Chapter 3 – Goin’ Zubatshit Crazy In Mt. Moon

(Warning: I make a couple of pop-culture jokes most of you are probably not going to find funny or perhaps even understand. They are pretty much just for my own entertainment. I did make a penis joke or two. So chuckle like a Shuckle, my Poke-Pals!)

Mt. Moon. A majestic mountain that seems to be… hollow? I mean, how else can you explain why it’s so insanely open in here? I mean, really, shouldn’t a cave be more… cave like? I suppose if Brock comes and trains here, he’d need all this extra room for his rippling biceps!

Great, I thought the drugs he gave me wore off. Stupid child molesting weirdo. Put a shirt on already, will ya! It’s almost winter, you wouldn’t want your nipples to use “Harden”!

I don’t like Mt. Moon. It’s incredibly uninteresting. Maybe if we had one of those fascinating cave tour guides (Read: Annoying Useless Fact Machines) to show us around before we begin our adventure.

Tour Guide: Mt. Moon is also known for it’s rich mineral deposits and… yes, GOM?

GOM: …dude, the FUCK is with all the Zubats?! They’re friggin’ EVERYWHERE! Consider I’ve leveled up in here for hours at a time, I’d have to say there has to be at LEAST a million of them or so. They just keep coming!

Tour Guide: Oh, well, there is an interesting historical story about that. You see, back in 1947 the Zubat population was very low. So, we gave them some of the same furtility drugs we gave Kate Gosslin.

GOM: So in other words you’re saying I’m lucky it’s just Zubats and not Gosslin’s kids running around in here?

Tour Guide: Exactly. All they can do is be exploited for the financial gain of their owner. Oh wait, that’s no different than Pokemon, is it…

I have no idea. That joke is about five years too late. I apologize. It’s still funny. Stupid bitch.

I Knew That Pokemart Was A Front!

Before I can get too far, I come across Team Rocket. Just sorta… chilling in random spots in the cave. Doin’ evil things like, um, thinking dirty thoughts about your mom and not paying taxes. Gangsta shit! At least he’s not part of that creepy shorts cult…

Oh cool! The first Team Rocket Grunt I fight has a Zubat! Never seen one of those before! Except for EVERY FRIGGIN’ BATTLE I’VE GOTTEN INTO SINCE I ENTERED THIS STUPID CAVE! Oh well, that just gives me one more reason to kick this guy’s ass. The first reason being that ridiculous hat he’s wearing. What are you, a French impressionist painter?  Lose the beret, it’s not very gangsta like.

Lying on the ground of the cave, I happen upon a Rare Candy. Something tells me it fell out of Brock’s van last time he was trolling the cave for underage tail. I’m going to keep it, because there is NO WAY that it has razor blades or cyanide in it. In fact, I’m almost 90% sure of it! Hey, Atkins, put that candy down you tubby bastard, you already ate a trainer on the way here, wasn’t that enough. I’m saving that candy for later. I’ll find some pokemon I don’t like much to test it out. If it dies, I’ll know to not eat anything I find on the floor of a cave ever again.

I also found TM12, which teaches Water Gun. Which my water type will learn pretty soon on his own anyway. Helpful.

I come across a Lass who says something about it being so big. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I was hangin’ with my pokemons! I’m sure it wasn’t anything about my penis and how badly she wanted to mount me like a Ponyta right here on the cave floor. Of course, after beating her, my StiffyEars evolved! I now have:

Dat Horn!

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Nidorino

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“An aggressive Pokemon that is quick to attack. The horn on it’s head secretes a powerful venom.”

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That’s great, now I have an over-eater and a rageaholic in my party. What is this, a freakin’ therapy session? Is there a “Wrist-Cutting” Pokemon? How about a “Daddy Touched My No-No Place and Now I Hate Men” Pokemon?

Team Rocket Grunt: “We’re pulling a big job here! Get lost, kid!”

I do not doubt that… Grunt. I mean, any people that wear matching jump suits have to mean serious business. Just like these guys!

