Chapter 8 – Dead Ends, Genetic Mutations, And Erections

Rockets? Did The USSR Attack?!

Lavender Town, home of the Pokemon Tower. A graveyard built specifically for dead Pokemon. I’ve noticed an absence of HUMAN graveyards. I guess we just have Charmander use “Cremate” on the people when they die. Upon asking around town, someone offers me an explanation about why there are so many dead pokemon.

The “Rockets”? You mean THESE rockets?!

I Bet It Was Ming Yao! Asians Just Shouldn’t Be That Big…

The Houston Rockets basketball team is killing off pokemon?! Now do you see the importance of NBA lockout! The Rockets are so bored, they’ve moved past simply slapping around their wives and started killing helpless pokemon! This is, of course, an assumption on my part that ALL basketball players must slap around their wives. It may only be some, I’m not sure. Guilty until proven innocent, I always say!

Because You Touch Yourself At Night, That’s Why!

What follows is a trip through the most depressing place on the planet. The Pokemon Tower is filled with people mourning the death of their pokemon. This poor girl lost her Growlithe!

Did you remember to feed it? They like food. Just ask Atkins. Hey! This is a funeral home, stop using Flash you floozie!

I don’t think I’ve made a dick joke lately, so here it is:

*snicker*

I like pokemon too, but not THAT much…

Even worse, upstairs is Turd. Turd is also paying his respects!

Brilliant Deduction!

Well, Hobo is pretty close… No, they are dead, I’ve just been carrying them around and working them like puppets. Just call this “Weekend At Burmy’s!” (That’s the greatest PokePun I’ve ever written. If you don’t get the reference, we’re not friends anymore)

Anyway, Turd decides a funeral home is a good place for a pokemon battle. He’s added some cool stuff to his team, like Gyrados and Growlithe. But hey, didn’t he have a Raticate…

Oh… oh no. I… get it now. Turd, you’re here because your Raticate. I’m… so sorry…

OH HELLLLLL NAW!

Annnnnnd now you can kiss my ass. I’m glad your Raticate is dead, I hope it died a painful, slow death. I have you had to watch as it was eviscerated and turned inside-out. I hope it’s death screechs echo in your nightmares forever. I seriously hope you still find Raticate fur in your backpack a year later and you cry like a little bitch.

…I’m sorry. I went to a dark place there for a second. I don’t like people stealing material from Bugs Bunny. Stinker? Honestly?

I guess me being a “Stinker” explains why he keeps exiting with a “Smell Ya Later”.

Unfortunately, I’m told that I’m not going to be able to identify the ghosts in this tower, unless I can get a Silph Scope. A device which allows you to see the invisible. Which seems utterly pointless in any other situation. Next they’ll make their scope hold MP3. Because everything these days holds MP3.

Alright, guess we’re heading to the next town to net us a Silph Scope! On the way, I’m going to crush the hopes and dreams of a bunch of helpless trainers. Because that’s how I roll. And I think I’ll start with this nerd.

What A Loser…

“School is fun”. No, Game Freak, I will not buy into your subliminal messages and think school is cool. In fact, after I’m done smashing this kid’s pokemon into the ground, I’m going to see if I can give him an atomic wedgie.

Super Nerd TO THE RESCUE!

Oh, look, he’s already bent over waiting for it. “Super Nerd” sounds like the worst superhero ever.

“Stop, evil doers! I am SUPER NERD!”

“What are you going to do to stop us?!”

“Equation of Justice! I’m going to solve for X, and X is YOUR ASS!”

We’ve now made it to the beautiful Celadon City in search of our Silph Scope. Upstairs in a nearby building, I find an Eevee just sitting on a table. So of course I take it. I mean, it’s not like something inside someone else’s building could be anything but a free thing for me to take without asking. Clearly everything in this world is my property, and I can claim it as I see fit.

D’AWWWWWWW!!!!! Head-Exploding Adorable Right There!

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Eevee

The Evolution Pokemon

“It’s genetic code is irregular. It may mutate if it is exposed to radiation from element STONEs.”

————

Whoa whoa whoa, these elemental stones I’ve been carrying around with me are RADIOACTIVE?! Why the hell didn’t someone tell me I was basically hauling around colorful plutonium with me?! I’ve had them in my pocket this whole time! No wonder I grew those extra testicles last night! And here I just thought God finally answered my prayers.

