we gave them some of the same furtility drugs we gave Kate Gosslin.

GOM: So in other words you’re saying I’m lucky it’s just Zubats and not Gosslin’s kids running around in here?

Tour Guide: Exactly. All they can do is be exploited for the financial gain of their owner. Oh wait, that’s no different than Pokemon, is it…

I have no idea. That joke is about five years too late. I apologize. It’s still funny. Stupid bitch.

I Knew That Pokemart Was A Front!

Before I can get too far, I come across Team Rocket. Just sorta… chilling in random spots in the cave. Doin’ evil things like, um, thinking dirty thoughts about your mom and not paying taxes. Gangsta shit! At least he’s not part of that creepy shorts cult…

Oh cool! The first Team Rocket Grunt I fight has a Zubat! Never seen one of those before! Except for EVERY FRIGGIN’ BATTLE I’VE GOTTEN INTO SINCE I ENTERED THIS STUPID CAVE! Oh well, that just gives me one more reason to kick this guy’s ass. The first reason being that ridiculous hat he’s wearing. What are you, a French impressionist painter?  Lose the beret, it’s not very gangsta like.

Lying on the ground of the cave, I happen upon a Rare Candy. Something tells me it fell out of Brock’s van last time he was trolling the cave for underage tail. I’m going to keep it, because there is NO WAY that it has razor blades or cyanide in it. In fact, I’m almost 90% sure of it! Hey, Atkins, put that candy down you tubby bastard, you already ate a trainer on the way here, wasn’t that enough. I’m saving that candy for later. I’ll find some pokemon I don’t like much to test it out. If it dies, I’ll know to not eat anything I find on the floor of a cave ever again.

I also found TM12, which teaches Water Gun. Which my water type will learn pretty soon on his own anyway. Helpful.

I come across a Lass who says something about it being so big. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I was hangin’ with my pokemons! I’m sure it wasn’t anything about my penis and how badly she wanted to mount me like a Ponyta right here on the cave floor. Of course, after beating her, my StiffyEars evolved! I now have:

Dat Horn!



The Poison Pin Pokemon

“An aggressive Pokemon that is quick to attack. The horn on it’s head secretes a powerful venom.”


That’s great, now I have an over-eater and a rageaholic in my party. What is this, a freakin’ therapy session? Is there a “Wrist-Cutting” Pokemon? How about a “Daddy Touched My No-No Place and Now I Hate Men” Pokemon?

Team Rocket Grunt: “We’re pulling a big job here! Get lost, kid!”

I do not doubt that… Grunt. I mean, any people that wear matching jump suits have to mean serious business. Just like these guys!


Next up, I find a young boy who asks me if I came to explore too. No, little boy, I’m not Brock. I’m not here to “explore”.

Hey, can someone tell me why all the Geodude’s have a pompadour that makes them look lile John Travolta in Grease?

Ye…ah. Next Up: An Onix With A Mullet

John Travolta: The Original Geodude

And it seems to be telling me to take a hike or something… or it’s hitchhiking. Something involving a hike. Oh look, a hiker. And he’s fat. Another question: Why are all the hiker’s in the poke-verse so fat? Wouldn’t you think with all the hiking they supoosedly do, they’d be nice and fit? Maybe it’s because they stand around waiting to have animal fights with small children in caves which appear to have no actually way of being lit… HOW CAN I SEE IN HERE?!

Moving on, Looks like there are plenty more Team Rocket Grunts (really, couldn’t give them names? Why not just call them Storm Troopers) down here. One of them tells me that “Little kids should leave grown-ups alone!” I agree, Pokemon Gangster. Annoying little shits.

The last Team Rocket member I come across informs me of their plan. They’re going to find the fossils, revive them, and sell them for cash! And what are you going to do with that cash? Invest it in Real Estate? I mean, there are like… six houses. I’m sure the market has NO value. Perhaps if you put them into a 401k, the interest would… what was I talking about again?

Or maybe they’ll buy guns, so little kids with spitting turtles and fat electic rodents can’t foil their plans this easily. Honestly, there is at least four of you in here. Why don’t you all just get together and punch me in the face or something. That’s all it would take. I’ll leave, seriously. I’m a major pussy. Why do you think I’m a friggin’ pokemon trainer?! To be fair, I’ll pretend I saw nothing if you just give me one of those super rare Zubats you guys have! Those things are near-impossible to find! I’ll turn and walk away, pretending none of this ever happened. I have no morals! I’m easily bought!