TEAM NAZI BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

Next up, I find a young boy who asks me if I came to explore too. No, little boy, I’m not Brock. I’m not here to “explore”.

Hey, can someone tell me why all the Geodude’s have a pompadour that makes them look lile John Travolta in Grease?

Ye…ah. Next Up: An Onix With A Mullet

John Travolta: The Original Geodude

And it seems to be telling me to take a hike or something… or it’s hitchhiking. Something involving a hike. Oh look, a hiker. And he’s fat. Another question: Why are all the hiker’s in the poke-verse so fat? Wouldn’t you think with all the hiking they supoosedly do, they’d be nice and fit? Maybe it’s because they stand around waiting to have animal fights with small children in caves which appear to have no actually way of being lit… HOW CAN I SEE IN HERE?!

Moving on, Looks like there are plenty more Team Rocket Grunts (really, couldn’t give them names? Why not just call them Storm Troopers) down here. One of them tells me that “Little kids should leave grown-ups alone!” I agree, Pokemon Gangster. Annoying little shits.

The last Team Rocket member I come across informs me of their plan. They’re going to find the fossils, revive them, and sell them for cash! And what are you going to do with that cash? Invest it in Real Estate? I mean, there are like… six houses. I’m sure the market has NO value. Perhaps if you put them into a 401k, the interest would… what was I talking about again?

Or maybe they’ll buy guns, so little kids with spitting turtles and fat electic rodents can’t foil their plans this easily. Honestly, there is at least four of you in here. Why don’t you all just get together and punch me in the face or something. That’s all it would take. I’ll leave, seriously. I’m a major pussy. Why do you think I’m a friggin’ pokemon trainer?! To be fair, I’ll pretend I saw nothing if you just give me one of those super rare Zubats you guys have! Those things are near-impossible to find! I’ll turn and walk away, pretending none of this ever happened. I have no morals! I’m easily bought!

HEY, LISTEN… er… HEY, STOP!

Not ten seconds later, I’m stopped by the most pushy nerd on the planet.

He found these fossils, and they’re both his! Um, fine, take them. I have zero interest in fossils, seriously. I can’t think of anything that’s more boring. Except maybe pokemon battling the same pokemon over and over and over and over and over and Zubat and Zubat and Zubat and Cle…JUST KIDDING ZUBAT.

WEEEEEEEEEE! BP Spilled A Ton Of Grimmers Into The Ocean!

Well, the nerd wants to fight me. Fine, you know what, I’m going to kick your ass, THEN I’m going to take your fossils. And I’m going to feed them to Pikachew over here. OM NOM NOM FOSSILS. How do you like that?!

Nice Forehead Tattoo

After breezing through Grimer-On-A-Roller-Coaster and Voltorb, I come across… AN ENORMOUS FOREHEAD OF DOOM! I mean… Koffing.

Seriously, look at the size of it’s forehead! I mean… IT’S HUGE!

Now that I’ve smacked some sense into this nerd, he’s going to “share” one of his fossils. Oh really, how ’bout I just take both of them and leave you here to be picked up by Brock? You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.

Helix Fossil. Dome Fossil. That is the question! And the answer is…

DOME FOSSIL. Because “Dome” makes me chuckle. Penis joke, I choose you!

Finally, daylight! We’ve escaped the cave. And after a short walk, I’ve made it to my next destination: Cerulean City!

Sorry about the bore-fest that was Mt. Moon. Cerulean City is bound to be a ton of fun! And believe me, if you thought I was takin’ shots at Brock, wait until you hear what I have to say about Misty!

Those shorts with those shoes, girl YOU CRAZY!

< Chapter TwoTable Of ContentsChapter Four >

Chapter 2 – Between A Brock And A Hard Place

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I’m about to head into the beautiful Viridian Forest.  Tranquil, quiet, not a lot of people around. An excellent place to hide a body. Murdering Turd is sounding more and more like a good idea every day. “Smell you later” Turd… WHEN YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ CORPSE! This is going to be revenge for all those times when we were kids and you pinned me down and farted on my head. Because murder is always the solution to conflict!