I like the idea that if it’s exposed to radiation, it’ll mutate. Yeah, I’m pretty sure anything exposed to radiation will probably do something along those lines. I’m a bit concerned that in this case it’s PROMOTED! Sure, go ahead kids, expose your pets to radiation and they’ll morph into way cooler pets! Shove your kitten in the microwave, it’ll sprout gills and be able to live underwater! It’s cool! Trust me! There is NO WAY that when you turn it up to “High” it’s little kitty eyes will pop out of it’s skull like gooey ping pong balls!

So, I guess we’ve added the sixth member of my team! Seeing as Eevee has just been abandoned and seems to need a new home, I’ve decided to name him Exile. He’s an outcast, and a bad ass one at that. He’s genetically unstable, and radiation gives him super powers. He’s essentially Spiderman, only he gets cooler powers than just wrist-jizz.

Steal Shit, People Will Like You More!

In another room of this building, I meet this guy who tells me all about his pokemon friend Meowth and his cat burglary ways.

And you don’t stop to ask where he gets it? That seems responsible. I don’t know how your Meowth brings home money, all mine seems to do is lick windows and try and jam pencils in electrical sockets. I should really take him to a doctor. Poor, deranged Hobo.

What If I Told You This World Wasn’t Real?

The third floor is home to this. Things are about to get a whole lot more… plotholed.

Uh oh, the fourth wall has been broken down! You mean to tell me I’m in some kind of video game that you guys designed?! This whole world, all it’s events, were scripted before hand?! And you expect me to just take this mind-melting revelation and continue on like my life has meaning?! I now know for a fact that God doesn’t exist and that I’m simply a pawn in a game of fate! I have no reason to live on anymore! VIRGIN, USE CUT ON MY WRISTS!

GOODBYE TENTACRUEL WORLD!

Just kidding!

Upon further exploring, I come across a bizarre sight. A “hotel” for people! So, it’s not ALL about pokemon in this world!

Define “People”?

…WHA?!

But wait a second here…

…there aren’t any ROOMS to be found. It’s just a huge, open lobby. What the hell? At least this huge empty room contains the most amusing three people in the world.

And Now It’s Gotten Weird…

Well, That’s Nice! Family Is Important…

Uh, what? Let’s see what her boyfriend has to say about that…

Why Indeed…

Sorry, bro, guess you thought you were going to get lucky, huh? Brothers are such cock-blockers! Of course, it’s much worse when her brother is oblivious!

COCK BLOCKER!!!

If the boyfriend asks you to “go get ice” (not that there is an ice machine, or even ROOMS in this hotel…) you can be assured he’s going to try and sneak in a quicky while you’re gone.

The people outside aren’t any less pleasant. It appears no matter how far away I travel, I just can’t escape complete lunacy. Oh well, might as well embrace it.

Moan For Me, Baby!

I don’t think you’re supposed to SAY “moan” out loud you weird old man. However, the prospect of gambling does sound like fun! Let’s pull that coin out of Hobo’s head and throw it into the slot machines! Wow, it’s amazing how much blood pressure can build up in a Meowth’s head, when I pulled the coin out this time it shot like thirty feet in the air, it was almost beautiful. You know, if he hadn’t interrupted my admiring of it with all that hissing and screaming. Fine, I’ll put it back. You big baby.

Let’s head to the Rocket Game Corner! Oh, the sign makes it sound exciting:

I Got A Stack Of Dollar Bills All Ready!

Sounds sexy! Will there be strippers?! Hey Virgin, you might be able to put away those The Used albums and quit this emo phase after all! I think we might be able to get you laid finally!

Oh, nevermind. It’s just cheesy slot machines. What a ripoff!

There is a Rocket member “guarding a poster”. That doesn’t sound weird at all! Let’s kick his ass! Apparently, there may or may not be a switch hidden behind this poster. And what do you know…

It’s not like that was made horribly obvious. Like any intelligent person, I press the random switch. Without any idea what it does. It could turn the sprinkler system on for all I know! But it doesn’t, it just opens the path to Team Rocket’s not-so-secret hideout! Exciting! Guess we’ll kick in some heads to show them who the REAL crime boss is in these parts!

…But that’s going to have to wait until next time!

Also: If you didn’t know what I was talking about with the Raticate thing. Maybe this’ll clear things up:

Is Your Mind Blown Yet?

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Chapter 7 – Lt. Surge, The Basket Base?

There are certain stories that shouldn’t be told. Such as what I had to do to earn my HM for the move “Cut”. Sea captains are perverted bastards! I know I’m generalizing, but you know what… screw it. ALL sea captains are perverts. There, it’s been said.

