Chapter 6 – Sharpedo’s On The Love Boat

That’s right! It’s time, ladies and gentleman, for the S.S.Anne trip none of you were waiting for! On with it, I say!

Oh, Its ON LIKE BRONZONG NOW!

This is exciting, getting to go on a cruise ship without any adult supervision! I’m going to raid the buffet, Sharpedo a bunch of girls (if you don’t know what “sharking” is, you probably don’t get this joke… which is… probably all of you actually, so let me provide a lil’ Urban Dictionary Action: Sharking , me thinks it would be even easier with a bikini!), and probably get in on some hot shuffleboard action! I hope there is a hot tub, I’m about to get WILD up in this bitch! What? GAH! Hobo stop trying to eat your hand! Stupid brain damaged Meowth. This is the kind of stuff I need a vacation from!

Alright, time to head to the ship

That’s One Tiny Ship…

Upon entering the ship, I’m immediately laid. Not that kind of laid! Sorry, Virgin, you do look adorable with those flowers on though. That doesn’t actually happen, but in my mind I was laid. Laid like a boss. Instead, I’m warned about the passengers.

This Spells Trouble! Actually, T-R-O-U-B-L-E Spells Trouble…

Apparently, they may challenge me to pokemon battles. Seriously, you’re on a cruise ship and you’re just going to sit around and have pokemon battles?! You all might as well just toss yourself overboard and die amongst the Corphish, for you’re all dead inside anyway…

It’s time to go to my cabin and sit and wait for the fun to begin.

JUST KIDDING! LET’S WALK INTO EVERYONE’S ROOMS WITHOUT ASKING AND STEAL STUFF!

But first let’s get creeped on by a “French” waiter!

Le Stereotype!

Apparently, if you just say “Le” a lot, you’re French. But, I doubt he’s faking it, because who the hell is going to pretend to be FRENCH?! (I’m kidding. I’m sure the French are lovely people who are in no way deserving of their stereotypes)

Of course, all thoughts of that go away by the time he ends what he’s saying…

LE WHAT?!

…Am… Am I being hit on by a gay French waiter on a cruise ship? Again?! Why does this always happen?! Maybe I should make the most of it and see if I can get him to serve me alcohol… And take this Meowth off my hands. It’s licking all the door handles… STOP THAT. STOP IT. HEY! Yes, you… GAH!

Right, back to looting and walking in on people changing and sleeping and stuff. WHERE ARE MY PARENTS! Right, my mom is at home and my dad… um… left to live with his other family? I guess it’s not really clear…

SHHHHHH!

“Global Police”. So… you’re American? American’s are the only one’s dumb enough to call themselves “Global Police”. And what the hell are you doing on a cruise ship?! Shouldn’t you be in the six or so areas in this region that are freakin’ crawling with Team Rocket members?! Why are you looking for them in the comfort of your cabin? Are you thinking that Team Rocket sneaks into people’s rooms and steals things? Because if any stealing happens on this ship… it’s TOTALLY Team Rocket and in absolutely no way is it me. I mean, sure I walked into YOUR room and screamed out “Where’s the stuff to steal!” but that’s just… a… um… it’s a greeting in my culture! And if you don’t believe me. You’re racist! RACIST GLOBAL POLICE! FUCK THE POLICE! FIGHT THE POWER!

And scene end. Let’s get out of here before he suspects something.

In the next room, I fight a girl who “travelled around the world!” to collect her Pokemon. Which happen to be a low-leveled Pidgey and a Nidoran. Which pretty much tells me there isn’t much point going all around the world, since I can catch those practically right outside the front door of my house. You got screwed, you stupid girl. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to…

SHARPEDO’D!

Bwah ha ha!

Oh crap, she has mace! RUN! RUN! Atkins Ru… oh, you know what, why don’t you just walk. Wouldn’t want you to go into cardiac arrest on the ship.

SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE… No, I’m Not Going To Sing That Terrible Song…

Alright, you’re ALONE in this cabin, lady. How about a SLICE of cherry pie? Why the whole pie?! I’m worried about you. No Sharpedo’ing for you, because I feel bad. Also, I’m not a waiter. See how I’m dressed not at all like a waiter? Besides, last time I tried to carry a pie around Atkins, he ate the whole thing. Including the tin! His Pikapoo was shiny though, which was neat.

