Where did we leave off? Oh yes, I’m about to head into the beautiful Viridian Forest. Tranquil, quiet, not a lot of people around. An excellent place to hide a body. Murdering Turd is sounding more and more like a good idea every day. “Smell you later” Turd… WHEN YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ CORPSE! This is going to be revenge for all those times when we were kids and you pinned me down and farted on my head. Because murder is always the solution to conflict!
…anyway. Viridian Forest is filled with boring bug catchers. Which means it’s time for me to fight a crap load of Weedles, Caterpies, Metapods, and Kakunas. That also means there is PLENTY of time for me to chuckle every time one of them uses “Harden”. I will not catch one and name it “Penis”. It’s just not happening. That’s SO 1996.
I will, however, catch the one pokemon that’s the most annoying to catch here. The one that makes me have to go through an hour of bugs to find. That’s right, I’m going to catch the one pokeman you just haven’t seen enough of!
The Mouse Pokemon
“When several of these Pokemon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms.”
So every time an event of yours is ruined by lightning storms, blame that little bitch of a rodent! It’s time for Punt-A-Pikachu day. Little electric bastard.
Being that this is the original Pokemon, I don’t only get to catch a Pikachu. I get to catch FAT PIKACHU! Back in the day, Pikachu had an eating disorder and/or a pituitary problem. So, considering Pikachu’s incredible girth (I got to use the word GIRTH! That almost never happens), I have decided to give him an appropriate name:
So, little Atkins has joined my team. After some quick leveling up at the expense of a ton of random bugs that have been electrocuted to death, it’s time to explore what is bound to be an incredibly exciting forest.
Or it’ll be completely boring. Whichever. Anyway, I suppose I should collect all of these random objects that are lying on the ground! Keeping things you find on the ground is always a good idea. It’s not like anyone dropped them or anything. Seriously, does someone have a hole in their pocket?! There’s shit everywhere! I think it’s time to invest in a few fuckin’ garbage cans! If you kill off the environment, there won’t be any pokemon around for us to exploit anymore! Al Gore would be ashamed of you!
Yeah, Viridian Forest is pretty boring. But once we get through that, we make it to Pewter City. Home of a MUSEUM! Because that’s exactly what kids want in their video games: Museums. In the next Pokemon game, you should have to spend a few hours going shopping with your mom and holding her purse. That’d be AWESOME! Or maybe adhere to the adult market and make us have to do a tax return every in-game year! Is money spent on Pokeballs tax-deductible?
Of course, I’ll shell out the 50 friggin’… um… money…units (the fuck is the money in this game called, anyway?) and go into the museum. Which has roughly five things on display. One of which is this beauty:
Great, pretty sure that’s going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Knowledge can kiss my ass! Upstairs, I have a lovely conversation with a gentleman.
Really Old Fart: “July 20, 1969! The 1st lunar landing! I bought a color tv to watch it!”
Sorry, old-timer, but that was FAKE. I’m kidding, I’m not going to get into insane conspiracy theory right now. That’d be really nerdy. Instead, BACK TO POKEMON!
Besides, doesn’t that imply this takes place in OUR world? I’m starting to realize that after he faked the moon landing, JFK put an end to the CUBONE Missile Crisis! HAH! See what I did there. Instead of Cuban, I said CUBONE. Cubone is a pokemon. I’m playing Pokemon. I over-explained that one a little. But fuck you, it was funny.
Alright, screw the museum. Time to head out and explore the town. I come across a man standing in the middle of a field who asks me a rather creepy question.
I’m not sure I want to know. My guess is he is disposing of a body. Idiot, didn’t I just say that Viridian Forest is the best place for that?! Doesn’t anyone ever listen to me. Apparently, what he CLAIMS to be doing is spreading Repel on his garden so wild Pokemon don’t bother it. Well, can you please explain to me why your garden (which consists of about 32 or so really small flowers) is doing in the middle of a freakin’ town?! Yes, we get it, pretty flowers, don’t care.
Trying to exit the town, I’m stopped by someone who’s life seems to consist of sitting at the exit to town and kidnapping children. He is just gathering us all up and making us go into Brock’s house nearby. This spells trouble.
After making short work of Brock’s ONE trainer thanks to Wetback and his ability to spit on other pokemon and make them too offended to fight back, I reach the Brock man himself. And proceed to easily make him my bitch.
Can someone please explain to me why Brock is locked up in this darkly lit room, with no shirt on, fighting kids that he had pushed in here by his lacky outside? That makes me a bit worried. His gym might as well be inside the back of a rusted out van at this point.
Of course, what’s more unsettling is what he says afterwards:
This is turning into a cheesy romance novel really quick…
After calling in a few Amber Alerts and telling them I may have an idea where their missing children have been, I exit the gym only to hear the most ridiculous story from a girl outside:
Girl Who’s Guillable And Stupid: “It’s rumored Clefairy’s came from the moon”
Unfortunately, most of them burned up in the atmosphere. Smoldering blobs of Clefairy everywhere… It was horrible. And the smell! Dear God! We disposed of all the bodies in Viridian Forest. No one even noticed. Told ya so.
This town is really starting to give me the creeps, I think it’s time me and Wetback get the SHELL out of here! Get it, SHELL, ’cause he’s a turtle… oh, shut up, they can’t all be winners. Of course, I have to battle my way through a bunch of idiots that have decided to gather on the way out of town. I’d like to think they’re the kidnapped children I freed from Brock’s place a few moments before. Pokemon battles all around!
Maybe not, because it appears they’re just as big of weirdos as the people in Pewter City. First dude I face off against, throws out this gem:
Creepy Kid 1: “I love shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”
Well, I’ve never met someone so enthusiastic about pants before. This kid’s devotion to pantaloons is in sharp contrast to Brock’s lack of a devotion to shirts.
But, I can’t say that the kid doesn’t have a point. Regular long pants are a huge pain in the ass to wear. Especially if the ass part of those pants is too tight. Major pain in the ass, indeed. I’m starting to fear people in the Pokemon world all have weird fetishes. Do they make shorts porn?
Here’s a question that’s come up as I battle through the legions of freaks. Why do bitches in this game keep calling me mean?! Seriously, you say their skirt makes them look fat and you’re MEAN?! Here I thought honesty was the best policy.
My feelings have officially been hurt. But come on, they’re totally asking for it! Just look at what they’re wearing! But being called mean doesn’t really sting as much as what the other lass said to me after we were finished: “That’s It?!”
You have no idea how many women have said that to me before…
Before I can get out of this emotional rollercoaster of an area, I meet this guy.
Honestly, is there some kind of creepy shorts-wearing cult around here that I’m not aware of? ‘Cause I’d totally join! I bet those bitches that called me mean are virgins that we can sacrifice to the shorts God!
It looks like I’ve finally made it to Mt. Moon’s entrance. A quick stop at the Poke Center, and I stumble upon a private business man!
He wants to sell me a Magikarp for ONLY 500… um… Money… things. There is NO WAY this is a scam! But I’m no sucker, so I’ll have to pass.
And now that we’re done in the Pokemon center, it’s time for Mt. Moon! That’s right, next time we’ll be going for a lovely nature hike through one of Kanto’s most lovely natural wonders. Hopefully, we’ll be able to see one of those really, super-rare Zubats I’m always hearing about. Though it may take SECONDS of searching to find one…