Virgin has evolved, by the way! He’s become…

^Could Kick The Crap Out Of A Certain Blue Hedgehog…

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Sandslash

ANOTHER Mouse Pokemon

“Curls up into a spiny ball when threatened. It can roll while curled up to attack or escape.”

————

Little Virgin is growing up! And it would seem he’s reached the brooding stage of being a rejected virgin. Which is followed by…

First, He Learned “Fap”

Learning Cut! And just like that, Virgin has become emo. Who knew not getting laid could make you develop an annoying personality and start wearing girl’s pants.No wait, that’s  common knowledge. My mistake.

He can also write terrible poetry with the word “darkness” in it several times. I think he’s about to get a tumblr account. I have to admit, the guy-liner is kinda funny on a Sandslashwrists though.

At least we can put Virgin’s new found skill to work! Let’s chop down that horribly placed tree and go check out the the next gym! They’ve been trapped in there for quite awhile, I can only imagine the carnage that I’m about to walk into.

So… Many… Trash Cans…

Alright, this is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in this game. What in the name of Mew is going on in this place?! There are trash cans everywhere, perfectly laid out in a pattern. The spacing between each is flawless. This is some Howard Hughes level OCD shit right here. If Lt. Surge has Kleenex (rhymes with Snorlax! Sorta…) boxes on his feet, I’m going to run away faster than… um… someone who runs away from things really fast! My metaphors are wearing a bit thin right now. Which is more than I can say for Atkins…

Apparently, Lt. Surge isn’t just OCD, he’s also insane. He’s locked himself up in his room and hid the switches in the garbage cans. And they’re magic disappearing buttons too. Thus begins the most obnoxious moment in my entire adventure.

Finally, after a bunch of annoying trial and error, the doors into the other room swing open, and I’m off to my third gym battle!

When Did This Become A Matter Of Life Or Death?!

The Lightning American has some rather unsettling words for me before our bout…

Yeah, being 14 years old probably means you’re right about that one. I mean, who sends 14 year olds into battle? This isn’t China, it’s Japan! They save their 14 year olds for prostitution! I’m a little worried that if I lose this battle, Lt. Surge is going to kill me.

He then begins to tell me about how electric pokemon saved him during “the war”. The war? I’d kill to know which war. Desert Storm was probably the closest to this game’s release. The image of Raichu frying Iraqi’s is too much for me to handle. I guess we finally know why this current war lasted so long: no pokemon! But enough talk about these unimportant matters like foreign politics and war. ON WITH THE POKEMON BATTLES!

Lt. Surge For Gap Jeans?

But first: Fan service! Lt. Surge appears to be in a crouched position, sticking his ass at me. A very strange way to “go into battle”, if you ask me. I guess this is what happens when you repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.

He also SORTA looks like a very angry Lance Bass. Just an observation…

Anyway, Virgin is completely immune to all of his pokemon’s attacks, which makes for one insanely uneventful battle. Maybe if the Iraqi’s would have just used ground type pokemon, they’d have won that war and oil prices would be much higher in America. It’s a thought.

What follows is one of the most boring parts of my adventure. It involves:

1) Having to run through a super long cave full of what appear to be thumbs with noses. (That’d be a Diglett joke, if you didn’t catch that…)

2) Making Atkin’s move to his next obvious stage. He’s gone from Fat to Bulemic to Drunken Sorority Girl. As is usually the case. Why do I say he’s a drunker sorority girl? Why, I just taught him FLASH! Get it, because… Girl’s Gone Wild and… tits… you know what, fuck you. If you don’t get the jokes, just move on, alright! I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.

3) Back tracking. Evading Cerulean so that I don’t get arrested. The restraining order hasn’t been lifted quite yet…

4) Battling a bunch of annoying trainers. None of which really said anything that I can make funny or worth mentioning. Honestly, this was the most boring route full of trainers I’ve ever seen.

5) Heading through another cave filled with Zubats. What a surprise…

Yes, I just skipped a bunch of stuff. But we’re about to get to the good parts! This is a buffer post between the dull moments and the explosion of awesome that is the rest of this game. Things can only get bigger and more hilarious from here on out! So brace yourselves, Poke-fans, because next time we’re taking things to the next level.

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Chapter 6 – Sharpedo’s On The Love Boat

That’s right! It’s time, ladies and gentleman, for the S.S.Anne trip none of you were waiting for! On with it, I say!