Not ten seconds later, I’m stopped by the most pushy nerd on the planet.

He found these fossils, and they’re both his! Um, fine, take them. I have zero interest in fossils, seriously. I can’t think of anything that’s more boring. Except maybe pokemon battling the same pokemon over and over and over and over and over and Zubat and Zubat and Zubat and Cle…JUST KIDDING ZUBAT.

WEEEEEEEEEE! BP Spilled A Ton Of Grimmers Into The Ocean!

Well, the nerd wants to fight me. Fine, you know what, I’m going to kick your ass, THEN I’m going to take your fossils. And I’m going to feed them to Pikachew over here. OM NOM NOM FOSSILS. How do you like that?!

Nice Forehead Tattoo

After breezing through Grimer-On-A-Roller-Coaster and Voltorb, I come across… AN ENORMOUS FOREHEAD OF DOOM! I mean… Koffing.

Seriously, look at the size of it’s forehead! I mean… IT’S HUGE!

Now that I’ve smacked some sense into this nerd, he’s going to “share” one of his fossils. Oh really, how ’bout I just take both of them and leave you here to be picked up by Brock? You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.

Helix Fossil. Dome Fossil. That is the question! And the answer is…

DOME FOSSIL. Because “Dome” makes me chuckle. Penis joke, I choose you!

Finally, daylight! We’ve escaped the cave. And after a short walk, I’ve made it to my next destination: Cerulean City!

Sorry about the bore-fest that was Mt. Moon. Cerulean City is bound to be a ton of fun! And believe me, if you thought I was takin’ shots at Brock, wait until you hear what I have to say about Misty!

Those shorts with those shoes, girl YOU CRAZY!

< Chapter TwoTable Of ContentsChapter Four >

Chapter 2 – Between A Brock And A Hard Place

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I’m about to head into the beautiful Viridian Forest.  Tranquil, quiet, not a lot of people around. An excellent place to hide a body. Murdering Turd is sounding more and more like a good idea every day. “Smell you later” Turd… WHEN YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ CORPSE! This is going to be revenge for all those times when we were kids and you pinned me down and farted on my head. Because murder is always the solution to conflict!

…anyway. Viridian Forest is filled with boring bug catchers. Which means it’s time for me to fight a crap load of Weedles, Caterpies, Metapods, and Kakunas. That also means there is PLENTY of time for me to chuckle every time one of them uses “Harden”. I will not catch one and name it “Penis”. It’s just not happening. That’s SO 1996.

I will, however, catch the one pokemon that’s the most annoying to catch here. The one that makes me have to go through an hour of bugs to find. That’s right, I’m going to catch the one pokeman you just haven’t seen enough of!



The Mouse Pokemon

“When several of these Pokemon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms.”


A SHOCKING Choice, I Know. That’s The Kind Of Grade-A Puns You Can Expect From This Adventure…

So every time an event of yours is ruined by lightning storms, blame that little bitch of a rodent! It’s time for Punt-A-Pikachu day. Little electric bastard.

Being that this is the original Pokemon, I don’t only get to catch a Pikachu. I get to catch FAT PIKACHU! Back in the day, Pikachu had an eating disorder and/or a pituitary problem. So, considering Pikachu’s incredible girth (I got to use the word GIRTH! That almost never happens), I have decided to give him an appropriate name:


So, little Atkins has joined my team. After some quick leveling up at the expense of a ton of random bugs that have been electrocuted to death, it’s time to explore what is bound to be an incredibly exciting forest.

Or it’ll be completely boring. Whichever. Anyway, I suppose I should collect all of these random objects that are lying on the ground! Keeping things you find on the ground is always a good idea. It’s not like anyone dropped them or anything. Seriously, does someone have a hole in their pocket?! There’s shit everywhere! I think it’s time to invest in a few fuckin’ garbage cans! If you kill off the environment, there won’t be any pokemon around for us to exploit anymore! Al Gore would be ashamed of you!

Yeah, Viridian Forest is pretty boring. But once we get through that, we make it to Pewter City. Home of a MUSEUM! Because that’s exactly what kids want in their video games: Museums. In the next Pokemon game, you should have to spend a few hours going shopping with your mom and holding her purse. That’d be AWESOME! Or maybe adhere to the adult market and make us have to do a tax return every in-game year! Is money spent on Pokeballs tax-deductible?