…anyway. Viridian Forest is filled with boring bug catchers. Which means it’s time for me to fight a crap load of Weedles, Caterpies, Metapods, and Kakunas. That also means there is PLENTY of time for me to chuckle every time one of them uses “Harden”. I will not catch one and name it “Penis”. It’s just not happening. That’s SO 1996.

I will, however, catch the one pokemon that’s the most annoying to catch here. The one that makes me have to go through an hour of bugs to find. That’s right, I’m going to catch the one pokeman you just haven’t seen enough of!

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Pikachu

The Mouse Pokemon

“When several of these Pokemon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms.”

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A SHOCKING Choice, I Know. That’s The Kind Of Grade-A Puns You Can Expect From This Adventure…

So every time an event of yours is ruined by lightning storms, blame that little bitch of a rodent! It’s time for Punt-A-Pikachu day. Little electric bastard.

Being that this is the original Pokemon, I don’t only get to catch a Pikachu. I get to catch FAT PIKACHU! Back in the day, Pikachu had an eating disorder and/or a pituitary problem. So, considering Pikachu’s incredible girth (I got to use the word GIRTH! That almost never happens), I have decided to give him an appropriate name:

HINT! HINT!

So, little Atkins has joined my team. After some quick leveling up at the expense of a ton of random bugs that have been electrocuted to death, it’s time to explore what is bound to be an incredibly exciting forest.

Or it’ll be completely boring. Whichever. Anyway, I suppose I should collect all of these random objects that are lying on the ground! Keeping things you find on the ground is always a good idea. It’s not like anyone dropped them or anything. Seriously, does someone have a hole in their pocket?! There’s shit everywhere! I think it’s time to invest in a few fuckin’ garbage cans! If you kill off the environment, there won’t be any pokemon around for us to exploit anymore! Al Gore would be ashamed of you!

Yeah, Viridian Forest is pretty boring. But once we get through that, we make it to Pewter City. Home of a MUSEUM! Because that’s exactly what kids want in their video games: Museums. In the next Pokemon game, you should have to spend a few hours going shopping with your mom and holding her purse. That’d be AWESOME! Or maybe adhere to the adult market and make us have to do a tax return every in-game year! Is money spent on Pokeballs tax-deductible?

Your Mom Is A Museum Display! LULZ

Of course, I’ll shell out the 50 friggin’… um… money…units (the fuck is the money in this game called, anyway?) and go into the museum. Which has roughly five things on display. One of which is this beauty:

Great, pretty sure that’s going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Knowledge can kiss my ass! Upstairs, I have a lovely conversation with a gentleman.

Really Old Fart: “July 20, 1969! The 1st lunar landing! I bought a color tv to watch it!”

Sorry, old-timer, but that was FAKE. I’m kidding, I’m not going to get into insane conspiracy theory right now. That’d be really nerdy. Instead, BACK TO POKEMON!

Besides, doesn’t that imply this takes place in OUR world? I’m starting to realize that after he faked the moon landing, JFK put an end to the CUBONE Missile Crisis! HAH! See what I did there. Instead of Cuban, I said CUBONE. Cubone is a pokemon. I’m playing Pokemon. I over-explained that one a little. But fuck you, it was funny.

Do I WANT To Know?!

Alright, screw the museum. Time to head out and explore the town. I come across a man standing in the middle of a field who asks me a rather creepy question.

I’m not sure I want to know. My guess is he is disposing of a body. Idiot, didn’t I just say that Viridian Forest is the best place for that?! Doesn’t anyone ever listen to me. Apparently, what he CLAIMS to be doing is spreading Repel on his garden so wild Pokemon don’t bother it. Well, can you please explain to me why your garden (which consists of about 32 or so really small flowers) is doing in the middle of a freakin’ town?! Yes, we get it, pretty flowers, don’t care.