Oh, Its ON LIKE BRONZONG NOW!

This is exciting, getting to go on a cruise ship without any adult supervision! I’m going to raid the buffet, Sharpedo a bunch of girls (if you don’t know what “sharking” is, you probably don’t get this joke… which is… probably all of you actually, so let me provide a lil’ Urban Dictionary Action: Sharking , me thinks it would be even easier with a bikini!), and probably get in on some hot shuffleboard action! I hope there is a hot tub, I’m about to get WILD up in this bitch! What? GAH! Hobo stop trying to eat your hand! Stupid brain damaged Meowth. This is the kind of stuff I need a vacation from!

Alright, time to head to the ship

That’s One Tiny Ship…

Upon entering the ship, I’m immediately laid. Not that kind of laid! Sorry, Virgin, you do look adorable with those flowers on though. That doesn’t actually happen, but in my mind I was laid. Laid like a boss. Instead, I’m warned about the passengers.

This Spells Trouble! Actually, T-R-O-U-B-L-E Spells Trouble…

Apparently, they may challenge me to pokemon battles. Seriously, you’re on a cruise ship and you’re just going to sit around and have pokemon battles?! You all might as well just toss yourself overboard and die amongst the Corphish, for you’re all dead inside anyway…

It’s time to go to my cabin and sit and wait for the fun to begin.

JUST KIDDING! LET’S WALK INTO EVERYONE’S ROOMS WITHOUT ASKING AND STEAL STUFF!

But first let’s get creeped on by a “French” waiter!

Le Stereotype!

Apparently, if you just say “Le” a lot, you’re French. But, I doubt he’s faking it, because who the hell is going to pretend to be FRENCH?! (I’m kidding. I’m sure the French are lovely people who are in no way deserving of their stereotypes)

Of course, all thoughts of that go away by the time he ends what he’s saying…

LE WHAT?!

…Am… Am I being hit on by a gay French waiter on a cruise ship? Again?! Why does this always happen?! Maybe I should make the most of it and see if I can get him to serve me alcohol… And take this Meowth off my hands. It’s licking all the door handles… STOP THAT. STOP IT. HEY! Yes, you… GAH!

Right, back to looting and walking in on people changing and sleeping and stuff. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS! Right, my mom is at home and my dad… um… left to live with his other family? I guess it’s not really clear…

SHHHHHH!

“Global Police”. So… you’re American? American’s are the only one’s dumb enough to call themselves “Global Police”. And what the hell are you doing on a cruise ship?! Shouldn’t you be in the six or so areas in this region that are freakin’ crawling with Team Rocket members?! Why are you looking for them in the comfort of your cabin? Are you thinking that Team Rocket sneaks into people’s rooms and steals things? Because if any stealing happens on this ship… it’s TOTALLY Team Rocket and in absolutely no way is it me. I mean, sure I walked into YOUR room and screamed out “Where’s the stuff to steal!” but that’s just… a… um… it’s a greeting in my culture! And if you don’t believe me. You’re racist! RACIST GLOBAL POLICE! FUCK THE POLICE! FIGHT THE POWER!

And scene end. Let’s get out of here before he suspects something.

In the next room, I fight a girl who “travelled around the world!” to collect her Pokemon. Which happen to be a low-leveled Pidgey and a Nidoran. Which pretty much tells me there isn’t much point going all around the world, since I can catch those practically right outside the front door of my house. You got screwed, you stupid girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to…

SHARPEDO’D!

Bwah ha ha!

Oh crap, she has mace! RUN! RUN! Atkins Ru… oh, you know what, why don’t you just walk. Wouldn’t want you to go into cardiac arrest on the ship.

SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE… No, I’m Not Going To Sing That Terrible Song…

Alright, you’re ALONE in this cabin, lady. How about a SLICE of cherry pie? Why the whole pie?! I’m worried about you. No Sharpedo’ing for you, because I feel bad. Also, I’m not a waiter. See how I’m dressed not at all like a waiter? Besides, last time I tried to carry a pie around Atkins, he ate the whole thing. Including the tin! His Pikapoo was shiny though, which was neat.

How Dare I?! How Dare YOU, Sir!

Pup? A kid version of a dog?! You’re calling me a dog! Hey, I know I’m not the most attractive kid out there, but my mom says I’m the most beautiful, wonderful boy in the whole wide world! SHE LOVES ME SO I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL! Great, now I’m crying. I hope you get food poisoning you jerk. Wait, we’re on a cruise ship, maybe I shouldn’t curse you with something that’s practically a guarentee anyway…

After I defeat him in a pokemon battle, he changes his tune a bit.