Your Mom Is A Museum Display! LULZ

Of course, I’ll shell out the 50 friggin’… um… money…units (the fuck is the money in this game called, anyway?) and go into the museum. Which has roughly five things on display. One of which is this beauty:

Great, pretty sure that’s going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Knowledge can kiss my ass! Upstairs, I have a lovely conversation with a gentleman.

Really Old Fart: “July 20, 1969! The 1st lunar landing! I bought a color tv to watch it!”

Sorry, old-timer, but that was FAKE. I’m kidding, I’m not going to get into insane conspiracy theory right now. That’d be really nerdy. Instead, BACK TO POKEMON!

Besides, doesn’t that imply this takes place in OUR world? I’m starting to realize that after he faked the moon landing, JFK put an end to the CUBONE Missile Crisis! HAH! See what I did there. Instead of Cuban, I said CUBONE. Cubone is a pokemon. I’m playing Pokemon. I over-explained that one a little. But fuck you, it was funny.

Do I WANT To Know?!

Alright, screw the museum. Time to head out and explore the town. I come across a man standing in the middle of a field who asks me a rather creepy question.

I’m not sure I want to know. My guess is he is disposing of a body. Idiot, didn’t I just say that Viridian Forest is the best place for that?! Doesn’t anyone ever listen to me. Apparently, what he CLAIMS to be doing is spreading Repel on his garden so wild Pokemon don’t bother it. Well, can you please explain to me why your garden (which consists of about 32 or so really small flowers) is doing in the middle of a freakin’ town?! Yes, we get it, pretty flowers, don’t care.

Trying to exit the town, I’m stopped by someone who’s life seems to consist of sitting at the exit to town and kidnapping children. He is just gathering us all up and making us go into Brock’s house nearby. This spells trouble.

After making short work of Brock’s ONE trainer thanks to Wetback and his ability to spit on other pokemon and make them too offended to fight back, I reach the Brock man himself. And proceed to easily make him my bitch.

It’s Too Late! I’m Leaving! You Never Appreciate Me…

Can someone please explain to me why Brock is locked up in this darkly lit room, with no shirt on, fighting kids that he had pushed in here by his lacky outside? That makes me a bit worried. His gym might as well be inside the back of a rusted out van at this point.

Of course, what’s more unsettling is what he says afterwards:

This is turning into a cheesy romance novel really quick…

After calling in a few Amber Alerts and telling them I may have an idea where their missing children have been, I exit the gym only to hear the most ridiculous story from a girl outside:

Girl Who’s Guillable And Stupid: “It’s rumored Clefairy’s came from the moon”

Unfortunately, most of them burned up in the atmosphere. Smoldering blobs of Clefairy everywhere… It was horrible. And the smell! Dear God! We disposed of all the bodies in Viridian Forest. No one even noticed. Told ya so.

This town is really starting to give me the creeps, I think it’s time me and Wetback get the SHELL out of here! Get it, SHELL, ’cause he’s a turtle… oh, shut up, they can’t all be winners. Of course, I have to battle my way through a bunch of idiots that have decided to gather on the way out of town. I’d like to think they’re the kidnapped children I freed from Brock’s place a few moments before. Pokemon battles all around!

Maybe not, because it appears they’re just as big of weirdos as the people in Pewter City. First dude I face off against, throws out this gem:

Creepy Kid 1: “I love shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”

Well, I’ve never met someone so enthusiastic about pants before. This kid’s devotion to pantaloons is in sharp contrast to Brock’s lack of a devotion to shirts.

But, I can’t say that the kid doesn’t have a point. Regular long pants are a huge pain in the ass to wear. Especially if the ass part of those pants is too tight. Major pain in the ass, indeed. I’m starting to fear people in the Pokemon world all have weird fetishes. Do they make shorts porn?

Here’s a question that’s come up as I battle through the legions of freaks. Why do bitches in this game keep calling me mean?! Seriously, you say their skirt makes them look fat and you’re MEAN?! Here I thought honesty was the best policy.

Oh Yeah?! Well You Have Lopsided Boobs!

Oh, Baby, I’ll Be REAAAAAAL Nice…


My feelings have officially been hurt. But come on, they’re totally asking for it! Just look at what they’re wearing! But being called mean doesn’t really sting as much as what the other lass said to me after we were finished: “That’s It?!”

You have no idea how many women have said that to me before…

Brillant Deduction, Sherlock!

Before I can get out of this emotional rollercoaster of an area, I meet this guy.