How Dare I?! How Dare YOU, Sir!

Pup? A kid version of a dog?! You’re calling me a dog! Hey, I know I’m not the most attractive kid out there, but my mom says I’m the most beautiful, wonderful boy in the whole wide world! SHE LOVES ME SO I DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL! Great, now I’m crying. I hope you get food poisoning you jerk. Wait, we’re on a cruise ship, maybe I shouldn’t curse you with something that’s practically a guarentee anyway…

After I defeat him in a pokemon battle, he changes his tune a bit.

The Old Man And The Sea, I Guess

Are you going to kill yourself or something? Because I’m totally ok with that… call me a pup. Bitch.

In the next cabin, is a guy who claims that his pokemon are his only friends. Remember what I said about them all being dead inside?

This Really Is The Love Boat!

Uh oh. This is bad. A sailor, alone in a cabin, thinking I’m some kind of cabana boy. And why is he talking like he’s had other boys before?! I guess I’ll pokemon battle him! That’s how I deal with ALL the people who try to touch me in bad places.

Well, I found the kitchen and dining area. Atkins seems to have calmed down again. Ever since he went back to his over-eating ways, he gets so restless when he’s not around food. He’s like a junkie! The other day, I actually caught him trying to sell my stuff for Twinkie money! I swear, if he starts turning Pikatricks, I’m going to have to get him into rehab…

SPUD PEELER! HA HA HA

The Tears Are From The Onions. Not Because I Made Fun Of His Hat.

Why are there two people dedicated to just this? Everywhere else in this messed up world everyone appears to be homeless and unemployed, yet this cruise ship has jobs for everyone? Hmm, this guy DOES seem a bit… Mexican-y. Nothing wrong with that! I’m… simply pointing it out, that’s all.

To Each Their Own?

Let’s investigate! HEY! Onion boy threw away a perfectly good Great Ball. NO! BAD! NO ES BUENO! You do not throw away Great Balls. Great Balls are awesome. Great balls are… OH GOD! Have I been saying “GREAT BALLS!” all this time! HAHAHAHAHA oh shit… that’s great… BALLS! Bwah ha ha! What? Don’t look at me like that, you laughed a bit too the first time you read “Great Balls”. Don’t judge me!

Somali Pirate?

Say what? He isn’t a Highlander, is he? Because there can be only one, you know. And I’ll behead him in an instant… wait, I’ve said too much.

POP AND LOCK!

Now they’re asking me to dance with them? These sailors are all kinds of creepy. Not as creepy as this Ponyta I come across later!

WTF Ponyta?!

I think it may have a tumor on it’s face, I’m not sure. We may need to take him out back and eh… well… make him into some glue.

That’s Much Better!

I can’t take any more of these weirdos and freaks! Oh, good, Turd is here! Fantastic! For once, he’s actually the least annoying person in the area. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to take great pleasure in slapping him around like… something that gets slapped around a lot! Turd informs me that it’d be a good idea to visit the captain.

And visit the captain I shall!

I Wasn’t Going To Throw Up, But Then I Saw You Do It…

WHOA! Son of a… that’s disgusting! It looks like vegetable medley! How in the hell does a sea captain get SEASICK?! Why didn’t you pick almost ANY other profession?! You had to pick one of the few that involves the SEA?!

WAIT?! WHAT?!

This Is Getting Weird…er. Weirder.

WHOA WHOA WHOA I DID WHAT?! WHOA WHAT AM I RUBBING?!

Right, of course… heh… his back. Yeah… WAIT THAT’S STILL REALLY WEIRD! He gives me an HM for Cut so I don’t tell anyone about the erection he got while I was rubbing his back. Seems fair. I decide I’m going to go put my new Cut HM back in the item box when…

WAIT! COME BACK!

…and the ship leaves without me. What are the odds it’s going to take off twelve seconds after I exit it?! That’s fantastic. Guess I’ll have to go on with my Pokemon journey instead. What a drag!

So yes, I will continue! But not today! That’s all for today’s adventure, folks. I hope you enjoyed my tails of the high seas. Pirates and booty and… well, ok, there weren’t any pirates… and only one booty (TOTALLY Sharpedo’d her!), so it wasn’t all that thrilling. But you enjoyed it anyway, right?

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