The Old Man And The Sea, I Guess

Are you going to kill yourself or something? Because I’m totally ok with that… call me a pup. Bitch.

In the next cabin, is a guy who claims that his pokemon are his only friends. Remember what I said about them all being dead inside?

This Really Is The Love Boat!

Uh oh. This is bad. A sailor, alone in a cabin, thinking I’m some kind of cabana boy. And why is he talking like he’s had other boys before?! I guess I’ll pokemon battle him! That’s how I deal with ALL the people who try to touch me in bad places.

Well, I found the kitchen and dining area. Atkins seems to have calmed down again. Ever since he went back to his over-eating ways, he gets so restless when he’s not around food. He’s like a junkie! The other day, I actually caught him trying to sell my stuff for Twinkie money! I swear, if he starts turning Pikatricks, I’m going to have to get him into rehab…

SPUD PEELER! HA HA HA

The Tears Are From The Onions. Not Because I Made Fun Of His Hat.

Why are there two people dedicated to just this? Everywhere else in this messed up world everyone appears to be homeless and unemployed, yet this cruise ship has jobs for everyone? Hmm, this guy DOES seem a bit… Mexican-y. Nothing wrong with that! I’m… simply pointing it out, that’s all.

To Each Their Own?

Let’s investigate! HEY! Onion boy threw away a perfectly good Great Ball. NO! BAD! NO ES BUENO! You do not throw away Great Balls. Great Balls are awesome. Great balls are… OH GOD! Have I been saying “GREAT BALLS!” all this time! HAHAHAHAHA oh shit… that’s great… BALLS! Bwah ha ha! What? Don’t look at me like that, you laughed a bit too the first time you read “Great Balls”. Don’t judge me!

Somali Pirate?

Say what? He isn’t a Highlander, is he? Because there can be only one, you know. And I’ll behead him in an instant… wait, I’ve said too much.

POP AND LOCK!

Now they’re asking me to dance with them? These sailors are all kinds of creepy. Not as creepy as this Ponyta I come across later!

WTF Ponyta?!

I think it may have a tumor on it’s face, I’m not sure. We may need to take him out back and eh… well… make him into some glue.

That’s Much Better!

I can’t take any more of these weirdos and freaks! Oh, good, Turd is here! Fantastic! For once, he’s actually the least annoying person in the area. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to take great pleasure in slapping him around like… something that gets slapped around a lot! Turd informs me that it’d be a good idea to visit the captain.

And visit the captain I shall!

I Wasn’t Going To Throw Up, But Then I Saw You Do It…

WHOA! Son of a… that’s disgusting! It looks like vegetable medley! How in the hell does a sea captain get SEASICK?! Why didn’t you pick almost ANY other profession?! You had to pick one of the few that involves the SEA?!

WAIT?! WHAT?!

This Is Getting Weird…er. Weirder.

WHOA WHOA WHOA I DID WHAT?! WHOA WHAT AM I RUBBING?!

Right, of course… heh… his back. Yeah… WAIT THAT’S STILL REALLY WEIRD! He gives me an HM for Cut so I don’t tell anyone about the erection he got while I was rubbing his back. Seems fair. I decide I’m going to go put my new Cut HM back in the item box when…

WAIT! COME BACK!

…and the ship leaves without me. What are the odds it’s going to take off twelve seconds after I exit it?! That’s fantastic. Guess I’ll have to go on with my Pokemon journey instead. What a drag!

So yes, I will continue! But not today! That’s all for today’s adventure, folks. I hope you enjoyed my tails of the high seas. Pirates and booty and… well, ok, there weren’t any pirates… and only one booty (TOTALLY Sharpedo’d her!), so it wasn’t all that thrilling. But you enjoyed it anyway, right?

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Chapter 5 – Bidoof Sucks And Meowth Bleeds

Did you know it’s illegal to offer your Sandshrew as a sex partner to an underage girl in a swimming pool?

With that said, it doesn’t look like we’ll be going back to Cerulean City anytime soon. Or at least until my restraining order expires…

But for some reason, I can’t find a way out. However, that police officer moved slightly out of the way of the door to that house that got robbed. Might as well go see if they left anything good to steal… er… “Borrow”. Alright, so what’s…

They Broke A Chunk Off The Table…

HOLY HELL WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?!?!