Honestly, is there some kind of creepy shorts-wearing cult around here that I’m not aware of? ‘Cause I’d totally join! I bet those bitches that called me mean are virgins that we can sacrifice to the shorts God!

It looks like I’ve finally made it to Mt. Moon’s entrance. A quick stop at the Poke Center, and I stumble upon a private business man!

Seems Legit…

He wants to sell me a Magikarp for ONLY 500… um… Money… things. There is NO WAY this is a scam! But I’m no sucker, so I’ll have to pass.

And now that we’re done in the Pokemon center, it’s time for Mt. Moon! That’s right, next time we’ll be going for a lovely nature hike through one of Kanto’s most lovely natural wonders. Hopefully, we’ll be able to see one of those really, super-rare Zubats I’m always hearing about. Though it may take SECONDS of searching to find one…

Shorts God?

< Chapter OneTable Of ContentsChapter Three >

Chapter 1 – Dick Jokes And The Nutty “Prof”


And so it begins. The great adventures of the GodOfMoogles (hereby known as “GOM”) in the world of Pokemon. We start things off with the introductions. The great Professor Oak (Read:”Prof” because “Professor” would have apparently killed the writers.) explains to us his fetish career and then informs us that we have to name his grandson. And because I’m roughly 6 years old, I will be naming him “Turd”. Because I can, that’s why!

Too Bad I Don’t Have The Option To Just Stay Home And Play Donkey Kong Country…

Now, let’s get right into things, shall we.

So, our fearless hero GOM has spent his whole life dreaming about being a pokemon master. It’s time to leave his trusty SNES (which he uses to no doubt behead other people in Mortal Kombat) and venture out to do what is apparently the only option for human beings to do in this world: capture wild animals and make them fight each other for money. Remember, this is a video game. This is very much frowned upon in real life…



Too soon?

I’m a little concerned right from the start. Our house seems to have only two rooms. GOM’s room, which is the same size as the entire downstairs, and the… other room that takes up all of the first floor. No one seems to care where my mother sleeps. I’m guessing she maybe sprawls out across that enormous table. And hey, if she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom… where the fuck is the kitchen?! We also seem to be in a world where it’s perfectly acceptable to put a sign outside our house that says “GOM’s House”. Because screw my mom, that’s why!

Right, so we’re venturing out to meet “Prof” Oak. Let’s take a look around our beautiful home town. Here’s our house. There is our neighbor’s house. And there is an enormous building dedicated to pokemon. And that’s it. Wow, I wonder what the property value is for a place in this small of a community. If you removed one of these buildings, I’d probably be considered a hermit.

I can’t imagine this is a very pleasant place to live, considering there appears to be a few homeless people just wandering aimlessly around our front yard. Let’s see what our vagabond friends have to say.

Girl: I’m raising Pokemon too! When they get strong, they can protect me!

From what? Your horribly mundane life being an NPC in a town of ten?

Fat Guy: Technology is incredible! You can now store and recall items and Pokemon as data via PC!

And yet apparently we’re incapable of building enough houses for all the people in this Arceus forsaken world. Priorities: We has them.

Entering the “Oak Pokemon Research Lab”, we find that they are not actually researching oak pokemon. What a shame. The people inside the lab aren’t any more interesting. Two of them both say the same exact thing, which makes me believe that the good “Prof” has an army of clones working for him.

In the next room, Turd awaits! He informs us that “Gramps” isn’t around. Thanks, Turd, I wouldn’t have been able to figure that out considering I can see the entire town from where I stand. Guess we’re going to have to go find the “Prof” then.

As I attempt to exit town, via the only way anyone CAN exit town, the “Prof” suddenly materializes from the wall of my house, and then proceeds to yell at me. Apparently, it’s unsafe to leave unless we have a pokemon. Seems like they should have taken that into consideration when they decided to build a freakin’ town here!

Inside, the “Prof” shows me and Turd his balls. Yes, that is the first of what will probably be MANY testicle jokes I will be making. Come on, I named my rival “Turd”, do you really think I won’t be making cheap “balls” jokes too?

It would appear the “Prof” is going to give me my own pokemon.

“Prof”: When I was young, I was a serious pokemon trainer. But in my old age, I have only 3 left.

Apparently, the only thing he was serious about was killing his pokemon. I don’t know if we should trust this guy. But alas, we get a free pokemon out of the deal, so we’ll forgive him for now. And which one will I pick? I’ve decided to go with none other than…

Bitch Please!