Trying to exit the town, I’m stopped by someone who’s life seems to consist of sitting at the exit to town and kidnapping children. He is just gathering us all up and making us go into Brock’s house nearby. This spells trouble.

After making short work of Brock’s ONE trainer thanks to Wetback and his ability to spit on other pokemon and make them too offended to fight back, I reach the Brock man himself. And proceed to easily make him my bitch.

It’s Too Late! I’m Leaving! You Never Appreciate Me…

Can someone please explain to me why Brock is locked up in this darkly lit room, with no shirt on, fighting kids that he had pushed in here by his lacky outside? That makes me a bit worried. His gym might as well be inside the back of a rusted out van at this point.

Of course, what’s more unsettling is what he says afterwards:

This is turning into a cheesy romance novel really quick…

After calling in a few Amber Alerts and telling them I may have an idea where their missing children have been, I exit the gym only to hear the most ridiculous story from a girl outside:

Girl Who’s Guillable And Stupid: “It’s rumored Clefairy’s came from the moon”

Unfortunately, most of them burned up in the atmosphere. Smoldering blobs of Clefairy everywhere… It was horrible. And the smell! Dear God! We disposed of all the bodies in Viridian Forest. No one even noticed. Told ya so.

This town is really starting to give me the creeps, I think it’s time me and Wetback get the SHELL out of here! Get it, SHELL, ’cause he’s a turtle… oh, shut up, they can’t all be winners. Of course, I have to battle my way through a bunch of idiots that have decided to gather on the way out of town. I’d like to think they’re the kidnapped children I freed from Brock’s place a few moments before. Pokemon battles all around!

Maybe not, because it appears they’re just as big of weirdos as the people in Pewter City. First dude I face off against, throws out this gem:

Creepy Kid 1: “I love shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”

Well, I’ve never met someone so enthusiastic about pants before. This kid’s devotion to pantaloons is in sharp contrast to Brock’s lack of a devotion to shirts.

But, I can’t say that the kid doesn’t have a point. Regular long pants are a huge pain in the ass to wear. Especially if the ass part of those pants is too tight. Major pain in the ass, indeed. I’m starting to fear people in the Pokemon world all have weird fetishes. Do they make shorts porn?

Here’s a question that’s come up as I battle through the legions of freaks. Why do bitches in this game keep calling me mean?! Seriously, you say their skirt makes them look fat and you’re MEAN?! Here I thought honesty was the best policy.

Oh Yeah?! Well You Have Lopsided Boobs!

Oh, Baby, I’ll Be REAAAAAAL Nice…

————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

My feelings have officially been hurt. But come on, they’re totally asking for it! Just look at what they’re wearing! But being called mean doesn’t really sting as much as what the other lass said to me after we were finished: “That’s It?!”

You have no idea how many women have said that to me before…

Brillant Deduction, Sherlock!

Before I can get out of this emotional rollercoaster of an area, I meet this guy.

Honestly, is there some kind of creepy shorts-wearing cult around here that I’m not aware of? ‘Cause I’d totally join! I bet those bitches that called me mean are virgins that we can sacrifice to the shorts God!

It looks like I’ve finally made it to Mt. Moon’s entrance. A quick stop at the Poke Center, and I stumble upon a private business man!

Seems Legit…

He wants to sell me a Magikarp for ONLY 500… um… Money… things. There is NO WAY this is a scam! But I’m no sucker, so I’ll have to pass.

And now that we’re done in the Pokemon center, it’s time for Mt. Moon! That’s right, next time we’ll be going for a lovely nature hike through one of Kanto’s most lovely natural wonders. Hopefully, we’ll be able to see one of those really, super-rare Zubats I’m always hearing about. Though it may take SECONDS of searching to find one…

Shorts God?

< Chapter OneTable Of ContentsChapter Three >

Chapter 1 – Dick Jokes And The Nutty “Prof”

WTF Is A PROF?