I’m starting to think that this whole “robbery” thing was a cover up. Does this look like a robbery to you?! OBVIOUSLY not. I mean, OBVIOUSLY this was an OBVIOUS… DUCK MONSTER HOME INVASION! I think he may have done horrible things to the guy in the safari hat standing by the perfectly shaped hole in the wall.

Oh hey, we can ESCAPE through that hole. Awesome. And look, that Team Rocket member is still there. The manhunt continues! At least the cop has moved a few feet. That’s a start. It’s the small steps, people. I guess they stole the safari guy’s Dig TM. And upon kicking the snot out of the worst robber in the history of robbers, he gave me back the stolen goods! Which I proceed to pocket and leave. What? Consider it a finder’s fee…

Heading South out of town, I hear a faint meowing noise. What is… that shiny object… it seems to be embedded in the head of a small cat. Let’s throw a pokeball at it!

And just like that, I’m the proud new owner of a Meowth!

This Rather Perfect Picture Will Make More Sense In A Second…

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Meowth

The Scratchcat Pokemon

“Adores circular objects. Wanders the streets on a nightly basis to look for dropped loose change.”

————

So let me get this straight, Meowth spends all night wandering the streets looking for loose change? Well, I think I have the perfect name for him…

Meoooowth, That’s Right…

Alright homeless kitten with a golden dollar coin embedded in your forehead, let’s head off to Vermilion City. Let me just pull that coin out…

…oh… oh God… so… so much blood…

Let’s just put that back! Come on, Hobo, let’s go! Yes, yes I know little buddy, the way the sun hits all that blood is really shiny and pretty but… stop drooling… HEY GET YOUR PAW OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! OH GOD HE LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE! WHO GAVE THE BRAIN DAMAGED CAT A MATCH!

I didn’t stomp on my Meowth! He… just fell down some stairs.

Good, we’re here. Vermilion City. Home of our third gym leader! Let’s read the sign that tells us all about him!

That’s RACIST!

So, the one “American” character in this game is dressed like a soldier? I’m starting to think that all the Japanese think us Americans are is a bunch of violent, crazy war-mongers! Whatever. Let’s go kick Lt. Surge’s ass and then spread Democracy! Hey wait… Anyway, we’ll just head on into the gym and… what?

Practical

So, they seem to have planted a tree over the only possible way to get to the gym. I’d assume that since none of the pokemon that an electric gym leader has can cut trees, that they’ve been stuck in there for a long time. I should maybe call someone for help. I don’t want them to go completely crazy and eat each other out of desperation. MEOWTH PUT DOWN THOSE SCISSORS…

What was I going to do again?

I guess I’ll just go look around town and see what’s going on with the Vermilionians. WHOA, ok… wow, that just didn’t work. Vermilionites? Vermilionaires?

With A Name Like That…

Oh look, this guy is writing a girl a letter! Let’s read it and make fun of him!

He’s writing to Pippi… really, Pippi? Ok… about how horrible Team Rocket is rumored to be in Saffron City. Alright, if this girl’s name is Pippi, she has a lot more to worry about than Team Rocket. Unless it was Team Rocket that named her Pippi. In which case… THOSE EVIL BASTARDS.

SHUT UP, SLAVE! Er… HM SLAVE!

I love having conversations with these simple folk. The ones in the Pokemart seem awful chatty.

“There are evil people who will use Pokemon for criminal acts. Team Rocket traffics in rare Pokemon. They also abandon Pokemon that they consider not to be popular or useful.”

That’s right, Bidoof, this is your eviction notice. GTFO of my pokeball, you Bidoofus.

A Seel… In A CLUB… That Joke Writes Itself

What’s this building? Why, it’s The Pokemon Fan Club. A place of true horrors. I do believe that there are evil forces at work here. I mean, how else can you explain why this Seel appears to be sitting on a chair. Seel’s do not belong on a chair. They belong in the ocean. WHY IS YOUR SEEL NOT IN THE OCEAN?!

Of course, talking to it’s owner, I can see it’s sitting on a chair is the least of my worries…

So Would I, Gurl.

I think it’s saying “Bad Touch” in Pokemon. I’d really suggest not squeezing things until they make loud, high pitched noises.

It’s Funny How Much An Owner Can Start Looking Like Their Pokemon…

The guy on the other side of the table has a Pikachu. And… wow. Hey, Atkins, come check this out! This Pikachu is enormous!