The “Tinyturtle” Pokemon

After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth”


So, it swells and hardens and then shoots foam, aye? I guess we have a penis joke to go with those balls jokes…

Nickname time. I would like you all to meet my starter: Wetback. It’s a nice, Spanish name. I’m also a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Turd has decided he’s going to pick the pokemon my pokemon is weak against. I’d say this was clever on his part, but I’m sure he totally just did it to piss me off. Of course, he isn’t done pissing me off. He wants to battle. Fantastic. I’ve had this turtle for roughly two minutes now and you want me to send it off to die for my causes? Seems a bit impersonal, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge.

Just like that, I’m thrust into our first fight. In the course of the fight, Wetback misses about half of his attacks. But alas, despite that, we’re able to pull out a victory. I can imagine my commands during this fight went something like this:

“Wetback! TACKLE! Wetback… tackle again! WETBACK… TACKLE. Tackle him, Wetback. Try tackling him? GO FOR THE TACKLE! Tackle! Tack… I need a new hobby…”

Turd takes off with his trademark goodbye: “Smell ya later!” Smell you later as well, Turd! Smell you later as well…

I guess it’s safe to venture out now. So I head through Route 1 into the bustling metropolis of Viridian City. Of course, “City” might be a bit of an overstatement. Perhaps “Township” or something is more appropriate. Also: What the fuck is a township?

Anyway, as we head into the item store, I instantly regret wearing my shirt that says “I’m everyone’s bitch. Please make me do your job for you!”, because the item store clerk has told me he wants me to deliver a package to the “Prof”. Why don’t you employ one of the many homeless people to do that for you, it’ll help stimulate the economy. But fine, if you’d like, I can have Wetback do it for us. He LOVES taking people’s jobs! (Oh yeah, racist jokes! What’s a pokemon blog without it. Wait until I catch a Jynx!)

I’ve delivered the package to the “Prof”, and I guess it’s a “custom pokeball” he ordered. I’m not sure what that means, but it can’t possibly be anything good. Please note that Charmander is going to be sitting on the table for the remainder of this adventure. That’s actually kind of depressing. Shortly after delivering the package, Turd shows up. Because Turd has nothing better to do.

The “Prof” wants us to have our very own iPhone! Of course, the only App it has downloaded is “Pokedex”. What a load of crap. I wanted to play Angry Birds while I continue to tell Wetback to tackle a bunch of birds and rats outside of town. What a jip! Anyway, Turd informs me that he’s going to borrow a map from his sister, and tell her not to lend me one. That’s fine, I don’t want your sister’s map anyway! It probably has herpes! LIKE YOUR MOM! OH WHAT NOW!

Turd: My mom is dead, you dick! That’s why I live alone with my sister and this creepy old man!

Me: Why does that always happen!

Lucky for us, Turd’s sister gives us a map anyway. How nice of her. I almost feel bad for all the times I sat up at night masturbating feverishly to thoughts of her. Almost.

It’s time to start catching pokemon! After purchasing a couple of pokeballs from the PokeMart in Viridian, I’m out to the tall grass to catch a partner for Wetback! Nearby, I decide to catch a cute lil’ Male Nidoran

The Male Nidoran Is Purple, The Female Is Blue. Pokemon: Abolishing Gender Stereotypes Since 1996



The Poison Pin Pokemon

“Stiffens its ears to sense danger. The larger its horns, the more powerful its secreted venom.”


So, I’ve decided since I gave such an insensitive name to Wetback, that I’d try for a more respectable name for my horny bunny thing. I think he should be given a good strong name! A name he can be proud of! A name like:


After some quick leveling up, it’s time to go take on the Pokemon League! Unforunately, Turd shows up and let’s us know that we can’t. And then challenges us to a battle. Oh, Turd, it’s on like Donkey Kong with a Bong!

StiffyEars makes short work of Turd’s Pidgey with his HornyAttack. But now it’s time to face Bulbasaur. And StiffyEars makes quick work of him too. Well, that was certainly underwealming.

I guess we’re done with Viridian City now. It’s time to head North, through the Viridian Forest!

But alas: that’s for another day! That’s all for today’s leg of GOM’s Pokemon Blue Adventure! Join us next time as we head through Viridian Forest and face off against Brock. A man with a huge, hard snake! Oh yeah, the penis jokes will continue!

| — Table Of ContentsChapter Two >