And so it begins. The great adventures of the GodOfMoogles (hereby known as “GOM”) in the world of Pokemon. We start things off with the introductions. The great Professor Oak (Read:”Prof” because “Professor” would have apparently killed the writers.) explains to us his fetish career and then informs us that we have to name his grandson. And because I’m roughly 6 years old, I will be naming him “Turd”. Because I can, that’s why!

Too Bad I Don’t Have The Option To Just Stay Home And Play Donkey Kong Country…

Now, let’s get right into things, shall we.

So, our fearless hero GOM has spent his whole life dreaming about being a pokemon master. It’s time to leave his trusty SNES (which he uses to no doubt behead other people in Mortal Kombat) and venture out to do what is apparently the only option for human beings to do in this world: capture wild animals and make them fight each other for money. Remember, this is a video game. This is very much frowned upon in real life…

Trainer: GO GROWLITHE!

Michael Vick: PIT BULL, I CHOOSE YOU!

Too soon?

I’m a little concerned right from the start. Our house seems to have only two rooms. GOM’s room, which is the same size as the entire downstairs, and the… other room that takes up all of the first floor. No one seems to care where my mother sleeps. I’m guessing she maybe sprawls out across that enormous table. And hey, if she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom… where the fuck is the kitchen?! We also seem to be in a world where it’s perfectly acceptable to put a sign outside our house that says “GOM’s House”. Because screw my mom, that’s why!

Right, so we’re venturing out to meet “Prof” Oak. Let’s take a look around our beautiful home town. Here’s our house. There is our neighbor’s house. And there is an enormous building dedicated to pokemon. And that’s it. Wow, I wonder what the property value is for a place in this small of a community. If you removed one of these buildings, I’d probably be considered a hermit.

I can’t imagine this is a very pleasant place to live, considering there appears to be a few homeless people just wandering aimlessly around our front yard. Let’s see what our vagabond friends have to say.

Girl: I’m raising Pokemon too! When they get strong, they can protect me!

From what? Your horribly mundane life being an NPC in a town of ten?

Fat Guy: Technology is incredible! You can now store and recall items and Pokemon as data via PC!

And yet apparently we’re incapable of building enough houses for all the people in this Arceus forsaken world. Priorities: We has them.

Entering the “Oak Pokemon Research Lab”, we find that they are not actually researching oak pokemon. What a shame. The people inside the lab aren’t any more interesting. Two of them both say the same exact thing, which makes me believe that the good “Prof” has an army of clones working for him.

In the next room, Turd awaits! He informs us that “Gramps” isn’t around. Thanks, Turd, I wouldn’t have been able to figure that out considering I can see the entire town from where I stand. Guess we’re going to have to go find the “Prof” then.

As I attempt to exit town, via the only way anyone CAN exit town, the “Prof” suddenly materializes from the wall of my house, and then proceeds to yell at me. Apparently, it’s unsafe to leave unless we have a pokemon. Seems like they should have taken that into consideration when they decided to build a freakin’ town here!

Inside, the “Prof” shows me and Turd his balls. Yes, that is the first of what will probably be MANY testicle jokes I will be making. Come on, I named my rival “Turd”, do you really think I won’t be making cheap “balls” jokes too?

It would appear the “Prof” is going to give me my own pokemon.

“Prof”: When I was young, I was a serious pokemon trainer. But in my old age, I have only 3 left.

Apparently, the only thing he was serious about was killing his pokemon. I don’t know if we should trust this guy. But alas, we get a free pokemon out of the deal, so we’ll forgive him for now. And which one will I pick? I’ve decided to go with none other than…

Bitch Please!

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SQUIRTLE

The “Tinyturtle” Pokemon

After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth”

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So, it swells and hardens and then shoots foam, aye? I guess we have a penis joke to go with those balls jokes…

Nickname time. I would like you all to meet my starter: Wetback. It’s a nice, Spanish name. I’m also a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Turd has decided he’s going to pick the pokemon my pokemon is weak against. I’d say this was clever on his part, but I’m sure he totally just did it to piss me off. Of course, he isn’t done pissing me off. He wants to battle. Fantastic. I’ve had this turtle for roughly two minutes now and you want me to send it off to die for my causes? Seems a bit impersonal, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge.