Come laugh at the obese Pikachu, Fat Pikachu. Hey? Your breath smells like mouthwash and stomach acid. A bucket? Why would you need a bucket… um… alright, sure you can use the bathroom…

Cool Story, Slowbro

Well, while PUKEachu, er… Atkins, is brushing his tongue, let’s see what the chairman has to say.

Yeah, I didn’t get laid much in High School either. He then seems to go into some kind of bizarre trance when he brings up his favorite pokemon Bidoof.

…Oh God, You’re Not Aroused Are You…

KIDDING! His favorite is Rapidash. Fuckin’ Bidoof my ass… heh, Bidoof… But yes, his trance!

Back…away…slowly… RUN!

What’s this in my pocket? A boat ticket? Oh right! Bill gave it to me right before his skin started to melt off. That cell seperator didn’t exactly work as well as planned. I guess it has some… side effects. It’s ok, I hid the body in the Viridian Forest. No one has noticed yet.

I guess we’ll just head off to the S. S. Anne!

LATER! That’s right! We’re going to set sail in the next chapter! Nothin’ but babes and buffets! It’ll be grand. And not a pokemon battle in sight! Probably…

<Chapter FourTable Of ContentsChapter Six>

Chapter 3 – Goin’ Zubatshit Crazy In Mt. Moon

(Warning: I make a couple of pop-culture jokes most of you are probably not going to find funny or perhaps even understand. They are pretty much just for my own entertainment. I did make a penis joke or two. So chuckle like a Shuckle, my Poke-Pals!)

Mt. Moon. A majestic mountain that seems to be… hollow? I mean, how else can you explain why it’s so insanely open in here? I mean, really, shouldn’t a cave be more… cave like? I suppose if Brock comes and trains here, he’d need all this extra room for his rippling biceps!

Great, I thought the drugs he gave me wore off. Stupid child molesting weirdo. Put a shirt on already, will ya! It’s almost winter, you wouldn’t want your nipples to use “Harden”!

I don’t like Mt. Moon. It’s incredibly uninteresting. Maybe if we had one of those fascinating cave tour guides (Read: Annoying Useless Fact Machines) to show us around before we begin our adventure.

Tour Guide: Mt. Moon is also known for it’s rich mineral deposits and… yes, GOM?

GOM: …dude, the FUCK is with all the Zubats?! They’re friggin’ EVERYWHERE! Consider I’ve leveled up in here for hours at a time, I’d have to say there has to be at LEAST a million of them or so. They just keep coming!

Tour Guide: Oh, well, there is an interesting historical story about that. You see, back in 1947 the Zubat population was very low. So, we gave them some of the same furtility drugs we gave Kate Gosslin.

GOM: So in other words you’re saying I’m lucky it’s just Zubats and not Gosslin’s kids running around in here?

Tour Guide: Exactly. All they can do is be exploited for the financial gain of their owner. Oh wait, that’s no different than Pokemon, is it…

I have no idea. That joke is about five years too late. I apologize. It’s still funny. Stupid bitch.

I Knew That Pokemart Was A Front!

Before I can get too far, I come across Team Rocket. Just sorta… chilling in random spots in the cave. Doin’ evil things like, um, thinking dirty thoughts about your mom and not paying taxes. Gangsta shit! At least he’s not part of that creepy shorts cult…

Oh cool! The first Team Rocket Grunt I fight has a Zubat! Never seen one of those before! Except for EVERY FRIGGIN’ BATTLE I’VE GOTTEN INTO SINCE I ENTERED THIS STUPID CAVE! Oh well, that just gives me one more reason to kick this guy’s ass. The first reason being that ridiculous hat he’s wearing. What are you, a French impressionist painter?  Lose the beret, it’s not very gangsta like.

Lying on the ground of the cave, I happen upon a Rare Candy. Something tells me it fell out of Brock’s van last time he was trolling the cave for underage tail. I’m going to keep it, because there is NO WAY that it has razor blades or cyanide in it. In fact, I’m almost 90% sure of it! Hey, Atkins, put that candy down you tubby bastard, you already ate a trainer on the way here, wasn’t that enough. I’m saving that candy for later. I’ll find some pokemon I don’t like much to test it out. If it dies, I’ll know to not eat anything I find on the floor of a cave ever again.

I also found TM12, which teaches Water Gun. Which my water type will learn pretty soon on his own anyway. Helpful.

I come across a Lass who says something about it being so big. I wasn’t paying too much attention because I was hangin’ with my pokemons! I’m sure it wasn’t anything about my penis and how badly she wanted to mount me like a Ponyta right here on the cave floor. Of course, after beating her, my StiffyEars evolved! I now have:

Dat Horn!

————

Nidorino

The Poison Pin Pokemon

“An aggressive Pokemon that is quick to attack. The horn on it’s head secretes a powerful venom.”

————

That’s great, now I have an over-eater and a rageaholic in my party. What is this, a freakin’ therapy session? Is there a “Wrist-Cutting” Pokemon? How about a “Daddy Touched My No-No Place and Now I Hate Men” Pokemon?

Team Rocket Grunt: “We’re pulling a big job here! Get lost, kid!”

I do not doubt that… Grunt. I mean, any people that wear matching jump suits have to mean serious business. Just like these guys!

TEAM NAZI BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

Next up, I find a young boy who asks me if I came to explore too. No, little boy, I’m not Brock. I’m not here to “explore”.

Hey, can someone tell me why all the Geodude’s have a pompadour that makes them look lile John Travolta in Grease?

Ye…ah. Next Up: An Onix With A Mullet

John Travolta: The Original Geodude

And it seems to be telling me to take a hike or something… or it’s hitchhiking. Something involving a hike. Oh look, a hiker. And he’s fat. Another question: Why are all the hiker’s in the poke-verse so fat? Wouldn’t you think with all the hiking they supoosedly do, they’d be nice and fit? Maybe it’s because they stand around waiting to have animal fights with small children in caves which appear to have no actually way of being lit… HOW CAN I SEE IN HERE?!

Moving on, Looks like there are plenty more Team Rocket Grunts (really, couldn’t give them names? Why not just call them Storm Troopers) down here. One of them tells me that “Little kids should leave grown-ups alone!” I agree, Pokemon Gangster. Annoying little shits.

The last Team Rocket member I come across informs me of their plan. They’re going to find the fossils, revive them, and sell them for cash! And what are you going to do with that cash? Invest it in Real Estate? I mean, there are like… six houses. I’m sure the market has NO value. Perhaps if you put them into a 401k, the interest would… what was I talking about again?

Or maybe they’ll buy guns, so little kids with spitting turtles and fat electic rodents can’t foil their plans this easily. Honestly, there is at least four of you in here. Why don’t you all just get together and punch me in the face or something. That’s all it would take. I’ll leave, seriously. I’m a major pussy. Why do you think I’m a friggin’ pokemon trainer?! To be fair, I’ll pretend I saw nothing if you just give me one of those super rare Zubats you guys have! Those things are near-impossible to find! I’ll turn and walk away, pretending none of this ever happened. I have no morals! I’m easily bought!

HEY, LISTEN… er… HEY, STOP!

Not ten seconds later, I’m stopped by the most pushy nerd on the planet.

He found these fossils, and they’re both his! Um, fine, take them. I have zero interest in fossils, seriously. I can’t think of anything that’s more boring. Except maybe pokemon battling the same pokemon over and over and over and over and over and Zubat and Zubat and Zubat and Cle…JUST KIDDING ZUBAT.

WEEEEEEEEEE! BP Spilled A Ton Of Grimmers Into The Ocean!

Well, the nerd wants to fight me. Fine, you know what, I’m going to kick your ass, THEN I’m going to take your fossils. And I’m going to feed them to Pikachew over here. OM NOM NOM FOSSILS. How do you like that?!

Nice Forehead Tattoo

After breezing through Grimer-On-A-Roller-Coaster and Voltorb, I come across… AN ENORMOUS FOREHEAD OF DOOM! I mean… Koffing.

Seriously, look at the size of it’s forehead! I mean… IT’S HUGE!

Now that I’ve smacked some sense into this nerd, he’s going to “share” one of his fossils. Oh really, how ’bout I just take both of them and leave you here to be picked up by Brock? You’re lucky I’m a nice guy.

Helix Fossil. Dome Fossil. That is the question! And the answer is…

DOME FOSSIL. Because “Dome” makes me chuckle. Penis joke, I choose you!

Finally, daylight! We’ve escaped the cave. And after a short walk, I’ve made it to my next destination: Cerulean City!

Sorry about the bore-fest that was Mt. Moon. Cerulean City is bound to be a ton of fun! And believe me, if you thought I was takin’ shots at Brock, wait until you hear what I have to say about Misty!

Those shorts with those shoes, girl YOU CRAZY!

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