Just like that, I’m thrust into our first fight. In the course of the fight, Wetback misses about half of his attacks. But alas, despite that, we’re able to pull out a victory. I can imagine my commands during this fight went something like this:

“Wetback! TACKLE! Wetback… tackle again! WETBACK… TACKLE. Tackle him, Wetback. Try tackling him? GO FOR THE TACKLE! Tackle! Tack… I need a new hobby…”

Turd takes off with his trademark goodbye: “Smell ya later!” Smell you later as well, Turd! Smell you later as well…

I guess it’s safe to venture out now. So I head through Route 1 into the bustling metropolis of Viridian City. Of course, “City” might be a bit of an overstatement. Perhaps “Township” or something is more appropriate. Also: What the fuck is a township?

Anyway, as we head into the item store, I instantly regret wearing my shirt that says “I’m everyone’s bitch. Please make me do your job for you!”, because the item store clerk has told me he wants me to deliver a package to the “Prof”. Why don’t you employ one of the many homeless people to do that for you, it’ll help stimulate the economy. But fine, if you’d like, I can have Wetback do it for us. He LOVES taking people’s jobs! (Oh yeah, racist jokes! What’s a pokemon blog without it. Wait until I catch a Jynx!)

I’ve delivered the package to the “Prof”, and I guess it’s a “custom pokeball” he ordered. I’m not sure what that means, but it can’t possibly be anything good. Please note that Charmander is going to be sitting on the table for the remainder of this adventure. That’s actually kind of depressing. Shortly after delivering the package, Turd shows up. Because Turd has nothing better to do.

The “Prof” wants us to have our very own iPhone! Of course, the only App it has downloaded is “Pokedex”. What a load of crap. I wanted to play Angry Birds while I continue to tell Wetback to tackle a bunch of birds and rats outside of town. What a jip! Anyway, Turd informs me that he’s going to borrow a map from his sister, and tell her not to lend me one. That’s fine, I don’t want your sister’s map anyway! It probably has herpes! LIKE YOUR MOM! OH WHAT NOW!

Turd: My mom is dead, you dick! That’s why I live alone with my sister and this creepy old man!

Me: Why does that always happen!

Lucky for us, Turd’s sister gives us a map anyway. How nice of her. I almost feel bad for all the times I sat up at night masturbating feverishly to thoughts of her. Almost.

It’s time to start catching pokemon! After purchasing a couple of pokeballs from the PokeMart in Viridian, I’m out to the tall grass to catch a partner for Wetback! Nearby, I decide to catch a cute lil’ Male Nidoran

The Male Nidoran Is Purple, The Female Is Blue. Pokemon: Abolishing Gender Stereotypes Since 1996

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NIDORAN

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“Stiffens its ears to sense danger. The larger its horns, the more powerful its secreted venom.”

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So, I’ve decided since I gave such an insensitive name to Wetback, that I’d try for a more respectable name for my horny bunny thing. I think he should be given a good strong name! A name he can be proud of! A name like:

StiffyEars

After some quick leveling up, it’s time to go take on the Pokemon League! Unforunately, Turd shows up and let’s us know that we can’t. And then challenges us to a battle. Oh, Turd, it’s on like Donkey Kong with a Bong!

StiffyEars makes short work of Turd’s Pidgey with his HornyAttack. But now it’s time to face Bulbasaur. And StiffyEars makes quick work of him too. Well, that was certainly underwealming.

I guess we’re done with Viridian City now. It’s time to head North, through the Viridian Forest!

But alas: that’s for another day! That’s all for today’s leg of GOM’s Pokemon Blue Adventure! Join us next time as we head through Viridian Forest and face off against Brock. A man with a huge, hard snake! Oh yeah, the penis jokes will continue!

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